Hi everyone,
I lost my fiancé on 26/3/26, he went into cardiac arrest while at my home and I found him in bed unresponsive. I performed CPR for 11 minutes before the ambulance came. They worked on him for 1hr but sadly he never regained a heartbeat. I have two children (he is not the father). I have not really broken down in tears much really since and have no idea how I feel at all, I am yet to sleep in my bed and have been sleeping on the sofa. I just can’t bear to sleep in our bed without him, it still smells of him. The auto pilot mode I’m in is becoming “weird” and am dreading the whole situation coming down on me like a ton of bricks. Has anyone else experienced this numbness for this long?
Kate x
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Dear Kate, so sorry to hear of your loss. My husband - the love of my life - and I were together 35 years and he died on 28/2/26. The first two weeks after he died – out of the blue – of cardiac arrest, I didn’t cry many tears, instead I screamed, was in shock, couldn’t sleep or eat and had those periods of numbness. Then I started getting the huge sadness which is where I am right now, but although most of the time I am miserable, I now have moments of the day when I feel almost normal and can get some work done, or do things without endless crying.
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Hi Anita, we were both 42 and had been together 4 years but we’re best friends from the age of 21 so had a very close relationship, he was the total and utter love of my life. He wasn’t ill or anything like that, I spoke to him between 6 and 8 am in bed then went out to the school run, made a cuppa and watched some tv, he had stayed in bed for a lie in and I thought he’d been a while so went up to check and found him unresponsive, the guilt I feel for not going up sooner will live with me forever I think, even though I was told by all medical team that it wouldn’t have made any difference if I had, it had happened just before I went upstairs they think. They are almost certain CPR, no matter how soon wouldn’t have gotten him back, I was distraught and upset on the day and the day after somewhat and like you screamed as I didn’t know what else to do with all the pent up anger and sadness. It’s thecomplete numbness I’m feeling now that’s bothering me, it’s almost as if I couldn’t cry if I tried x
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@Johnnysgirl
I am sorry you’ve joined this emotional rollercoaster none of us ever wanted to be on . My husband died suddenly on 18/9/25 cardiac arrest. We had been married 36 years. The shock of witnesses something like that is terrible. You will be in shock, and feel numb .The first few months are really hard . Everybody copies differently , I try to keep busy as much as I can. I hope you have some family & friends to support you . Try to eat , drink and rest when you can grief is exhausting.Your tears will come once the shock starts to wear off . Look after yourself
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Hi @Johnnysgirl your story is very similar to mine but my partner died after a DVT and pulmonary embolism very suddenly but CPR and ambulance were the same. He had a serious accident a couple of months before but looked like he was recovering. I totally understand the feelings of numbness and I am almost 3 months on. Early on I struggled a lot and had about 5 weeks off work but I now feel that I have to keep surviving. I was homeless as a teenager (my dad moved away and my mum had left years before) and I was also single mum (ex-husband was an alcoholic). For good or for bad I think I have drawn on those times to keep going and busy. We have four kids in their twenties between us and my stepdaughters mum emigrated back to Canada so I am keeping them going too (none of them live with me). I sometimes feel I should feel particular ways but we all cope very differently. I don’t know how old your kids are but they probably help you to keep going. I find I need time on my own and I have less patience but I have just tried to keep really really busy and lean on people. There is no right or wrong way to feel. We just try to survive.
Oh and it took me 2.5 months to go back into our bed and I haven’t washed the sheets yet as it smells a bit of him still.
And please don’t feel guilty. It took me a few weeks to realise that if my partner had been sitting on the bed next to a paramedic they also wouldn’t have been able to save him. Nikkix
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Hi Nikki,
Thanks for your message, sorry to hear you’ve been through a similar situation, My kids are 13 and 8 so my life physically cannot stop moving, it does help that I have the distraction but the whole putting a brave face on is tiring as u can imagine, as I said before, I’m currently just cracking on and barely get upset at all, even recounting the events of last Thursday to people as for some reason everybody wants the ins and outs of it in detail (inappropriate but expected) I’ve had my friend staying over with me so have had some support and been forced to eat at times by the kids. I just feel like I’ve been thrust into an alternate universe. Twilight zone is an understatement
Kate x
@Sherbet10
Hi, thanks for your response, indeed not a club anyone wants membership to, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, so sorry to hear you also have had a very similar loss, I was unaware of this site and came across it purely by chance, it has in some ways made me feel less alone in this as saying the words to people who have experienced the same or similar seems different somehow to discussing it with the people around me. I have felt very alone as though no one understands what I’m going through.
Kate
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@Johnnysgirl
I also didn’t know about this site I stumbled on it by chance. I am so glad I found it as they are some wonderful supportive people on here . It’s been a lifeline for me . What has surprised me is how many people have lost their partners suddenly. Nobody truly understands until they go on this journey. I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight.
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I totally agree, just the fact that I can speak to people who have experienced it makes it so much easier to say the “hard truth” about the circumstances. Telling people outside that circle we find ourselves in isn’t the easiest as I feel, as I’m sure a lot of others do, that I don’t want to upset them or say something that they find weird or insensitive, I’m sure some people just think I’ve lost the plot at times cause I appear fairly calm or like I’m not upset at all because I’m on autopilot and still numb to it. I’m the kind of person also who puts the armour on and carries on with my game face, it’s just who I am. Inside I’m actually totally devastated. I too was shocked at how common it is for people to lose their partners in such unexpected sudden circumstances. Somehow it has made me feel less alone.
Kate x
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Don’t worry about what other people think Kate - they have not gone through it and we all cope in our own ways. I can totally switch off and detach especially when I am at work or doing things I wouldn’t do with Paul. Others have described waves - I can go for a few days before I have a wobble now. We have to survive and keep going Nikki x
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Hi Anita, does it get a tiny bit better after a couple of months? I can`t go on feeling like I do, just want to die and be with my Norm.
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Hi Helen, I do feel a bit less miserable and desperate than I did the first two weeks after the sudden death. Some days are worse than others, but at least I no longer get panic attacks, can sleep (taking nytol) and eat. I have moments when am sort of OK, can deal with paperwork, chores etc, others when I feel the despair of the loss, and I cry dozens of times a day every day. So yes, hopefully you should start feeling a bit better after a few weeks but (at least for me) the progress has been fairly slow and am looking for a therapist or a bereavement group to help me.
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Thank you, Anita, I really dont think I can take it anymore. I feel total despair, cant eat or sleep. Nytol doesnt seem to work, I cant face going through life without Norm.
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That’s dreadful! Am really sorry that you are in so much pain. I’ll share a few things that helpmed me early on, when I start feeling panic or screaming coming up, I started naming 5 things you can see and things you can touch. That took me out of the panic loop. I put at a low volume audiobooks or some calm music as I was told it helps better than total silence for falling asleep in the condition we are in. I’ve been to see my GP told them you are bereaved and they gave me something for the racing heart beat. I think you can ask for something to help you sleep for 1 or 2 weeks. Be kind to yourself. Your Norman would want you to look after yourself. And a lot of what we suffer during bereavement is actually physical so a doctor may be able to help. I also cant’t face going through life longterm withough my husband and keep watching videos and reading books about the afterlife.
Exactly where you are right now! If I do cry, its literally only for seconds then it goes away again, and the armour goes straight back on.
I’ve had both parents pass away from terminal illnesses 4 months apart, and now facing a terminally sick partner who now has only weeks left. I’ve had to be the “strong one” dealing with the practicalities for all three, the admin, forms and phone calls to a million NHS departments, palliative teams, then the death admin and probate for my parents.
I needed to keep a sharp mind, be physically robust, and be super focused so that it allowed both parents - and soon my partner - a chance of a peaceful, calm, pain-free ending, surrounded by love, comfort and safety.
My Mum passed late August, my Dad mid January, my partner got sick with cancer only a week after my Dad’s funeral. So it’s not stopped.
The main grief symptoms for me were extreme lethargy, an empty void feeling, and bouts of irritation, also prone to the flu, but still no crying yet 
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Johhysgirl, that sounds truly traumatic, so probably numbness is your body’s way of protecting you! The tears will eventually come
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I also looking at anything to do with afterlife.
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