sudden death

Hi. I am new to this site and have appreciated your conversations. My husband of 41 years died suddenly in our living room of a heart attack 5 weeks ago and on our son’s 40th birthday. I have 4 grown children and 8 young grandchildren who are devastated. Any suggestions for coping would be appreciated. My husband had no prior medical issues and we didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. strong text

3 Likes

Sorry for your loss of your beautiful angel I find this site good to talk to people but I’m waiting myself from a talk therapy adviser my angel passed last July suddenly it’s was traumatic I feel guilty I wasn’t their he was 51 we were engaged to be married only been together 3 years and engaged for 2 years I cry every day I listen to his music shows and look at his picture wish I could have done more hope you find some comfort knowing they will never leave you I have to carry on with my life but it’s dam hard as we done everything together children involved are effected try get some child therapy for them aswell as yourself and also if you have a garden plant some flowers or do a memorial in your garden when the times right for you and your grandchildren etc hope this helps a little they say it gets easier but you just have to learn to live with the grief take each day as it comes support your children and grandchildren and also look after yourself sending you love and healing :mending_heart:

@kath63 I had the same experience, my soulmate had a massive heart attack in our sitting room, completely unexpected. It’s coming up to six months now and some days are better than others but the grief, guilt and anger remain and I can’t see how it ever going to get better. It’s the loneliness, even when others are around i still feel alone. People say time heals but so far I can’t say I feel it

1 Like

Hi @Annde @Eveybabes @kath63
We all seem to have suffered loss of our partners as sudden and unexpected losses
My husband also aged 63 had no cardio issues but died of arteriosclerosis causing heart failure :broken_heart:
We only just took early retirement to spend time traveling and doing things we worked so hard for over 40 years and only had 4 months together and one holiday for his birthday. Life alone is tough and i dont think holidaying alone is for me but i will try it at least once on my own
Waiting for councelling have been advised should be by April he passed away in June so 10 months wait. Dont know if any f you have done councelling maybe you can say whether it has made any difference.
I dont like staying alone although i now have too.
I stay out during the day but have to come home at nights and weekends are long and very lonely. I dont drive so rely on public transport to get me around not so convenient at weekends.
Take care
Lynne x

1 Like

Sorry for your loss take each day at a time I lost my partner just over 6 months ago worse time of my life was sudden he was only 51 we had our whole life together was only together 3 years I miss him so much life can be so cruel I try to keep busy but like yourself weekends and nights are hard I’ve spoke to a grief counsellor and having another phone call feb 15 his family disowned me and I wasn’t allowed to say goodbye so my grief is extra sad I believe our loved ones are around us here if you need a chat

Hi @Eveybabes
Life is really not great.
You must be feeling so down especially with family not being supportive or helpful.
I know that family can be around but no support or help offered so it is exceptionally hard. Dealing with things on your own is difficult enough and as we have found life is too short who knows whats ahead anymore.
Just take a day at a time now and trying to find out who i am now. People just dont get this pain or grief unless they have suffered a loss.
Take care stay strong
Hopefully we get on with our new life but it will never be the same again and learning to adapt who knows !!
Take care
Lynne Xx

2 Likes

Mine died very suddenly in May I found him in the garden he’d had an heart attack now warning or anything.At first I was just numb .We had no children and I had to sort everything out on my own I just went through the motions but after the funeral it really hit me my way of coping is listening to music it settles me down more than anything,it’s hard to concentrate on tv .We all have our own ways of coping as best we can I hope you find some peace soon.xxx

1 Like

Hi @LyndaK
I see you enjoy gardening.
My husband loved his garden his peaceful haven. He grew vegtables and fruit and lots of plants and bamboo shrubs.
So i have inherited a garden now its a bit daunting as im not a gardener but trying to learn. I have covered the raised beds with plastic after taking out onions leeks carrots and given to neighbours and food banks.
Hopefully in spring i will be able to do some gardening maybe not as dedicated 9-5 but a few hours per day.
He liked the peace and growing things just really not my thing.
Perhaps you could advise easy things for me to take on this year
Kind regards
Lynne

Your responses have been very comforting. It helps to know that others can relate to and share this grief of losing a spouse or partner so suddenly. So far what has helped the most is being around my children and grandchildren. I can’t yet go out socially because others just don’t seem to understand this loss. Thank you.

2 Likes

Hi Galaxy,potatoes are easy to grow I have a greenhouse and grow tomatoes and cucumbers in there.It’s very therapeutic been outside working in the garden start slowly and don’t take too much.The flowers are really my specialty he always grew the vegetables.I have some beautiful roses he planted for me and I cut them all and had them all on his coffin they looked stunning they are easy to look after too.x

Hi @LyndaK
My husband grew the produce i just got to use them in my recipes. We have a greenhouse he grew tomatoes but about 6 plants maybe try just 2 and he grew cucumber so maybe 2 of these too.
Potatoes and courgettes he grew in pots and carrots leeks and onions in raised beds.
We have about 6 raised beds so too many for me to handle. Maybe grow bulbs or flowers in them so i can cut and use indoors.
He grew peas and beans too but as they grew quite tall and he was over 6ft he could reach them as im only 5ft would need a ladder do maybe put in pots if i want them.
He found the garden a peaceful and tranquil place to be after a hard day at work and weekend he was outside for hours.
I’m not sure i’m that dedicated hope over the next year i enjoy it too
Lynne x

Hi Lynne I am staying with my daughter and SIL this weekend, going home tomorrow which is the 6th month anniversary of when held his hand as he took his last breath at 1pm and I’m dreading going into my flat alone. These constant days that crop up so often makes it so hard to move on :broken_heart:Ann

I too had the same experience although my husband was quite poorly two weeks prior to his heart attack in bed beside me. Despite my attempt at CPR until the paramedics took over he never regained consciousness. When the doctor confirmed he wouldn’t make it to hospital I held onto him on our bedroom floor until he his heart stopped beating. I had a short time to thank him for the past 46 years and promised him our grandchildren would never forget him. I then had three months to prepare for our son’s wedding which came and went in a blur. That was almost three years ago and it hasnt been easy but after initially going into denial still thinking he was coming home, I have come out the other side battered and bruised. I’ve learnt to live alongside my grief but determined not to let it win. My message is it’s gonna be tough and so many more bad days than good but the fog does lift and it does get easier.

Sending much love
Georgina

2 Likes

Hi @Annde @Georgie15
Its nice to stay with family and get the help and support when you need it more on these special days we need it more.
I dont have any support from family in the UK but have a granddaugher and great grandson who will be 2 in June i could maybe visit and stay with. I have seen them twice over the last 8 months so maybe time to visit next month.
Trying to be strong as i know they have their own lives to lead too and dont really understand what we are going through.
Times are hard but learning to move on is just so difficult just now.
Take care
Lynne x

1 Like

Lynne I must admit that I was very reliant on my family in the first couple of months and am still getting a lot of support from them but I am trying not to impose on them though my youngest daughter and her husband are very supportive and will come to help me with things without me asking. My oldest daughter is less so but has been good and she has her daughter and two granddaughters who take up a lot of her time and that’s as it should be. I have started to do some volunteering work which keeps me busy a couple of days a week but it’s the evenings I find hardest especially with these long winter nights xx Ann

Georgina thank you for your positive post. I am not going to let the grief beat me, I will live with it as it is not going to go away but hopefully it will become less poignant as time passes. I think the first year is bound to be hard as it is the first time annual events are having to be faced alone. Take care x Ann

1 Like

Hi @Annde
My oldest daughter and her partner have not been any support, but i guess they have their own problems. I try not to dwell on things. My youngest daughter is in Australia phones every week so that keros me sane and planning holiday later this year. I also have a good neighbour who has helped me especially during these hard times. They have cooked meals and made sure i was ok
Otherwise im just working through things myself
Going back to volunteering with macmillan next month so that will bevgood
Take care
Lynne x

1 Like

I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my angel so unexpectedly to a heart attack. I never got a chance to say goodbye as it happened while he was out walking at lunchtime near his office, now almost 9 months in I am still in shock and disbelief :broken_heart:.
No suggestions I’m afraid but what I can say is what has helped me so far; I try take one day at a time, I talk to my angel every morning, afternoon and night as if he was still around - feeling his presence helps soothe the pain a little.
Please take care x

1 Like

Hi Lynne the volunteering is great for me on two fronts, It gives me something to get up for in the mornings and a purpose in my life and I also I’m contributing something worthwhile to the day unit and the people who use it. They have varying degrees of to dementia and as I have worked with people with dementia for years I have skills that I can use to the benefit of the employed staff and the clients. It is just so important to feel that I have a purpose in my life if you can understand what I mean x

1 Like

Hi @Annde
Yes i used to volunteer a year ago with MacMillan based in their libraries as i had ovarian cancer 3 years ago. I have had operations and now on my 10 year monitoring which has been going well.
It is good to give back some time i also work with Target Ovarian cancer on some run events they do in Edinburgh.
As you say it gives you a reason to get up and do things benefit for myself and others
Lynne x

1 Like