@Hev57 thank you and so sorry for your loss.
I am overthinking everything at the moment but know I have to breathe and take it one day at a time. The suddenness of it all literally is like a huge punch in the gut, it knocks you completely off your feet and your anchor and connection to everything has literally been pulled from underneath you, leaving you floundering around like a piece of driftwood. None of us have instructions or a handbook to guide us through this and although most people mean well, until you have experienced this there is absolutely no clue as to the devastation death causes. It also makes you face your own mortality which is pretty scary too. What I find the most amazing and bizarre observation, is people who are going through this hell are so eloquent/articulate and word perfect in expressing their feelings, thoughts and emotions and putting it all in words that reach the heart and soul with so much compassion how on earth can that be? It just shows to me we are our own counsellors. Experience is the greatest teacher. My heart goes out to everyone going through this
Sorry for your loss. I too journal as having no family and being alone it helps enormously as an outlet for your emotions/thoughts. I started doing it when I lost my parents but as of yet I havenât with Jim because I canât put pen to paper until my brain acknowledges what has happened. I am still too shocked to deal with anything other than to do basic things like eat, sleep and breathe. Itâs the here one minute and gone the next with no warning. The timer goes off on my oven, the alarm clock wakes me up, my watch tells me the time, the news lets me know the weather and whatâs happening, Facebook notifies me of posts, everything comes with a pre notification but my partner having a massive heart attack and leaving this earth forever came with NOTHING, death is silent, cold and shows no mercyâŚand leaves an aftermath of total destructionâŚ
@Sarlyn i have an electronic journals and find writing this down helps get them out of my head and stops things ruminating. I keep it as mood diary to see how i am coping and to record the good days, so i can look back when days are not so good. In the early days we are very robotic but again this is you brain helping you cope with this hideous trauma. Sending virtual hugs.
So sorry for your loss. So many people supporting others even though they are suffering their own grief. It gives me some faith in humanity in what can sometimes be a very cruel world that we live in. Grief is undeniably the worst life experience. Itâs like an open wound that never quite heals
Thanks @Sarlyn
How right you are that we become our own counsellors and this forum works very well for that. You are one of the people you mention who is so eloquent and puts the emotions involved into words so clearly.
I donât expect to âget overâ losing Richard but I do hope to live with the pain so that I still have a life until I join him. It is less intense now and I am doing some things which are fun as well as holding things together at home so I believe Iâm doing as well as could be expected at 11 months.
Love
Karen xxx
Same for me 29th January ruptured brain aneurysm my attempt of cpr failed i live alone and found this group by mistake we will guide each other through sending love to all of you 
xxx
Lyn it is such a shock and I know so what how that feels. Only not exactly the same but my husband died of a heart attack and was resuscitated several times but he didnât survive in the end although I had some time with him before. That was 5 months ago. I still feel raw. I tried to mow the lawn today struggling with it. He always did it. Got to do so many things he did now. Take rubbish out, sort everything out I never used to do. Little things on there own but I forgot to listen to the answerphone and missed lots messages ge used to deal with. He changed the clocks and I forgot so all the dinner was an hour late. I burst into tears. I felt so upset yet just tip of iceberg. Have to figure out stuff like why something isnât working like fuse has gone.
Change batteries. Figure out how to make gadgets work. Yanked out a shrub myself and now will have to defrost deep freezer. He did all that.
@Enorac my partner was also resuscitated twice. His heart stopped for 18 minutes, he was rushed into emergency surgery and ended up on life support for 4 days. They told me if he had survived he would most certainly have had brain damage, so I feel some gratitude that he didnât have that to deal with. He hated illness or not being physically active.
I am exactly the same as you, I forgot to put the bin out, I have had to do weekly food shop on my own and my god that was so hard, seeing food for one in the shopping trolley, coming out and looking for his car and realizing it will never be parked there again. I too forgot the clocks and cried when I was an hour late walking our dog (he used to do that too). I woke up in the early hours convinced it was that time when the element usually packed up in the oven and how on earth was I going to replace it? His funeral is 20th April which will be 7 wks from when he passed due to funeral backlogs and he is currently still in the hospital morgue as no room at the funeral parlour and I immediately wanted to take a quilt to the morgue to keep him warmâŚmy brain is frazzled and Iâm scared of my own shadow, I totally relied on him for so many things I took for granted. I hate rolling over in bed to a void and miss his snoring and fidgeting. The dog has now replaced his place in bed. Itâs all so completely unreal and the silence in the house is unbearable. I canât hear his voice anymore. I have no saved voicemails. Even doing the washing up kills me. The thought of no holiday for the foreseeable future, no country walks, his slippers still in the hall. I just keep saying in my head âJim where are you?â, looking at his photo knowing thatâs all he is now just a photo and memoryâŚall this is without the financial side of thingsâŚat the moment all I want to do is scream
Yes I identify with my husbandâs things being here still after now five months. I still havenât slept in our bed yet since he left five weeks before he died in hospital. It is ice cold in there. I used to go in there and talk to him as if he was there but gradually do not every day now. When it is t so cold I am going to sleep in there again or try to.
I installed a TV by the side of our bed so I can watch it. We used to have one in there years ago. I want to see if I can then. Prepare it so I have a drink and every thing to hand. It will be hard. But I know will gradually when am ready.
@Enorac
I hope youâll gradually feel at peace in your needing some day. As as you say, when you feel ready.
xxx
@Lee191 My partner died suddenly on 29th January, he was 49. Took him seconds to die. No symptoms at all, just said he felt dizzy and fell and died. Just like that, his life done and mine. 
Lee: I thought that was how my husband would die like that because he had a bad heart. But I did witness suddenly die but he was in critical care so had he been in the lift he wouldnât have survived. They were taking off the heart support. So they put it back on again then it was like it had not occurred. But there was only so many times they could bring him back and his heart only had 40 per cent ability to work which isnât enough. He did not want to go to hospital when he had warnings before and had he done so he might have had a proper procedure but it was in the pandemic then and anyway he was mid 70s with diabetes and already the rest of his body compromised. It must be really awful when younger. I worry that might happen with my son as he is morbidly obese. My sister in lawâs first husband died suddenly at 42 with a fatal heart attack. That was many years ago as she is in her mid seventies now and very sad. My heart goes out to you. Had he died in his early 40s, my boys would have only been little. People say he lived to a decent age. Not old age. But still whatever age it is raw. When my baby was born dead I felt he had no life and that felt awful. He could have survived. His best friend died in his teens of a motor bike accident. Life is fragile. I like to think his spirit is still here. God bless you
Enorac
You will know when you are ready and Iâm sure when that time comes, it will comfort you and the bed you shared is where you belong, alongside your love. Love never dies, only the physical body which is only the shell that houses our soul and spirit. The body gives out but the heart and soul never does. It exists differently and most definitely within us who are still here. When we are grieving we focus on loss but there is no loss in reality because love endures into eternity and beyond. We are still here for a reason and I believe it is to share that legacy of love that we were gifted. Those that remain are the strongest vehicles of carrying that love forward. Your husband left you to guard, nurture and spread that love because you were destined to do so x
@Sarlyn
I love those words of encouragement for many of us. Thank you.
I know my love for Richard hasnât diminished in way and that the tears of grief are simply an expression of that love.
Karen xxx
@Sarlyn , Such beautiful words that comfort and encourage us to take our love forward. Thank you xx
Goodness I am so sorry for your tremendous loss I too feel exactly the same and its two years three months on from Chrisâs death he was my world and now the crushing lonelyness makes me fearful of the future.All i can say is one step at a time if you think far into the future a yawning chasm of emptiness just consumes you.You are on the right forum just please keep posting we know how you are feeling
So sorry for ur loss.I think the Covid jags have a lot to do with this my mum passed away suddenly of a heart attack didnât ever have any problems with her heart xxx
I have wondered about the safety of the jab of course but canât know as risk with lots things.
My tears are sometimes for lots.of reasons including feel so sorry for suffering, my loneliness, regret how it sometimes was, overwhelming fear, about unwelcome loss of what was good but it wasnât perfect and there is also relief too that the exhaustion is gone. And yes love too.
@Enorac
Yes, tears come for all those things you said, for me excluding that the exhaustion is gone. Richard worked so hard that his boots are hard to step into.
We are facing our grief which has to be done but try to give yourself a rest from it by distraction every now and then if you can.
Hugs
Karen xxx