Sudden Loss

WE lost our dear sister Juliet, yesterday May 4th. It was unexpected, she was in excellent health. My younger sister lives in Australia with her family, they were very close (as we all are). She is devastated, distraught.
We lost our mum to cancer 6 years ago and our dad last September, he had Lewy body dementia and Parkinsons.
We were just coming to terms with this loss, both were terrible but we had time to prepare. This is much much worse. Our sister leaves behind a young teenage son and a devoted husband.
We have never experienced this type of sudden loss and would really appreciate some insight on how others have dealt with it. I appreciate it is very early days but at the moment all hope for the future seems to have disappeared.

Hi PaddyandEllie,

I’m so sorry to read about the sudden loss of your sister. Sudden loss is so hard.
I know that watching someone you love die over a period of time is also awful but when they just suddenly go, out of the blue, acceptance is very difficult.
My mum who appeared fit and healthy went for a hospital appointment last june. It was day surgery and I was collecting her the following morning. Instead of ringing to tell me my mum was ready to come home the phone call i received was to tell me that my mum had suffered a massive brain hemorrhage for no known reason.
I have spent all these months trying to come to terms with what happened and I dont think there is an easy answer.
The passing of time does make things a little less raw but I think I probably just distract myself with work, reading, gardening etc.
I’m sure others will be along to tell you how they cope
Cheryl x

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Thank you so much Cheryl.

Hello. PaddyAndEllie,
I am so sorry that your sister Juliet has passed away it does come as a dreadful shock when it is sudden. My brother, to whom I was very close died 4 years ago, this was quite sudden and we were very close, six months later my dearest friend of nearly 72 years died suddenly, followed by my husband of 59 years last August. I knew he wasn’t well but I didn’t expect him to die.
It really is a trauma, when our loved ones die so suddenly without any expectation, the grief appears to be unbearable, yet we do bear it, It is so hard coming to terms (if ever) with our losses.
I am glad that you have found this forum, you are very welcome, although it s the place where you do not want to be.
We do understand what it is like, if you read the posts already .
Take care,
MaryL

Hi MaryL. I’m sorry to hear of your misfortune. I found it hard to accept my parent’s passing but they were ill for a while (my mum had terminal cancer and passed away in 6-7 months from a late diagnosis). Also, my sister leaves behind her son and husband which makes it harder when I think of their loss. Thank you for your words though. I’ll continue to read the posts from others. Best Wishes. Paddy

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Hi Paddy and Ellie,
My heart goes out to you all , sudden loss is I think is the most shocking and traumatic experience we can ever go through. You all must feel like you’re in a horrific nightmare and you’ll wake up soon.
I lost my husband six months ago , healthy and fit, only 56 and in a split second gone , he had a cardiac arrest. I know exactly how your sisters husband and son will be feeling. You all will feel numb and in disbelief, then it seems the reality of it all hits . All I can say is to be there for each other, especially your sister’s husband and son, you might find they just want to be left alone for a while, just let them know you’re there for them.
It’s a long hard journey and even now I can’t believe it and still struggle, but as the months go on you all will start to find a bit of strength.
This site will help so much as it has me .
So sorry for your loss
Steph x

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Also with the lockdown , that makes everything so much worse for you all especially if your sister in Australia so desperately wants to get back .
Thinking of you all x

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Thank you Paddy,
I am so sorry for your losses, I feel for your brother-in-law and nephew, it is heartbreaking for all of you.
Blessings,
MaryL

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Dear Stephtim, Your comments made so much sense and I found it very reassuring to know we are not the only ones who have struggled, especially at the beginning. Your suggestion about giving Juliet’s husband and son some room was particularly well put. I am sorry for your loss but thankful for your reply. Paddy and Ellie.

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Keep posting on here there are lovely people that can help and offer comfort to you as we’ve all experienced the same loss.
It’s so very raw for you all , but just take a day at a time.
Sending love x

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Hi @PaddyAndEllie
I just wanted to reach out and welcome you to the online community. On behalf of Sue Ryder, we are here to support in any way we can. I’m sorry to hear of the sudden loss of your sister. This forum has some wonderfully kind and supportive people so hopefully you’ll find some comfort in what others have to say. Sending love at this tough time.

Thank you for your thoughts PinkFlamingo, when our parents were ill we never really thought to reach out to other people, rather we felt that we should just “get on with it” ourselves. The replies we received on this forum took us by surprise, I don’t think I expected that much compassion and understanding from people we hadn’t met.
I see that you’re a volunteer moderator, I want to say thank you from us all for your work on these boards, and thank you for all the contributions from your community.
Best Wishes, Paddy and Ellie

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Dear @PaddyAndEllie understanding this is a tough time for you I wanted to reach out to welcome you to this community we very much hope that you can find comfort in the shared experience here. We are here to help and support in any way so please don’t hesitate to ask if you need anything. Sending strength to you

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So so sorry for your loss. I hope you find comfort in the fact that you are so not alone. The shock of a sudden loss is just unbearable. My beautiful mum, only 54 died suddenly. She was my rock, my best friend, the person who I lived for. I’m finding it so hard to cope. Wish it was me instead… although I know she would slap me for saying this. I just love her so much :two_hearts:

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Thank you so much Ailie, for your thoughts and for helping to run this community.

Hi Sanjab, thank you so much for your wishes. I looked back at your earlier post and saw your message about losing your mum. We lost our mum too, a little later in life. It’s so difficult. We took comfort in knowing that our mum had brought us up with the capacity to prepare for that moment when it came. I believe all parents do this in one way or another. I hope this is true for you and your family. Our best wishes. Paddy and Ellie

Hi PaddyAndEllie,
So sorry to hear of your loss. Everything must seem like such a blur and so UNFAIR. Sudden loss is so completely traumatic and leaves you feeling that you never got to say a proper goodbye.

We lost our 28 year old brother last year to a sudden brain aneurysm, although it still feels like yesterday. There are good days and bad but occasionally thinking of the trauma of it gives me a shot of adrenaline to my stomach and a feeling of sheer panic. There are so many questions like ‘Why him? Why us? Why now?’ and none have an answer. I feel as though my life is split into before he died and after he died, and the after part seems dull and like I have lost a part of myself.

I find it helps to think of what a great life that person had. It sounds like your sister had a wonderful family. And with sudden loss, there is the realisation that your sister hopefully knew nothing of what was happening to her. All these things don’t help at all now when it’s so raw and they really are crumbs of comfort, but one day you might think of these things and take a little heart.

To me it all still seems like a surreal nightmare that I don’t dare think about too much, but coping has become easier. Losing someone young is so hard but you are not alone. Wishing you all the best and sending lots of love to you.

Hi Paddyand Ellie ,
Just seen you’ve posted and wondering how you all are. I know that’s a silly question, as I know myself.
If you need to chat we’re all here to listen, we know it’s very hard just to get through each day .
Sending love and thoughts to you all xx

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Hi Stephtim. We’re still coming to terms with our loss. I think we’re coping quite well, our family is a close one and that really helps.
For some reason I found a post in my inbox from Shonzie who posted on the “losing a partner” forum. I’m not quite sure how I got this message but it really touched me as I’ve been thinking about my late sister’s husband and son and grieving for their loss too. I replied as best I could and tried to be encouraging.
My comments to her about realising how much kindness people gave us was genuine and heartfelt; the replies we received from our original post really helped, especially in the first few days.
We hope you are well too and are very pleased to hear from you.
All the best from all of us. Paddy and Ellie and families

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