Suicidal thoughts after loss

I’ve always been a happy person a really positive person and a competent carer for my mum who had lost recently and have been lonely I’ve always been very busy life has been full when you’re a carer it’s not about you it’s about the needs of the person you are caring for I didn’t go out in cultivate a social life or make friends because not only did I love caring for my mum but I love being with her and then my whole world has disappeared and I really don’t know how I’ve ended up in this place so desperately alone

I face hours and hours of the day and night with only my own desperation to keep me company there anything that keeps me going is my 12-year-old labrador who needs me I wonder what will happen to me if anything happens to her I’ve never felt suicidal it’s just not who I am I don’t even have a history of mental illness I lost my partner 16 years ago my sister 10 years ago and my father 20 years ago my best friend in the world is my dog and my house surrounded by photos all the people that I have loved and lost I try to be positive I try very hard I’ve even gone out volunteered to help people People

It’s not that I want to die it’s just that I don’t wanna wake up in so much pain every day and I want to be with the people that I love

Hi Jdm,

I am so sorry to read about the loss of your Mum and how bad you are feeling. It is a very hard thing when you have cared for someone you love and then they suddenly are no longer there. The time you spent with your Mum must have been so special for both of you, I bet your Mum loved it as much as you. You have also had a horrible time with the loss of your Dad, Sister and Partner. I am glad you have lots of photographs of them to look at. Remembering people in happpier times is very important and the memories associated with the pictures, when they were taken and the occasion.

I am really glad you have your Labrador as dogs are wonderful company. They need walks whatever the weather so are a reason to get up and go out. There are always other people walking their dogs too and a hello and brief chat can make the day feel brighter. The best thing about that is it doesn’t have to be a long conversation and it is on your terms. You can always need to head home to feed your dog, cook your supper etc if it is too much for you

Like you I cared for my Mum. Informally at first when she was still relatively independent and then when she became ill full time. Although I knew she was terminally ill it was still a terrible shock when she passed away. I found it incredibly hard to face life without her and I wished every morning that I hadn’t woken up to another horrible day. I had our elderly cat to keep me company though and he was wonderful until he sadly passed away too.

Gradually, and very slowly it has felt sometimes, I have started feeling better about what has happened. I have accepted the loss of my Mum, I don’t like it though but somehow get through each day. I heard of two cats recently that needed a home so have adopted them and they are a constant joy to me and company which I sorely needed.

What I am trying to say, but not very well, is that the pain does lessen gradually. It becomes almost a numbness I have found. Remember your Mum with love and the happy times you spent together. Keep coming back to this forum if you need help or advice. People here are kind, they do not judge as we have all gone through or are about to the same horrible experience. There is also the online bereavement counselling service which you might find helpful. I have not used this but think it sounds good. The best thing being you don’t have to go out anywhere and if you don’t like it you don’t have to go on.

Take care of yourself mainly. You have gone through an awful lot and now must concentrate on keeping yourself well.

Mel
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I am glad I have this place to come to. I lost my mom two years ago, and I too am alone. it has been a hellish two years. I still think how much easier it would be to be gone from this world. I think like that, too.

I know your feelings. you are not alone in them.

being a single woman, and only child, makes my position harder than most. and I was such good friends with my mom and dad and their loss has made my life an eternal vacuum now.

just know that others understand exactly how you feel.

Hello JDM. Firstly, you have come to the right place. This forum helps me so much and I’m sure it will help you. My heart goes out to you and when I read your post I had to reply to say I’ve been there. I lost my lovely dad suddenly 9 years ago and he had been caring for my mum with dementia - so I became mums carer overnight. We were best friends. I brought mum home to live with me and my husband left me. I’m not able to have children and I remember one morning I had arranged for mum to go to a day Centre. I sat on my bedroom floor alone and distraught and the feeling of loneliness and sheer terror was so great I’ve never forgotten it. I had nobody to help at all. A friend encouraged me to contact the lonely hearts in the local paper - I had never done anything like this before! I met a lovely man who didn’t run away when I said I’m a carer my mum has dementia. Mum suffered 10 years she went into a home as it wasn’t safe at home anymore and the guilt and grief I felt was indescribable. Mum died in the home and I switched off. It’s the anniversary of her death soon she was buried Dec 21st. Xmas will never be the same again for me. The man I met actually stuck by me! I was very lucky. We eventually married. The reason I’m telling you all this is that even when you feel at rock bottom and I’ve been there - there is always hope. Never ever give up hope. I also have my dogs like you as they’re my babies. I force myself to try to carry on an enjoy and make the best of life as I know my mum (and dad) would want that. I’m sure your mum would want that for you too. I miss mum every minute of every day. Caring is hard. It exhausts you and you need time to recover physically. I was numb for a whole year after mum died and couldn’t cry much but I’m slowly thawing out. I avoid facing the grief as I’m afraid of the intensity but you know what - sometimes I sob and it goes on and on and afterwards I do feel a sort of temporary release. You will be ok. Your dog loves and needs you and will bring you great comfort and give unconditional love. There is no better friend than a dog. I’m so glad you have reached out as now you will have friends on here and never feel so alone again. I hope I’ve helped a bit by telling you my story. I know how you feel and the fear. Things will get better. You have made the first step and that’s the hardest so we’ll done. I’m sending a big hug to you X

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