Such pain

Hi everyone. I lost my mom in the early hours of Monday morning. She was 89 and my husband and I took care of her and lived with her. I’ve never really ‘left home’ as when my husband and I met 28 years ago he moved in. My dad had passed some years before and mom and I lived in a fairly big house. So I’ve seen my mom, with the exception of holidays, every day for 52 years. My husband loved her to bits and she him - ‘he’s like a son’.
Approximately 1am Monday I heard her calling for me. I went to see if she was okay and she was struggling to breathe and slurring her words. She says she’d got a terrible pain in her tummy. I shouted for my husband to call an ambulance. He had to perform CPR while we waited for the first responder and then he had to continue to do CPR while the first responder got a drip up and administered adrenalin. I had to squeeze the air bag thing to push oxygen into her lungs. I remember saying as I was doing it ‘she’s dead isn’t she?’ The first responder told me her heart had stopped. We managed to get it going again but she crashed again. The ambulance crew arrived and did their best but I had to make the heart wrenching decision for them to stop trying.
There has to be a postmortem but it’s suspected to be a ruptured abdominal aortic aneurysm. Fatal in almost every case within minutes.
We are traumatized by the events and devastated to lose her.
The house seems so empty and cold. A light has gone from our lives.

Hi sarah
I’m sorry to read about your mum.
My mum died suddenly last june. She also lived with my partner and I in a large house and we all got on brilliantly.
She went into hospital for a routine operation and an expected overnight stay but for a reason unknown she suffered a massive brain hemorrhage in the recovery room and died the following day.
Now, a year and 2 months later I csnf gear the house without her so much that we have put it on the market. We only bought it 2 years ago so that mum could come and live with us.
She was 74, apparently healthy and this is the biggest shock of our lives.
The raw pain will lessen slightly for you but this is very early days for you. Just take each day hour by hour until you feel stronger.
Cheryl x

Cant bear the house

Hi sarah
So sorry to hear about your mum.
My mum’s in hospital too with cancer, she was rushed into hospital about 2 months ago with urinary problems, found out friday she has stage 4 cancer.
Like you i cant visit her or even speak to her on the phone she’s too far gone, it’s her birthday tomorrow and i won’t be able to see her because of covid.
I wish i could offer some words of comfort, but know my heart goes out to you at this difficult time.

Sorry i’ve posted in the wrong topic

Sorry to read about your mum veiledDruid

Thanks, don’t know how i ended up posting here

I dont know if you have posted incorrectly? Your message was to sarah and it’s in the losing a parent category

yes i have my post was for Prettygreeneyes.

Thank you Cheryl. I am so sorry for your loss too. The house seems so empty. When I pass her room or come in from being out I want to shout ‘Hi mom’ and hear her ‘Hi babbie’ reply. She always called me ‘bab’ or ‘babbie’ a Midland term of endearment. I’m so lost…

I know sarah. Mum had her own bedroom, living room and bathroom on the ground floor and I just feel sick when I open the front door and she isnt here. She bought herself a new tv for her living room. Really big and modern. The first new television in 20 tears for herself. She only watched it for 6 months.
It makes me sick. Her bedroom is untouched. I got rid of all her clothes and shoes.
The house is so quiet without her and although I keep it pristine and clean, I get no enjoyment from it.
Thats why we are selling. I need a new house without memories of mum.
So I fully understand. I see people who are really old and I get bitter. My mum and I were clothes shopping and enjoying a boozy pub lunch just a week before she died.
Like I said, things will ease for you but it will take time. Keep posting on here because it really does help x

Sarah68, I’m sorry you lost your Mum. It all sounds very traumatic.
My best advice is rest often and try and eat to keep your energy up. My GP said don’t forget to eat! I also found going to bed an hour early really helpful.
I lived with my Mum too for decades, as her carer. Ten months ago, she died suddenly from pneumonia and a heart attack. She was 74.
Last night, as I was going to bed I absentmindedly called out “Goodnight”. The second I said it, I was in bits.
As Cheryl says take in hour by hour. I’ve found the sue ryder forum, so very helpful and supportive. I hope you do too. Once again I’m sorry for your loss. Take care.

I forgot the mention that the Sue Ryder site does do counselling, but I read somewhere that it’s best not to have it too early, whilst it’s all very raw.

Oh Sarah I’m so sorry. I cried when I read that you miss her calling out “babbie”. When I go see my dad when I leave the house I shout out “bye mum”. The silence is deafening isn’t it. I also still wave as I drive off as she used to wave until I disappeared out of sight. Dad just shuts the door and goes in. It’s those little things that cause such utter pain. It’s really early days for you the shock is really horrible. And you will be consumed with those final images. But they do fade over time. Try and rest and not put too much pressure on yourself. You and your husband need to grieve together and lean on each other as it’s a lonely road. But together hopefully you can help each other.

Thank you everyone for your messages of support. It’s now day 5 and I’m supposed to register her death. There’s been some kind of delay with the duty doctor notifying her own doctor and the coroner still hasn’t been informed. I sit about not wanting to do anything. I either cry or just stare blankly at the telly.

Hi sarah
Dont worry about the registering. I didnt register my mums death for over 3 weeks due to delays with the coroner.
If it’s in their hands you arent responsible for any delays
Cheryl x

Sarah68, it such early days for you. In the first weeks of bereavement one is often in shock and this is good thing, as it protects the body.
I remember my first week. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I seemed to move from room to room hugging myself. In the end, I started to write an eulogy because it was something I could focus on.
The admin and the funeral part is the last thing one wants to do at the time, but looking back gave me some focus. My moto in the early weeks months was “gently does it”.
Like Cheryl, i also had a delay in registering.
Sarah68, Are you having a funeral?

Yes the silence is deafening. A void that nothing can fill. I’m so sorry for your loss too. Tears and numbness are all there is at the moment.

I am having a cremation - it is what she said she always wanted. I am still going into her room as if she’s there and talking to her. I tell her how much I love and miss her. She always thought she was a nuisance so I tell her she never was. I hope she hears me.

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This what I did talk to the room, as if she was present. I had a lot to say!
I think it’s heathy to get it out of your system by talking to your Mum.
Months down the line I still talk to my Mum, as I find it a stress buster and also healing. My conversation now is more brief, but it does help get it off my chest.

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