i know this is something we all now have to do but…I keep going to pieces when I think of dealing with the solicitor, sorting out the household bills, the transfers and payments, the loss of our partner, the selling up of my home, eventually, the moving preparations all by myself, my MS illness…to say my future terrifies me is an understatement, a future I never saw coming nor a future I want…And yes there are several times I just cry to my Richard that I dont want to carry on, I just want all this to end…People think I am a strong person but deep down i am as weak as the next one…
Oh Yeah Jackie. I know! People say to me, ‘my goodness you are doing well’ when inside I’m a bit of a wreck. But what can you do? Walk about crying and being miserable? It’s not how I want to feel it’s how I am, and I have to accept that and plough on.
In fact the analogy of a field being ploughed is a good one. I had a great uncle who was a ploughman way back. He used to say, in his broad Essex accent, 'The first time you tell the horse to go, (no tractors then), is the beginning of the journey across the field. It will only end when I say ‘Whoa’! He won medals for the straightness of his plough lines.
Is that not life. We can plough on grudgingly and plough crooked lines, or do it willingly. The horses could be our thoughts. They go the way we guide them.
I appreciate that what I have said may not help when deep in grief. But the old cliché, ‘life goes on’ is true. We can never extinguish life nor can we extinguish love. Both are indestructible. To me it’s the love I had and still have for my wife that keeps me ploughing on. It’s what she would have wanted. Blessings.
Richard was the fit one, well he was until recently, I am the one with the MS, this should have been me, not Richard, God or whoever is up above, has gotten it all wrong…
Beautiful words once again, Jonathan. I too use my love for my husband to plough my way through. He wouldn’t only want that from me he would expect it too, I’m sure. I desperately want him to rest in peace and I don’t believe he can do that if I don’t make every effort to help him by living this life, that he loved, for the both of us now. My horse kicks out sometimes, of course, I’m sure it always will, but the love I continue to have is stronger than any kick! Thank you for the analogy.