Dear Tray
How lovely to send up a balloon to your mum but those that we love so much who are called home before we are ready to let them go never really leave us…your mum still lives in your heart and if you sit still and listen you will know it is so. Sometimes we get so overpowered by pain and fear that we just want to let go but your mum would not want that for you…you have come a long way and you will manage to go on further.
As regards your beloved dog, is there a Blue Cross anywhere near you? Have you thought about trying to crowd fund to help with vets costs…I do not understand how these things work but someone might be able to advise you!
Please don’t give up…everyone here understands how you feel so keep posting…sending you and Susie-Hope a virtual hug and keeping you in my prayers x
Just had to say, Jonathan, I am struggling today. I have been set back by the aftermath of last weekend, the one year anniversary, her birthday, dealing with a toxic older sibling…all came crashing down on me. Then I read your post and it helped to put things in perspective. I am looking for that tiny light that still shines, somewhere in this darkness. Thank you.
And you hug back! How did Dr go? How you doing? Stupid question I know!! It’s sunny and keep thinking of doing a little area for mum in garden but feel so sad and quilty as mum didn’t say much when really poorly but once in hospice monty Don the gardening programme was on and she said so sadly I’d like to do gardening but I’ve found out too late… She then looked so sad pained and fiddled with blanket a little… I just cried so much inside… These thoughts kill me xx
Dear Sister 2
I am sorry that this first anniversary has been so difficult for you…it seems to be one of grief’s nastier tricks and anniversaries are hard to manoeuvre . Jonathan offers such sage advice…when I am feeling down I try to tell myself that the first four words ever spoken were “Let there be light”…even scientists agree that light came first…sometimes we just can’t see it because the clouds have hidden it but the light is there somewhere and will shine again on each of us one day. Take care…God bless you x
Hello Dear Tray, I understand about the flash backs. I shared in a previous post that I lost my Mom in 2012, and now my younger sister in May 2018. Although I have another sibling, she demands my time, but is incapable of showing me any compassion, so in essence I have no family either. How well I know that feeling of fear, loneliness, and utter despair. I am so sorry about your precious Susie-Hope. I also named my (now also deceased) cat after my Mother. Your dog needs you, and will give you a reason to go on. People suggest I get another cat, however I now have a fear of getting close to another living being (a result of losing everyone I loved and cherished), This is not an uncommon grief reaction, we’ve been deeply wounded and naturally want to self-protect. I sense you are overwhelmed. Grief is exhausting, so you must take care of your immediate needs; sleep, nutrition, fresh air, and ‘Support.’ On this site you will find the latter. Not to worry about the tactless comment by that “so-called” professional. I deal with tactless, insensitivity in my workplace (a Mental Health facility, no less) and am constantly outraged. One can not learn Compassion, and one can not earn a degree in “Sensitivity.”
Please continue to reach out on this forum, we are here to receive, as well as to offer support. I just survived a painful one year anniversary, with the help of the good people on this site, and would like to help you through the approaching 16 of May. My, I did ramble. I wish you strength to face the week ahead. Xxx Sister2
Thank you Amelie’sgran. The first part of that anniversary weekend I was in the company of loving, caring mutual friends. They loved my sister and shared in the cancer journey. We spread ashes, lit candles in church, and prayed. The evening of my little sister’s birthday did not go as well. I had to go to a dinner with a very difficult older sibling, who was not kind to my sister in life. I could not sleep after spending two hours with her. I feel set back, but will carry on, and will follow my little sister’s beacon on light. She was, after all, the light of my life. Take care and blessing to you as well. Xxx
In my thoughts take care as much as possible Adele x
Thankyou Tray I appreciate it doctors wasn’t too good so I’m just waiting for the cruse bereavement but frankly what can anyone say or do to take away the endless physical and mental torture im utterly truamatised im having a very bad time at the moment really struggling hardly made it out of bed today I’m so sorry to hear about your loss and your struggles that would be lovely Tray maybe plant a few flowers water them watch them grow or buy a little plant and pot it so you can look out im sending you a hug speak soon in my thoughts take care as much as possible please Adele x
Thank you for your reply it means alot!.. I do feel overwhelmed yes that’s a good word to use…your relationship with your little sister sounds so very close and can feel the love you have for her and your mum in your posts… Mums anniversary on mind alot and also these final days leading up to her passing how poorly she was… I feel bad about saying feel suicidal because I have seen those in hospice who desperately wanna be well so I feel awful for my feelings but I’m being very honest… Mums anniversary wish had someone spend it with but don’t… I have my beautiful special Susie-Hope but just having someone to talk to physical hug I miss… My mind very tired… I wish could go away for weekend with Susie-Hope as not had break in over ten years think change scenery with Susie-Hope would maybe help or see how my thinking is but can’t afford it so its out question… Thank you for your kind words and support it really does mean so much xxhug to you xx.
Hi. Tray. So you don’t want to get well? The one thing that cuts through my grief and makes me a bit angry is that kind of nonsensical response from a so called ‘professional.’. We have talked about this before on the site. For goodness sake!! Who on earth would want to live in grief and despair and not want to get well. Please don’t let it upset you. Put it down to ignorance and a complete lack of understanding.
Animals can help us a lot. They ask for nothing but love and give it unconditionally. I am sorry to hear your dog has these problems, but she is young and could possibly improve. You are NOT rambling!! I suppose we could all say we ramble, but it’s so good to ramble with those who understand. I will pray for you and your dog and send good wishes winging your way. Please don’t take too much to heart. Some of us are super sensitive at a time like this, and a word out of place can hurt. Blessings and a hug!
Hi Tray, so sorry to hear about your dog. I have two who have been literally my saving grace. If I lost them as well I would be helpless, they are my ‘comfort blanket’. Try the PDSA they do a lot of good for animals if you can’t afford vets bills. Do you have a small rescue centre near you. We have one and if someone can’t afford Vet’s bills they put out an e-mail to members and usually there is a good response and help financially. Don’t know where you are but they are called ‘Friends of the Animals’ and based in the Midlands and Isle of Wight.
Feel your pain at watching someone you love become so ravaged by pain. I nursed my husband single handed and will never forget watching him slowly slip away from me and look and become so confused. That my last memory has to be like this. What I have done is put up photographs of him all around the house. When he was strong and fit and this is how I want to remember him. You will cope, you will struggle but you must be strong for your Mum, she wanted to live and she wan’t you to as well. Bless Pat xxxxx
I understand that pain and just wanting to stay in bed!!! I have it everyday! Those first few secs of reality I don’t think I will ever be without that!.. If didn’t have Susie-Hope my dog I would stay in bed but have to get up because of her… Get awful anxiety first thing morning dread as I call it… I just exist. Can relate to miss havisham from great expectations Charles dickens! As in Time stands still xxx
Thankyou Tray I hope tomorrow is kinder to you let me know if you decide on any flowers the supermarkets do some lovely bedding plants too in my thoughts take care speak soon Adele x
Hi Tray, Thinking of you today. I hope this 3rd anniversary will not be as painful as you anticipated. I am sure you have so many good memories of your Mum and the life you shared. Give Susie-Hope a cuddle and allow her to comfort you, as only our furry friends can do with their unconditional love. You are not alone. The “strangers” on this forum care, and will be here for you. Let us know how the day went. Sister2Xxxx
Hi Tray I hope your okay as can be thinking of you especially on this day as it your lovely mums anniversary in my thoughts and prayers stay strong sending a hug Adele x
Sorry hun thar was meant for Tray hope your okay well as can be in my thoughts take care Adele x
Hi Tray thinking of you today especially as it is your lovely mums anniversary I hope the day is kind to you take care of yourself as much as possible sending you a hug in my thoughts and prayers stay strong Adele x
Thank you means alot… Feeling so alone crying and painfully missing mum rembering last day she passed around 11-pm and remember getting on bed hugging her so thin body and didn’t wanna let go and then coming home to a empty home all alone at 3am then having go back hospice early next day for documents… I’m remembering some painful distressing things more clearer which I’m feeling like can’t cope with… When I start to cry Susie-Hope comes up and cuddles up to me it’s something she has seemed to learnt by herself to do she’s a big dog a rottweiler so big cuddles!.. I’ve written on balloon to release bit later for mum with Susie-Hope by my side as always. Flowers for resting place… I feel so robbed and alone. Its horrible. There’s lot mental health shows at min nadia the cook lady did show on anxiety last night I could really relate to it especially the never feeling rested… It’s horrible feeling. I suffered depression anxiety before mum passed… I think I’m still waiting for her to get back from shops or Dr’s or something… Mum had sad life in past and losing daughter my sister so memories 97%sad she was only 60 which I feel is young nowadays although do know like my sister who passed at 33 and from reading posts on here from people losing babies to 100 year old grief is hell… My mind all over… Got debt letter today saying can turn up at door, no food food bank closed, got health issues that on my mind pain in breast uncomfy lumpy feel and today started bleeding painful when shouldn’t be. Hope not sharing too much!! But it’s on mind in background but mum is constant front of mind but debt, worrying about Susie-Hope needing new hips Susie-Hope means everything to me she’s all I have in the whole world… She’s still lying across me close… I’m thinking even tommorow things will are on my mind like this is time dealing with funeral people, all the paperwork thinking of songs, words, just horrible things… So distressing. My PTSD very high… Mind now thinking around 3pm she had hand massage then was told not long around 4pm I remember that because tipping point was on in background now I hate that show! If flicking through and that comes on I can go from being sad to distressing panic attack I’ve got so many issues in my head… My head feels so ill very ill I’ve reached out for different help but get promised things that never happen! You shouldn’t do that to person feeling low with little hope makes feel worse less trust etc… Am I making sense? Sorry if I’m going on too much!.. Do feel suicidal as wanna b with mum and these images of mum I just getting too tired to cope with my mum was my world we peas in a pod everyone commented on how strong a bond we had and how similar we where loved dogs laughed at silly things together like pic of dog in sunglasses. Mum me knew the simple things in life mean most mum such a wounder caring sensitive soul gentle very loving and the cancer she got osphegous food pipe cancer that had spread was such a cruel way to go alot of pain, constant nausa sickness everyday 24-7 for months! Getting concentration camp thin. So painful so sad. If there is a god I don’t understand him! But I like to believe… That mum somewhere beautiful and pain free and happy waiting for me and Susie-Hope…because been so many deaths the funeral people knew me by first name and said how cruel life had been to mum and me they didn’t regonise mum they told me not to see mum as she looked incredibly poorly, very poorly in dead is what they said… I took her clothes took her these badger slippers from next that she loved and nurses commented on them. Remember the nurses saying to me in hospice you always dress your mum nice in her pj’s and do her hair nice… She always wanted longer hair having short hair all her life and she finally got it to long Bob and then passed… The way told mum hadnt long wasn’t the best… I can’t stop crying now I feel with all debt etc I just don’t wanna be here. Just wanna be with mum xxx
Tray Im so so sorry for your horrendous loss it’s utterly devastating my heart goes out to you as your suffering so much your in my thoughts and prayers im so sorry on top of this you have debt worries you should be entitled to a food bank Tray you must ask my heart is shattered by my loss but Is acheing for you too that is lovely you have a balloon to let go for your amazing mum and I’m so pleased you chose some flowers too like we had mentioned she’d be so proud of you Tray never forget that you were there until the end im the same suffering from the worst flashbacks sheer disbelief makes me tremble get back on to the cpn too Tray you need support hun you really do I hope you get your dogs hips sorted some rescue centres may help look into it and that’s lovely you get cuddles from your lovely dog she letting you know mums cuddling you too that’s lovely and something no one can ever take away Tray that you always made your mum look clean and beautiful in her pj’s and slippers Tray and finally she had long hair you were and will always be her angel as will she yours sweetie im here whenever you need me if not I’ll reply as soon as possible give that balloon a bug kiss Tray your in my thoughts and prayers stay blessed take care of yourself as much as possible speak soon Adele x
Tray make a gps appointment about your breast too please any lump should be checked I know there’s alot to deal with I haven’t even been able to even get out of bed today I’m utterly truamatised but please do Tray for your mum sake and your dogs you have to be fit to look after her I wish i was nearer you I’d send some shopping Tray let me know how you get on with everything please and ring the gps cpn and go to the food bank im the morning my friend s housing officer if your in genuine need you will be given everything you need that’s is there duty of care to you hun please keep me posted and remember kiss that balloon so hard your so bravery Tray hun I know it won’t feel it but you are in my thoughts and prayers stay strong sending a hug speak soon Adele x