Sudden Death

so sorry for your loss. yesterday visited the doctor about my foot when he said I would
never get over losing my husband. that cheered me up.

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Hi @Tamara, I lost my husband suddenly too - he was 55 with no health issues.
You ask how long the reality takes to hit you, Iā€™m approaching 9 months and I havenā€™t had that crushing, devastated feeling that some describe. Instead Iā€™m numb, sad but not constantly crying. It hits me at times and I feel lower and I do cry often but not sobbing uncontrollably. I wonder too if itā€™s because the reality hasnā€™t hit me, or is this just how I am. I miss my husband every day, I miss my happy life that has been replaced by this sad existence but I feel Iā€™m plodding on. I hope you find some answers but Iā€™m afraid I donā€™t have any to offer. I wonder if people think Iā€™m cold as Iā€™m not sobbing uncontrollably? Iā€™m not sure but you canā€™t control how you react.

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hello Madeleine. I am really sorry you are going through this, it is horrible and there is no real comfortā€¦

Almost two years ago my husband died of his first heart attack also. We were both on our computers at home on a Monday morning (WFH in my case). Weā€™d been chatting normally and had been on a long walk on both Saturday and Sunday. He seemed perfectly normal except form some back pain which I was running him a bath for. He was 50 and no known history of heart trouble. I thought he was healthy as during covid weā€™d been on a health kick. It was just so unexpected, I was in no way prepared.

10 minutes later I was doing CPR on him, despite not knowing what was wrong with him, it was very very confusing and upsetting, Iā€™ve written loads on here about it all if you are interested but in hindsight a massive additional burden on me was his sudden death and the confusing way it happened where I felt implicated for a long time myself. I do still struggle with this several times a week and it took a good 6+ months before I stopped seeing his dead face and the minute details in all my senses of when it happened almost all my waking hours.

I had counselling (I think at first you are so shocked even that doesnā€™t help so much, but in time it does once your brain has caught up with WTF is happening to your life). I went on anti-depressants (not for grief, for the anxiety, PTSD and complicated grief that came from the experience, A/Ds certainly were a factor in saving me from further harm so are not always the devil).

I joined a group of fellow widowed people. All this support over time has helped me start to build a life again, despite feeling absolute hopelessness in the beginning.

I seriously would have punched anyone who told me ā€œtime is a healerā€¦blah blahā€ but annoyingly it did seem to have some truth in it. I think it takes some time (many months) for your brain to unpack what happened and until then all you can do is survive and try to look after yourself going through the motions of what you need to survive until eventually maybe life will start to have some new meaning again.

You can never reclaim the old life that was stolen from us/them but in my case at least, I am finding new things that matter. I think about my husband every day, he is a massive part of who i am. I still canā€™t look much at photos or go to some places we shared but things are getting easier where i have other stuff around all the grief.

The separate issue of the PTSD from the way he died I think is still quite strong at times and paralyzes me. So I think you shouldnā€™t beat yourself up if that happens to you sometimes as you are much earlier on than me and itā€™s just a horrible, traumatic thing to see your loved one die in this way.

Wishing you all the best and some peace eventually. Take care x

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Hi Madeleine
I am sorry for your loss. I lost my hubby like that in February 2020, it has taken me up until recently not to cry every day. From my experience I will never get over what happened to him, but at some point you adjust to living with the heartache. My hubby was only 59. I ainā€™t gonna lie the first 2 years will be tough especially all the firsts like birthdays Christmas etc. Be kind to yourself & if u wanna lay in bed all day & cry just do it, likewise if you wanna go out & let your hair down, do it. Sending you hugs xx Lou

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I couldnā€™t agree more Lou about being kind to yourself . Somehow you really have to. After the initial shock of losing Phil I found I was critical of myself telling myself to stop the self pity, crying every time I was by myself thinking I was helpless and hopeless. But after talking to a counsellor , friends and family I began to accept that you really do deserve to treat yourself with absolute kindness nothing can be as devastating as the situation we all find ourselves inā€¦ Do what you want to do, need to do
Kind thoughts to all

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totally agree with Lou and Jan. give yourself as much time as you need and be kind to yourself. I still cry sometimes now and itā€™s nearly two years since I lost my soulmate. Some days are quite reasonable but you never forget and the pain can come flaring back in seconds. Best wishes to all.

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Dear Madeleine,

As many have said on here, you are not alone. I too lost my seemingly very fit, healthy 60 year old husband after he went out to play football as usual and never came home. Another of the players said he was the fastest on the pitch despite being almost twice the age of some.
I am grateful I wasnā€™t the one trying to resuscitate him and not succeeding and am lucky enough to know it was a fellow player who is a Dr. I can completely understand why you have struggled with that, FleurDeLis. It must be SO difficult and my heart goes out to you.

For all of us there is no easy way to look at it. Regrets, what ifs, the awful prospect of life without them. I am five months in to my new life and whilst I hate it, miss him every moment of every day, I am trying to live in a way which would make him proud of me. My two daughters 26 and 24 are very different from each other. The 26 year old is very much like me and we cry a lot. She gets married next year and we know it will be a bittersweet day.
My 24 year old autistic spectrum daughter cannot look into the future and lives for each moment so is coping better than we are. She hugs us, looks after us but has tears when something strikes her about the loss.

What I am trying to say is that there is no right or wrong way to be feeling. We are going through such awful times, not of our making, but we will find a way through somehow. Love to you all who have had this thrust upon them. :heart:

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Iā€™m so sorry to be reading these heartbreaking stories and want to send each and every one if you a massive virtual hug. Iā€™m also selfishly relievedā€¦ my husband died quite unexpectedly too, just 6 weeks ago and since then have felt as though Iā€™m quietly losing my mind. He had just had his 68th birthday, was a larger than life gorgeous man and I canā€™t imagine next week, next month or beyond. Iā€™m just plodding through each day in a fog of disbelief.
He collapsed very early morning and I had to perform CPR until the ambulances arrived. They continued to try and resuscitate him with cpr, adrenaline etc., for 40 minutes, butā€¦
I just canā€™t believe itā€™s all real. It must be some ghastly mistake
I can only hope we all find our personal best way forward and find the strength to pick up the pieces in time and live the lives our partners would have wanted us to xx

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Dear Madeline.
I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. My husband died suddenly recently and I canā€™t deal with it. We had been together for 55 years and I feel so lost. Whatever I say to you canā€™t make anything better but I just wanted to say look after yourself. I still feel lost and people donā€™t come around to see me very often. I think they believe I should be ok by now but I am not. This group has helped me though and I am pleased you have joined because members letters do help. I know you must feel so alone. At first some family kept in touch with me but donā€™t now as they really do think I should be better. I have had help from people in this group who wrote to me so I am glad you have joined as I think you will get support. Please contact me if you just want to anytime. Take care of yourself.
Carol

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Hi @Sassisoo , I just wanted to express how sorry I felt reading your post, my heart goes out to you. I know what youā€™re going through as exactly the same thing happened to me, 22 months ago. My darling husband was only 57,fit and healthy, absolutely unexpected. He hadnā€™t had any heart problems or any other health issues.
Youā€™ve done the right thing joining this site, you will find solace and comfort sharing your feelings here with everyone.
Take care.

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Hi @Carol21, I relate to you perfectly when you say that people think that you should be doing OK now, they just cannot understand. I agree with you that this group can help us get through our days. Knowing we are not alone and that we can be understood, talking the same ā€˜languageā€™, as others who havenā€™t gone through this cannot even begin to comprehend the pain weā€™re going through.
Take care

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Dear Madeline,

As many have said on here, you are not alone. I too lost my seemingly very fit, healthy 60 year old husband after he went out to play football as usual and never came home. Another of the players said he was the fastest on the pitch despite being almost twice the age of some.
I am grateful I wasnā€™t the one trying to resuscitate him and not succeeding and am lucky enough to know it was a fellow player who is a Dr.
Sassysoo, that must have been such a terrible ordeal, my heart goes out to you.

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I am getting realy loney now after 9 month and would like to meet anyone in Wellingbourgh who is in the same situastion

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Sassison and others so sorry for oyour loss I wish I could make it better
but people stop coming round and think you are oki

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That is so sad I no ure pain. I have just lost my sister 5 weeks ago only 56. Totally unexpected. I lost my mum in April. And my brother 10 months before. I have no parents now and no siblings now. I am in shock and no one seems to understand. I try get up and cope with the day ahead. Sometimes even smile. But itā€™s fake as I feel dead inside.

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This happened to me on the 13/04/21 my husband was slightly older at 72 but I thought he was the fit and healthy one and we had so many plans which were wiped out on that night. I can only say itā€™s not easy -I am seventeen months on now and I am living - I thought I had nothing to live for but after the shock you begin to take every day as it comes - I couldnā€™t eat or sleep for three months I lost over two stone and felt weak- my three daughters and my grandchildren rallied round and tried to keep me busy and I am gradually emerging from the depths of grief. Try and be kind to yourself and donā€™t expect to feel ok because this has got to be the worst experience you will ever have to deal with - you can emerge from this and feel peace - I feel ok - not happy but no longer depressed - itā€™s hard to explain because I still love my husband and nobody can tell me that just because he isnā€™t physically with me that I canā€™t- I carry so many memories and they are all happy ones that when I feel down I think about him and I feel the love we had and just let myself remember and live in those memories. You are not alone and if it helps write your thoughts on here and we are all here for you.

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Thank you Sanbay. Itā€™s so helpful to hear from people who are a little further on in this awful journey. I know there is no defined pattern to grief but any positive glimmers we can see can only help.
Sending love. x

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Thank you to everyone on here who has written to me and shared their experience. Itā€™s been just over three weeks since I lost my husband on 31/8/22. To those asking how long it takes to start feeling better, I feel at the moment that Iā€™ll never feel better and never get over the shock. I hope I am wrong, I honestly do. I feel that this world is so unfair and so mean. Not only am I grieving but I am just getting one illness on top of another - first a bad chest infection two weeks ago which I still canā€™t shake off, then a cold on top of that, then numerous aches and pains s in my body. I feel like an old woman yet I am only 64. Additionally, I have to have an operation on 7 Oct to remove a large kidney stone (something that happened before my husband died and I canā€™t help but think it contributed to his death. ) I just feel sorry for myself and feel miserable and depressed. This is not the usual strong person that I am. I do not recognise myself. My husband would despise me so I am trying to be strong for him. I feel that no one cares. Every phone call I have to make about his affairs, ie car insurance, etc etc the person on the other end says oh sorry, but has no real empathy. They just donā€™t give a sh*t and it hurts me that they donā€™t know or care what a wonderful man he was. I am just feeling sorry for myself so know. And I just hate the world right now. Hopefully, we will all feel better in time. And I also want to say that I feel gratitude when I read your similar stories which are tougher than mine - younger ages, children still at home, etc. I know a lot of you have suffered more than me. Thst is perversely comforting and I genuinely feel for you all. It is very comforting knowing that you are all there for each other. I hope one day to be able to offer comfort and hope to you and retell a story down the line of how recovery is possible.
My thoughts are with you all
Madeline x

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I feel your pain, and share your feelings of hopelessness. My husband was only 68 and died within two weeks if being told he had cancer . Bless you and your family,x

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Madeline
So sorry to hear of your great pain. 22 months ago I was where you are now. I canā€™t tell you that it gets better but it does get easier to deal with the awful pain. I donā€™t cry every day now even though I often feel that I couldā€¦ I have found talking to my husband makes me feel calmer. Sometimes I tell him how unhappy I am and sometimes itā€™s just any news I would have told him anyway. I do think trying to get out and about helps. I have joined the U3A and a local film club where I have met many different people quite a lot of them like myself on their own. Hopefully we will all learn to live more contentedly than we ever hoped we could have done, Iā€™m not there yet but perhaps one day ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦
Love and best wishes to all in the sad road.

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