Such mixed emotions

This is my first post. My husband died very suddenly on the 5th February this year. I was his carer due to poor mental health after he suffered an acute psychotic episode 10yrs ago. We have been married for 40yrs and meet when I was just 17.

My emotions are all over I’m relieved he died suddenly and wouldn’t have known anything about it, but so angry I didn’t get to say goodbye or hold his hand.

I’m grateful for the wonderful memories we created, and devastated I will be starting a new chapter, but the new chapter will be easier as I no longer have the worry of my caring role and how my husbands mental health impacted on our everyday life. I feel so guilty for this thought and so so incredibly sad too.

My husbands funeral only took place 3 days ago as he died while we were on holiday in another country. Everyone said I’d feel better after the funeral, well they were wrong I feel worse I’m angry that I’ve had to share my grief and goodbyes with others.

So many people have told me what a wonderful person he was I didn’t need telling I know but they could have told my husband while he was alive on the days he felt so low.

I feel guilty and ungrateful for all the amazing support I am getting and overwhelmed by it too.

The worse thing is I have the most wonderful mother in law and people say to me how awful it must be and the worse thing in the world. I have tried to explain that actually it’s been worse for me because of the impact on my daily life and no longer having the caring role, eating dinner at an empty table, not having anyone to kiss and love goodnight. People don’t seemed to understand and I’m really cross with them and it’s making me resent my mother in law.

Has anyone else gone through these emotions, I’d like to think these are actually normal.


@Griff - you mustn’t feel guilty for feeling how you do. I’m sure your mother in law is suffering, she has lost her son and this is not what any parent expects or should have to endure. But you lived with him. He was with you constantly and every part of your life is affected by losing him.
I appreciate friends and relatives feel the loss of our partners but our loss is so enormous - our whole lives have been disrupted. It is not surprising to feel the way you do.
Try to take comfort from how many others loved him whilst understanding they can’t miss him as much as you do.

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Hello griff, your emotions are what we all suffer and your mother-in-law will have similar emotions. The one thing that still gets me is eating alone and not having him there to talk to at meal times. I find I have the radio or tv on and when it really hits me, I take my meal into the living room and have it on a tray. It does get easier and most days I am fine but
Remember those happy times that makes you smile. Take things slowly and don’t beat yourself up on the bad days. We are always here for you. S xx

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Thank you, I had my tea on a tray tonight. There’s such a huge void where he should be. I’d just love some sort of a sign even a dream to say I’m OK, it’s great here and I’m sorry we couldn’t say goodbye. There’s nothing though except some of him on the bookcase, I chose his memorial stone today and I will tell him all about it before I go to sleep.
I just want one more hug to tell him how much I love him. The pain in my chest fighting back tears is constant and I feel exhausted, my screen saver and home screen is a picture of him smiling and I feel rubbish.
This weekend I’m walking up snowdon with my daughter and I’m going to do all the things we planned to do together and I just hope he is watching and smiling because that is what’s keeping me going, his mental health limited what we could do so I’m going to show him he hasn’t died for no reason, even though its what I think now .

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I truly believe you will get a sign from him, I truly do.
I had a dream where my husband was snuggling into me in bed then he got up before me as he used to do then said he was always with me. I woke up feeling as though he had really been there and had showed me he is ok and is always with me.
It made me feel such immense comfort.
Getting little signs is such a joy.
The walk up Snowdon will be good, he will be watching.
Keep on talking to him, I talk to my husband all the time, it’s part of my daily routine now and I’m sure he hears it all.
After 40 years they will always be part of our lives, whether they are here physically or not.
Look after yourself, it is very hard I know
Janey xx


I am totally with you on this. Its being on own ,i am finding very hard i miss wife terribly, just wonder why i must go on, i lost her on 7th march after 5 to6 week illness, she had cancer that had spread to her brain and downwards, she functioned until last 8days amazingly even then was getting responses from her even on last day ,was nice response i kissed her she kissed me back 5 hours later she had gone
I still cant believe she gone in some ways even though today scattered her ashes.

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I’m sorry for your loss and I can feel how raw your emotions still are - I never got to say goodbye to my lost loved one in any capacity and it’s so different for me compared to friends I’ve lost and did get to say goodbye too -

It’s hard not to have closure - although your caring role for such a long time does say how devoted you were even though it was a challenging role to be in -

Of course there are personal things you would like to have said and done before the event - but sometimes life and death do not seem to play out anyway we hope or imagine -

Of course it is early days and I hope you can find some peace and balance in coming months -

I’ve had to check myself a few times recently as I feel I keep becoming clingy to my son and his new wife because he is like his dad so much and I have to remind myself he is a different person and has no idea on what I think and feel mostly.

I think the local meet-ups are a good idea for f there is one in your area ? I’m hoping to find one in my area so I can try and work through it all with people who *get it

Much love

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