Suicide has taken part of me.

Good Morning everyone.

I’m sorry that you’re all needing to be here, that means you’re probably feeling the same way I do right now. Sending lots of love and hugs :heart:

Where do I begin? Last week one of my closest friends committed suicide. She had been in and out of hospital for a couple of years following a breakdown after her beloved pet died. So it wasn’t completely unexpected but I always hoped she would come out the other side. I raised money whilst she was in hospital to pay for treats for her, everything from makeup to paying for her hair to be done. The day she had her hair done from this was the last time I saw her. Unfortunately this was about a year ago. Truth is I wasn’t able to be there for her much in recent times as my own mental health was suffering following a cancer scare. I keep thinking what if I’d have reached out. What if I’d have been there for her more than I was. Part of me knows it wouldn’t have made a difference because she’d made her mind up long before I took a step back, but I also keep thinking it could have stopped it…

I’m binge eating, barely sleeping, when I do sleep I have dreams about her tw

Ending her life, then last night I had the exact same dream but it was my mum rather than my friend. This has really messed me up, I spent the last 2 days crying but feeling a little more like I was starting to accept it / come to terms with it, but this has knocked me back 10 steps and I’ve spent the morning crying to the point I’ve had to take another day off of work. My husband is understanding but also seems slightly annoyed that I’ve taken another day off (we both are decently paid, it’s crap but it’s not going to make us struggle). He said he felt better for work yesterday however he works with people and I’m in an office alone, and I worry I’d go to work, sit spaced out, or constantly crying, and I don’t think it would be productive both professionally and to my mental health.

I have booked an appointment with my GP but I don’t know if there’s anything there’ll be able to offer thanks to covid. Im already on antidepressants so I’m slightly unsure what would be the next step.

I don’t even know what I’m hoping for by typing this out, I just needed to get it all out somehow. And if someone does happen to see this and is able to reply then it will be an added bonus.

Thank you for reading me babble. Sorry again that you all had to join here too :heart:

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Hi Valiriel
It seems to me that you did all you could at the time to try to help your friend. Sad thing about life is sometimes the struggle that goes on in peoples minds cannot be seen by others and often its white washed over until they feel they cannot take anymore. So much misery in the world does not help those whose minds are to fragile. For some the struggle is to much. Her losing her pet would have been hard. Pets are family and sometimes people on the outside do not see this. But for her it was to much to bear.
You were a good friend indeed and should feel no guilt she just had enough.

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Sorry that you’re feeling like this and that your friend took her own life.

As someone who was suicidal following the death of my husband i know there isn’t much you can do to change someone’s mind. In fact people giving me advice just frustrated me more (they didn’t know I was suicidal but knew I was very depressed/anxious/grief-stricken). The only useful thing I got from people was listening but most people unless they are a paid counsellor will not listen enough to make a difference. It us too tempting to offer advice/cheer up people because truly listening to somebodys pain when there really is no solution is almost unbearable too.

Anyway so what I’m getting at is that probably you couldn’t have helped even if you tried unless you went unbelievably out of your way in a weird way that wouldn’t have been normal (like caging your friend or something!).

I’m sorry your husband isn’t helping, he just wants you to feel better as people don’t know what to do with grief… I’m sorry…

Writing helps me, in fact that’s what ultimately made me decide not to go ahead with killing myself (writing the note). Writing and reading on here is one of the few things that helps for me so I hope it does for you. Sometimes nothing helps though so I wish you well… take care.

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@Valiriel and gang.
I know first hand how this life shattering devastation feels.
My Husband took his own life on 15th Nov.
6 days before my birthday.
He had been suffering with depression for a few years which started after he lost his job.
He was on anti depressants.
But unbeknowst to me he was also hiding serious debt issues caused by gambling.
I never knew until 24 hours after he had passed away i found stacks of unopened letters from credit card companies. Loans. All unpaid.

Lockdown enable him to gamble more, meaning his debts were mounting up.
I never suspected he was a gambler.
I NEVER thought he was suicidal.

I replay our last night together OVER AND OVER.
I should have noticed. I should have done rhis or done that.
Should never have left him on his own.
But he would sit outside on his phone drinking most saturday nights.
My last words to him were make that your last drink and come to bed he said yes i will.
He never did.
The guilt, grief, anger and all the other tidal waves of emotion that flood you are at time unbearable and there have been times myself where i have thought eff this.
Ive had ebough. Im going.
Then the thought of some poor sod finding my body and having to do CPR and be told i had gone is too much to put on another human.
Thats what happened to me.
I woke up at 6.30am he wasnt in bed.
Shot downstairs and found him outside.
He was still warm when i found him.
He must have just slipped away.
I had ro perform CPR until the paramedics arrived.
They worked on him for a few minutes them told me he had gone.
I have flashbacks.
Cant sleep.
The first time i posted on here was gone 2am.
Im so glad i did.
The support has been amazing.
I tell people see the GP.
I have been on antidepressants for years.
The GP has increased my dose and they are the chemical i need to get through each day.
I have also phoned the samaritans.
They were amazing.
Do not suffer in silence.
Talk. Talk talk.
Your friend was desperately poorly.
She just couldnt take anymore.
We lost our precious cat christmas 2019.
Looking back, i think that exacerbated his depression.
He was a very secretive person and you have to remember you cant help someone that doesnt want to be helped.
Hes at peace. Your friend is at peace.
We are the ones left behind to pick up the pieces.
If it takes weeks to pick up one piece, then so be it.
Do not put yourself under any added pressure.
We are all here for each other.
Im grieving for my Husband, best friend and soulmate.
Im also grieving for the loss of our future.
I just live day by day now.
No plans.
Be kind to yourself.
Everyone on here understands.
Take care. Xx

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Hi Valliriel,

I am so happy that you have made an appointment with your GP, please ensure that you go.

My son committed suicide in 2019, when it happened i always asked myself if i could of done more to help him, but the truth is there was no more that i could of done to keep him here. When someone you love commits suicide the feelings that you have are so brutal. What if, and why plus anger all comes into it. People on the outside often donot understand these feelings, but it is not their fault . The feelings and dreams that you are having are normal, but believe me when i tell you will learn to cope with your feelings and the sun will shine again. Please make sure you go to your GP, just talking about it sometimes helps, and please let me assure you that it is not your fault. Sending hugs.

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I totally get you my best friend took her own life last year. I’m struggling as it’s only been 5 months. I can’t give you any advice as I’m in a dark place still but you ever feel down please message me sending love

I am so Torie. I know that it does seem like it, but things will get better. Sometime in the future you will be able to think of your friend and smile. Everything must be in your own time, you will have good days and bad days. Donot feel guilty about the good days and just get through the bad days as best you can. This is your grief, you have to deal with it in your own way. If things seem too bad, please consider seeking help.

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