Sudden loss

Can anyone advise me. My husband collapsed and died on our drive a month ago. He was only 62. There was no warning, and he hadn’t been ill. In fact we were going on holiday, two days after that. There was no time to prepare, no time to speak. I just don’t know how to move forward. I feel totally lost. Please How do people manage to cope?

im very sorry to hear about your loss .Im 57 my wife was 41 she died 04032016 on her birthday .My advice is take each day as it comes .Youll have good days and days .Sort out what you can if you have family ask them for help

Thank you Colin.I’m sorry for your loss - your wife was so young. I have a very small family, but some supportive friends. Will try to take your advice about appreciating better days.

Hi Eme. My husband on Valentine’s Day and one week from his 60th birthday went into the garden to put some anti slip tread on our decking steps and collapsed with a massive bleed on the brain. He went into hospital and in the ambulance I told him I loved him still thinking had just had a stroke. We never spoke again and he was officially dead on,the Sunday and that was 2 years and 8 months ago. The papers were completed and he was going to work part-time so that we could go away even more in our caravan. For all that I don’t have any advice for you as we are all so different. I can tell you how I was and for the first few months I was numb as if I was in a dream and would wake up. I had no memory and couldn’t remember the simplest things. The numbness wears off but it took a long time for me to remember things or cope with simple things. It could be the simplest,thing which would start me off and I prayed every day to die - even although I have family and grandchildren. I do certain things even now that I have only told to very few and others that I know would sound really silly and sad to ‘normal’ people so I keep these rituals to myself. I could go on but what I am really saying is nothing is silly if it helps you and it is your own business how you deal with this. I did some things because people expected it of me and probably thought they were helping but after the numbness wore off I was horrified that I hadn’t said no at the time. So give yourself time and be kind to yourself as you are very important too and you will find a path through this. What that path will be only time will tell. If you do have a good friend who will listen then take the help that you feel you need. I don’t know if any of this makes sense but I hope it helps just a little to know that you are not alone. I am glad you have found this site and hope it gives you comfort. My dearest sympathy, love and best wishes. Ev x

Hi Ev. It was good to hear from you, and thank you for your advice, it does make me realise that there are people out there with similar experiences to me, which in a way makes me feel less alone. What happened to your husband sounds so similar, and he was making ready our caravan, as we had a site booked and were meant to be going away two days later. We used to love touring in the van. Not having the ability to have a final conversation is very hard. Some days I feel as though I am in a dream, and it isn’t really happening. I still have to face going back to work, as I will need to keep going now. I have a small family, but I do have some good friends, although I don’t think anyone can really understand, unless it happens to them. This site has helped me today. Thank you for making contact. Sending sympathy, love and best wishes back to you.
Eme x

Hi eme I’m so sorry for your loss I can relate to your circumstances my husband died suddenly on May 11th this year I also never got to say goodbye and there is never a day goes by that I don’t think about it all I can say to you is take each day as it comes keep your self busy and it will fill up your day if anyone asks you go anywhere even though you don’t feel like it go believe me it does help I also have went back to work I’m even doing weekends (something I would never have done before just to fill my day ) just take small steps at a time you will find it hard at first but it’s something we need to do we have no choice I’m not saying the loliness will stopi still feel lonely but hopefully one day our pain will ease I’m here anytime you want to chat take care xx

Hi Eme. If there is anything I can do or you just want to chat don’t hesitate to write. A fellow caravaner - we started when our younger son was born and loved it and toured for 35 years until Billy died. I cried as the caravan went away and every time I saw one on the road I felt physically sick. I wanted them to have a lovely time but the pain was unbearable. It is certainly a complicated thing grieving. Take care. Big hug. Xx

Thanks Janey, I appreciate your comments and advice. People have been kind and invited me to things, which I have accepted and it has filled the hours .I really don’t like the weekends, especially Sunday. I suppose its one step forward and several back. Thank you for the offer to chat - that goes both ways - anytime you need to chat, just contact me. Take care xx

Hi Ev, Thanks so much. I completely understand your reaction to seeing other caravans .Also, I seem to be sending myself mad, as I am constantly thinking “What if this happens?” “What if that happens?” I know I have to deal with just what is happening at that particular. moment in time, but goodness me as you say, grief is certainly a complicated thing. This works both ways - anything I can do, or you want or need to chat, please don’t hesitate to contact me. Hugs to you. xx

Hi Eme. Just thought I would send a quick message just to let you know I am thinking about you. Don’t worry about what might happen; the present is enough to cope with just now. I started a to do list as I couldn’t remember things and my memory just went. Found all sorts of silly things in the fridge! I also started a journal and wrote down things every day - sometimes a message to my husband and sometimes just feelings I couldn’t tell anyone else. I still keep my journal and write a few words every day. Take your time and don’t rush anything and remember you are important too. Take care. All my best wishes. Ev

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Hi Ev. Thank you for your message and encouragement. Originally, I started out all over the place, got nowhere and ended up feeling inept and totally useless. I have started lists, and if I manage to cross one or two of them out I feel that I have achieved something. I have found a black book and have been using it to note down administrative type things that I have had to do that day,(who thought it could be so difficult to just change the name and email details on a gas/electricity account) however I can see that keeping a personal journal could be useful. Sometimes, as you say things do get overwhelming, and writing them down is a good way of expressing how you feel. Please take care, and contact me any time.
Eme x

I know how you feel, my husband was killed in July 2016 aged 49 my world has fallen apart

Hi Kes. Words just cannot convey my deepest sympathy for your loss. I too lost my wonderful husband very suddenly. I hope and pray you find peace. Take care and take it a day at a time. Ev xx

Hi Kes,
I am so sorry to hear that. I really can’t get my head around why these things happen, so suddenly and randomly.
I totally understand when you say your world has fallen apart. My only consolation was that we were very happy - now I don’t know what to do in any aspect of my life. If you want to talk about things you can always message me
Thinking of you,

I’m so sorry for your loss. It must have been such a shock. My dad was my best friend and he died suddenly in June. The first few weeks I was in a daze, I could barely function. I hardly ate and Felt nervous and sick all the time. I’d cry for hours every day. Now nearly five months on things have improved. What helped me was keeping busy. I decorated my whole house even though it didn’t really need it. I have a diary which I write to my dad every day. I found that helps me. I chat To my dad a lot about mundane stuff, I still have a dad it’s just my relationship with him has changed. It’s an old cliche but it does get better. I never thought I’d ever recover from such intense grief but I have started to. Be kind to yourself, grieving is hard x