Hi Alana, I hope you are OK I haven’t heard anything from you. Did you get to your daughters on Sunday, did you force yourself to see friends yesterday. How are you feeling
Didn’t go out for my daughters birthday on Sunday, I was too tearful, but the kids made sure I was fed and watered , by delivering a take away and some wine.
Yesterday my youngest son and myself went to visit my Aunt,who’s 99, we had a really good time I’m pleased to say. She gave me a proper talking to, ‘don’t isolate yourself, go with the natural grief you’re feeling,there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, only you just can’t see it yet, a different way of life is waiting for you, not better or worse just different’ then she lit a cigarette and poured a G&T, she smokes 2 cigarettes and drinks 2 G&Ts every Sunday, but treated herself yesterday because it was a bank holiday, it was good to listen to her.
How did you manage over the weekend ?
I’m really struggling, I just want her back.
We have the vicar coming at 10:30 today to go through the service, everything is moving so fast.
I am going to see Sharon again today at 3PM with some of her close friends.
I just cant see a way forward without her, don’t worry I’m not having thoughts about joining her because I have to look after my boys. But I just cant imagine the next 30 years without her, she was my forever princess.
Whats made it worse is that I was over my eldest sons house last night and his ex wife phoned him who he is having to take to court to get access to his kids, when he told her he couldn’t talk because he was struggling to come terms with his Mum she told him that was 3 weeks ago and be should grow a pair and grow up, how could she say that to my son, I had to be strong for him but when I left I just sat in my car and cried for 10mins for I could drive.
I saw Sharon today and she was in her casket rather than a bed, it hit me like a hammer, I haven’t been able to stop crying or calm down since
I understand completely, that hammer doesn’t hit so often, but when it does it seems to hit harder. It’s a different world for you now, and after Sharon’s funeral it your world will change again. I’m trying to cope and get along with this new life, I’ve forced myself to go out, but my concentration is letting me down, finding it a struggle to stay focussed. I kmow I have to though. I’m trying hard to keep afloat, and and not sink… It’s so difficult x
I’m not sure if I can handle the change, I think today was the realisation of whats happening Im so frightened about facing the future and being so lonely
Richard, you’re already handling the change, you are getting through it. As for the loneliness,that’s one thing I find very difficult. I have been forcing myself to go out, see friends and family and I’m never really alone , but without the most important person being around to share things with is very lonely. We have to adjust, to survive, we have people around us who love and care for us, but there’s no easy way, it’s endurance , we will get there
Thanks Alana Im just feeling so alone and I just want her back
Bad day for me today, just when I thought I was coping, wishful thinking I guess. Exactly 10 weeks he’s been gone, feeling extremely depressed
I’m sorry Alana, its the ups and downs of the emotions that are so hard to deal with.
I’ve cancelled going to see Sharon tomorrow as I thought it wasn’t fair to keep bringing her out, I have written her a note and asked them to put it in her hand.
Its so hard when you think you have things straight in your head and then without warning your back to square one.
Give it some thought about seeing her again, are you sure you’re feeling it’s unfair on her, or maybe unfair on the funeral directors ? … Only you know what’s for the best.
If I had been you’re situation I wouldve gone and visited as often as I could.
I hope your sons are coping. At the moment I’m having a lot of trouble with my son, he’s causing me a lot of upset and trouble, I really don’t need it right now, I know I need to go back to my GP, but I feel like I wasting his time. I hate my life right now !
I’m sure about seeing Sharon I need to give her some dignity, it has been 3 weeks and nature it starting to do its thing. I love her so much that this is not fair on her. I have written a note telling her how much I love her and always will, which the funeral director has put in her hand.
Do you think this is your son struggling with the situation.
You really need to go to the doctors to get some meds, Im sure it will be only a temporary measure but it will hopefully help you to deal with your son without being completely on edge and will hopefully give you the mental energy you need.
Speak to your doctor about getting him somebody to talk to who is independent.
I know how hard it is, and as difficult as it may seem from his behaviour he does need his mum.
Good luck and please feel free to off load on me whenever you like, I know this might sound strange but it helps me.
I understand about nature taking its course, so I’m sure you’re decision is the right one. I think my son is dealing with things, he’s looking for someone to blame, and I’m in the direct firing line, and while he’s taking aim at me he’s coping , but I’m his mum, and my way of dealing with it , is to try and let it go over my head, but today he was particularly nasty, and I wasn’t in the frame of mind to deal with it, still tomorrow’s another day into the future, so let’s see what that brings.
And I think this is such a good site for being able to express ourselves, especially those like you and me, and I think the anonymity helps so much x
I’ve had a real rollercoaster of a day today, even my boys have told me to slow down, I’ve been going through paperwork, Sharon even kept all the receipts going back to 2006 even if it was just for a pint of milk I have so far got 7 bags of paper . I have however found a lot of photos which is surprising because Sharon didn’t like having a picture taken. I have been able to put some of them in frames and put them around the house . I have been to a local Jewellers today to buy silver necklace so that I am able to wear Sharon’s wedding ring around my neck . When I first went through the photos I just couldn’t stop crying it was so upsetting to see those memories and the fact that new ones wont be made, but by the end of the day I was able to say goodbye and say see you tomorrow to the pictures.
Has your son calmed down at all or is he still angry today, it must be difficult for you to deal with Your own emotions as well as your sons.
I am going to try and travel to a popular town around 15 miles away tomorrow to buy something by myself as it is a location we always went to together .
Today I decided to go and buy some frames to put pics of us both in, so I did… Then got home and found they was all the wrong size, resulted in mega breakdown !
As for my son, well you can cut the atmosphere with a knife in my house right now, it’s very depressing all round. I think he regrets his attitude towards me, but I have to put him first, I guess it’s maternal instinct kicking in. To be honest , I’m thoroughly pissed off with everything and everyone. I don’t know if I’m coming or going. I’m trying to be ‘normal’ do ‘normal’ things , which means I end up going out spending £ I can’t afford, just to feel occupied, purposeful, then I get back home , and sit here , just thinking what’s next.
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I know its a cliche but I think trying to be busy does help the difficult thing is we did everything together I’m not sure what to do to keep busy which is why I think I’m just going full speed and trying to sort out all the paperwork as I don’t know what else to do . Like I said before I’m going to attempt the shopping trip tomorrow and we’ll see how it goes . Have you made that doctor’s appointment for yourself as I think it’s very important you do for both you and your son but then I think I’ll be the same as you it’s so easy to give other people advice isn’t it but we just don’t want to listen ourselves
I’m just sick of it all, sick of the loneliness the evenings bring, the daytime isn’t so bad as I can escape, but the nights are terrible, I really don’t want to be on my own at night time, just being able to watch what I want on tv is strange. Sometimes I’m really angry with him for what he done and the aftermath he’s left behind. I death, just as in life, he’s left me clear up after him !
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Its the nights I dread the most, its the cuddles I miss more than anything and even driving around by myself is so hard, my solo shopping trip yesterday was horrible, I did manage to get what I needed.
I realised yesterday that this will be the first Time In my life I have lived alone as I met Sharon when I was 22 and still living with parents then a year later we moved intogether and we have lived together for the following 24 years
so this will be the first time alone and I am dreading it.
I know what you mean about nights, I’m sitting here now just thinking its 11 weeks exactly, and almost the the minute that he told me what he’d done. Every Sunday evening through to Thursday evening, I re-live the event. Yet I cope Friday and Saturdays , I must be truly mad !
Last night I went out with friends, the more sensitive ones, and I enjoyed it , talking about him, laughing about the times we shared, It made me sad but happy, then I had to come home to an empty house, it’s hard , but no choice.
Have you stayed at your own place yet ?
Not yet, the funeral is this Thursday which is a month to the day she passed. In my head I’m going to Move back Friday or Saturday, friends are going to stay over the first night to make sure I’m OK.
It’s weird because she used to wake me up with incredible snoring, now I cant sleep without it, I miss cuddling her back at night. I’m a complete mess each morning, the start of my day consists of sitting on the toilet and crying.
Everyone tells me to be kind to myself - what does that even mean.
I am so scared about Thursday, I even visited the crematorium yesterday to know what to expect.
I just want her back and I cant see a way forward, I keep listening to her favourite songs and looking through our wedding album.
Im so lonely it hurts.