Struggling

I lost my lovely Mum 6 weeks ago. She was 95 and had Alzheimer’s Disease. I moved in with her a few years ago to care for her. In the last few months of her life she had been in poor health and contracted a UTI which she was too frail to fight and it led to her death

The UTI really hit her hard and she lost the ability to talk so we never got the chance to say our goodbyes. The final two weeks of her life were really hard as she stopped eating and drinking but it took that period for her to succumb. All I could do was hold her hand and tell her how much I loved her but not sure she took it in.

For the first few weeks after she passed away I was coping fine. I kept telling myself she wasn’t in good health with worse to come with the Alzheimer’s so maybe it was a kindness she was taken at that time.

However over the last few days her passing has hit me incredibly hard and I feel overwhelmed with grief and can’t talk about her with family and friends without breaking down, I also feel anxious a lot of the time

I am told this is the normal grief process kick and it is particularly hard when you have been a long time carer as you have been through difficult times prior to the death. However I feel I am on a spiral downwards that I won’t be able to cope with.

I’m not sure why I am posting other than to offload some of my feelings. If anyone could suggest anything practical to help cope with grief it would be much appreciated.

I know everyone using this community is going through the same. Please accept my warm wishes . It is a horrible thing to cope with

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Hello jrt, I’m so sorry for your loss. What you’re going through is normal, as many here will agree. As the initial shock wears off you will experience turbulent waves of emotions like regret, anger, sadness and loneliness. It varies for each of us going through grief but it can last for months. I was with my mum everyday for the last 18 months of her life as I became her carer after her bout with uti (confusion, lack of appetite, slept 18+ hrs a day, etc) and I held her hand as she took her last breath. I’m still experiencing flashbacks of her last moments whenever I’m stressed and/or anxious about anything. It’s been 8 months for me now. The good news is that the past month has been getting better with less of the flashbacks. I’m an only child and have no family. I think this has contributed to my grieving process as I’ve contemplated dark thoughts but now I’m determined to hold onto this life my mum gave me and make the most of it in her memory. I hope you can find some peace sharing your thoughts here on this site. Sometimes letting out your thoughts to strangers is the best form of catharsis. Just know that there are many here going through the same suffering as you are. My heart goes out to you.

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@JRT I am sorry for your loss, and I have experienced everything you are going through, one thing I can say with surety your mom would be so proud of you, how many people care for their parents any more. I lost my mom 6 months and she was 56, she couldn’t see any of my achievement, my wedding, she disappeared within mins when she was fine.
To your question about coping with things please engage yourself in Journaling, letter writing to your mom if you want to, doing yoga or meditation, taking a small trip. Speak your emotions, I just allow people to even txt me on dm if they feel low so it can help them, whatever works just do something.
Remember you did everything for your mom and she is thankful to you, take care and reach out anytime

Thank you for your kind response and sorry for your loss. It must be difficult for you having no immediate family for support. I have siblings but they didn’t provide the level of care for my Mum that I did and don’t seem to appreciate that it is harder for me to move forward. My two brothers in particular have barely been in touch with me since the funeral to check on my welfare and that hurts. My sister has been better but still doesn’t really grasp the depth of my feelings. Thanks again

Thank you for your thoughtful response and the suggestions you have made. I have often thought about taking up meditation for relaxation so will look online for some resources. Thanks again

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I know just how you feel at first i was upset and couldnt sleep

Since February when my mum passed i feel like im drowning so i know how you feel take care xx

Thank you for your message. It is so hard isn’t it. I lost my Dad 30 years ago to an awful progressive neurological condition that went on for years. It was really distressing to watch my Mum similarly decline over a few years with Alzheimer’s Disease. Life is so unfair at times.

I hope you start to feel some respite from your grief over the coming weeks and months. I realise it isn’t an easy journey for anybody to go through but I’m hoping to find some comfort engaging with people through these forums. Hope you do too x

Thank you for your kind reply xxx

I’ve had a blow today. My Mum had a dog which I have taken over care of. He hasn’t been well for 2- 3 weeks and after a visit to the Vets it appears he has Prostate Cancer. I will find out for sure tomorrow when he has an Ultrasound scan.

I am devastated with the news as he is obviously a connection with my Mum and is such a lovely dog. Whilst grieving for my Mum this is something that has set me back.

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It must be very difficult for you , If its possible for you to take help around your family and talk to them. I understand the emotions you must be feeling but things will get better

Hi all, @JRT I’m very sorry to read that news about your mum’s dog, so soon after losing your mum. I lost my mum 2 years ago aged 88, after a long decline in her health involving frequent UTIs and chest infections, and she was in & out of hospital a lot. Me & my brothers cared for her in last 5 years of her life, and I truly believe caring for someone deepens the bond but also makes the grief harder as you go through so much caring for your loved one but in the end you still lose them, inevitably.

I was in the same hospital today that my mum was in & out of in her last years (I was going with my brother to a routine appointment he had) and get what you say @Peterb about flashbacks - I had a lot of those today.

Best wishes to everyone reading this, it’s a hard journey we’re all on but coming onto this forum can be a real help.

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It was worse than I expected. The poor dog had bladder as well as prostate cancer. At the Vets recommendation I agreed for him to be put to sleep this morning. It has really hit me hard and feeling lost

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I’m so sorry to hear that @JRT . Keep posting here if it helps at all, and you can call the cruse helpline on 0808 808 1677, it’s run by trained bereavement volunteers who can offer emotional support.

Thank you. Its been a tough day. The little dog was helping me cope with the grief of my Mum’s passing so today has hit me very hard. Just have to work through it as best as I can and seek help if necessary

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