Eight weeks ago my soulmate and best friend got up from the dinner table joking with me to go upstairs. Half way up he stopped and joked some more, suddenly he made a terrible noise and was gone. No cause of death could be found for weeks. I was allowed to have a funeral with no death certificate, nothing made sense. I have family support and close friends but I’m constantly expected by others that I know to be getting on with my life, putting all behind me and they assume I’m alright now! They don’t like to be told the truth, I’m expected to say I’m fine and they seem almost offended when I say I’m not coping well. I close my front door and fall apart, it doesn’t seem real at times and I can’t think or function properly. We did everything together and phoned each other several times a day as he would say “for an I love you moment”. I’ve been told to put his photos away, pull my socks up and move on. I can’t think of life without him and I’m very intolerant of those who don’t try to understand. I just wanted to reach out to others who do know what I’m feeling.
Hi EllieP
I’ve just read your sad post and am so sorry for the loss of your soulmate. It was so recent you are probably still in shock. It must have been so upsetting having to wait for the cause of death. My husband died unexpectedly in October and I had to wait about a week before the cause was known and that was long enough. Like you we did everything together. At first you have no idea who you are anymore as you’ve always been part of a ‘team’.
Most of us on this site have experienced the same thing as you, with other people wanting us to move on. They have no idea what it is like - We are broken and don’t know how to ‘fix’ ourselves. We all understand what you are going through. It is a very long process and you have to be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time.
Keep posting on here - everyone is so wonderfully supportive.
Sending you a big hug
Yvonne
Dear EllieP,
The sudden loss of your soulmate is indeed a tragic story and I am so sorry you are in such a turmoil. You obviously had a very strong and loving bond - hold on to that every tie you feel in despair and sad.
My support and advice is to not do anything in a hurry - you do not have to do anything because somebody else thinks it is the right thing.
It will become easier for you to be able to bear the pain of your loss - keep talking here and everyone will help you.
Take care and I am so very sorry for your loss.
xCarole
Thank you Yvonne. I’m sorry to hear you lost your husband too. You summed it up for me with ‘you don’t know who you are anymore.’ I hadn’t thought of it like that but it is exactly how I feel. Take care Ellie P
Dear Carole
Thank you for your support and advice. I have had so much advice to get back to normal but normal no longer exists for me and people around me cant see that. I will do things in time. Take care Ellie P
Dear Ellie P ,
Ignore what others say unless it’s happened to them they have no idea what it feels like and what you are going through.
My lifelong partner died suddenly and unexpectedly, there is no “normal” to get back to.
Our whole lives disappeared the night he died, like you we spent so much time together.
After a lifetime of working we were looking forward to our first real year of retirement together.
I’ve found that everything I enjoyed before I can’t bear to do - reading, swimming, pilates I can’t even face going to the hairdresser because I’ll have to explain what’s happened .
I am devastated at losing my partner and so upset at losing the chance to grow old together, I feel we’ve both been cheated and have no idea what to do now.
Don’t put away his photos, why should you? you want to remember him and your years together - I’ve been collecting together memories - cards, souvenirs from over the years and putting in a folder
After so many years together you can’t adjust in weeks or even months,
take care , J x
Thank you Jackie.
I like the idea of putting together memories, I will do that in time. I won’t take down his photos, they have always been on the walls and help me now to see him. We were building a business together and had so many plans and dreams. Now I can’t see beyond today as the future has gone with him.
Take care
Ellie P
Hi EllieP
I know your horrible pain. A year ago my husband who was 55 went for a lie down in the front room to watch the football. I went through a little while later and found him unresponsive on the couch. I tried to resuscitate him but to no avail. It was horrific and once the emergency services were called I felt he no longer belonged to me as they took over. I had to go through the horror of a post mortem and found he had died of heart failure. You will be no where near ‘alright’ as you will still be in shock. I was exactly the same as you and even after a year people think it is ok to think that you are getting on with your life. The answer is no - I am still grieving and hurting and so lonely. My memory is still bad and I have some really bad days. 8 weeks is very early days and do not let people tell you how to feel. They have to experience it to know…
Try to take care of your self and try to eat and rest xx Keep posting your feelings. I have just joined this site and it is really helping me xx
Doreen x
Hi Doreen.
Thank you, I’m so sorry you lost your husband in the same way. It is absolutely devastating. It was no more than a minute between laughing with me in the kitchen and me running up the stairs and he was gone. My husband was 66 but still working full time as he loved his job as a carpenter. I too tried CPR until the paramedics got here. They worked for almost two hours whist I sat helpless on the stairs. It makes no sense. Today was tough, we would have been out together on a bank holiday enjoying the sunshine in a garden somewhere. Instead I sat at home ploughing through paperwork as I only got his death certificate this week.
I don’t believe there is any getting over something like this. Take care Ellie P
My Husband died suddenly on Christmas day 2017. I know what a terrible shock it is. He was there one minute and gone the next. I too have to smile and say I’m doing ok but I know how you are feeling inside. I was just trying to get to grips with his loss, the dreaded funeral had taken place and 6 days later My Mum died. There are days when Just want to hide under the duvet covers and let the world get in with it. I hated spending bank holiday Monday all on my own but some days it feels like I can handle it. It is early days yet. You are not alone in your feelings. Stay strong and be kind to yourself x
Hi Kezz,
What a terrible time for you, my mother died in December at 98 and my partner only 3 months later suddenly and unexpectedly at only 69. The shock will never leave me.
The bank holiday was awful as are most days, like you it’s early days take care and I hope life gets a little easier for all of us J x
Hi Kezz
I can’t imagin the pain you and Jackie are dealing with losing two people you love so closely together. My mother is 90 and was taken to hospital just after the funeral, she ok again thankfully but has told me to ‘pull my socks up’ and get on with my life. The bank holiday was difficult as we would have been out somewhere nice, people have asked was I enjoying the sunshine or did the sun make you feel better!
It good to know there are people who understand how I’m feeling. Take care of yourself and thank you for your message of support. Ellie
Hi
I feel like you are describing me. We did everything together and he would ring me several times a day just to tell me loved me. I really don’t know where to start a life without him, I’m scared of being on my own. As you my family are being supportive but if I cry they ask if I’m ok (course I’m not) my life has been taken away all future plans gone. Where do we start. Perhaps we could try and help each other, I’m not sure how but just chatting or crying together might get us threw x
Hi Cinders
I’m so sorry you’re going through this terrible time too. It would be good to support each other. I will message you.