Suicidal low scared

Hi all on here so sorry for all who have lost and who feel a world of pain beyond words… I’m badly dyslexic so please excuse grammar and spelling errors… I’m feeling so low scared, crying shaky… Weird distressing flashbacks and like can’t cope. I’m so tired and feel such a let down. I lost my world my mum who I nursed 24/7through a hell battle with terminal cancer… Now all I have left nightmares terrors of real distressing things that happened. I don’t have family support. Have my therapist in fur my dog. I was to take part in a big fundraising walk tonight over 3 thousand walking and I should of been one of them with my therapist in fur dog my new world… But since had first trauma apt a week ago 2days before mothering Sunday I’ve gone done hill in a big way… I feeling suicidal very anxiety high have money debt issues no family just me my dog really. I’ve got ptsd amongst other things and finding existing soo difficult crying shaking as I write finding it hard to type… I feel I’ve let hospice down, lady from bevetement support group down who gonna walk with as she kindly paid my reg fee and outfit for dog. I feel horrible and hate myself angry not able to do it. Medical team said its too high triggering the event and afterwards will be alone and already suicidal but I feel I’ve let them mum down I wanted do it make mum proud with my best friend dog by my side but since trauma apt I’ve felt so distressed anxious extra low highly suicidal. It’s coming up to mum passing in May so also on mind… I just so drained tired feeling this way. Eveynight terrors etc I shake cry I feel angry scared lonely… Hate myself… I miss mum painfully and just wish was with her. So sad scared alone x…

Hello Tray,

I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your mum and that you’re feeling so low, scared and anxious. It sounds as though there have been a couple of events recently that have triggered some difficult and scary feelings for you.

I’m concerned that you’re feeling suicidal and I’d like to encourage you to reach out for some support. You mention that you had a trauma appointment recently - would you be able to reach out to your team for additional support? Otherwise, please get in touch with your GP for an urgent appointment or call the Samaritans on 116 123. If you feel that you’re in danger of hurting yourself, please call 999 or go to A&E immediately.

Tray, please do reach out to one of these services for the care and support you deserve.

Take good care and let me know if there’s anything we can do to support you.

Eleanor

Thank you for your kind reply… I wasn’t able to go to the fundraising walk which I feel awful about!!! Like I’ve let down people who helped, let down loros hospice who walk for and my mum… Lady leader of bereavement support group I go to paid ten pound fee in Feb as my idea to go and I really wanted to and was looking forward to to make mum proud and good cause but that was Feb and two weeks ago had first trauma apt and since then I’ve gone so low I always struggle with mental health issues and PTSd trauma and it’s so much worse since then. I wanted do walk but myself and medical team deemed it potentially too high risk with triggers at this time… The lady who paid fee turned up where I live today and read out letter to me Inc that she disagrees with medical team and me it would of been good of me to go and that she is angry and feels let down by me and now no longer wants involvement… And she confessed her words that she thinks I don’t even want to get better! That kicked me in the heart as I try so, so very hard everyday just to breath and basic function ir just stay alive my mind is kije living hell! No respite. I go to all Dr, hospital, cpn apts engage well with them my GP said that to me only bout month ago… So I thought felt it was such very insensitive and damaging things to say to me… I was so proud of things that done with sorting to home it took alot for me to do that! Just for it to be dismissed… She also said didn’t go to certain place and I said I don’t have petrol for it! Its case of my dog eats or I go to a place that wasn’t even essential she knows I’ve big debt money issues!.. Regarding the walk I feel if I’d said or had kidney infection, bad back and that’s why couldn’t do it that would of been fine. No question asked understood maybe empathy ir something but because mental illness it’s pushed questioned and even told I’m a let down and angry didn’t do it… I don’t have family support. She knows that as does group. The next group is wed but know feel can’t go due to her being leader and also that with me being very honest bout how ill mentally feel etc and what I share (which takes huge mental energy for me to even go!) I can’t do that now as maybe it’s too much uncomfortable for group to hear but at start group she tells everyone let it all out it’s safe space say it and things like that but I feel with things said above how can she have much understanding of mental illness when said such insensitive harlful if honest ignorant comments… I would never say to someone who so low that they letdown and don’t want to get well I feel quite shocked by those words!.. Was suicidal scared beforehand and I really did want to do the walk!!! I’m so frustrated and I’m angry in myself for being so ill. I wanted to do it! I’m gutted heartbroken couldn’t didn’t do it! Maybe yes being round people of loss be good but it’s the triggers there and then after it’s just me no family call or support. Who know if gone could of made me feel proud did it but it was weighed up against going other way and making me more unsafe. That was the risk!.. Now do feel letdown and so hurt by words and I try so hard to be well a min is so hard and she says all she said I’m so hurt and sobbing… Sorry going on. Now feel more scared reaching out for help as feel judged because if what she said… Hope you well sorry

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