I know Sharon’s funeral is on the 12th, I’ve remembered the date ever since you posted when it was, and I will be thinking of you both. For me, his funeral sort of drew a line under things, closure on the events, for me that was the start of a different way of life… One day at a time, but you will get there x
Thanks Alana speaking to you really helps, only someone that understands would say they will be thinking of us both, so thankyou so much.
And as for the listening to her favourite songs, I know that it’s heart breaking, I listen to his even though I hated his choice of music. He always asked me to listen to Cold Play ‘Fix you’ , I only ever heard it, never listened to the words. But the day after he died I listened to the words, it absolutely broke my heart, they were so relevant, and I feel guilty for not listening before as maybe his was trying to tell me something through the song, Now the words are embedded in my mind. I had it played at his funeral.
But there was some music we both liked, and now I listen to that,and remember the times we’d dance around the sitting room to it, and lately I’ve realised I’m singing along to it. I like to think that wherever he is he’s having an influence.
I’ve got a little shrine to him next to the bed, his photo, his lighter and glasses , also a little candle , which I light every night , and kiss his photo every night and tell him how much I love and miss him, and sometimes I tell him how bloody angry I am with him, but t still kiss the photo, that might all sound silly but it helps x
Is doesn’t sound silly at all, I am going to turn Sharon’s little home office into a little memory room with her favourite chair and books and I can sit in the room to be with her.
You’re doing well Richard, every little thing you’re doing is a positive In a very negative situation, though I doubt you’ll see it as such, you ARE dealing with it. And I believe that is what Sharon would want for you, and you are staying strong for her, even though it’s through tears and heartache, you are still her strength, and she is yours x
Thanks that helps x
Bad day today, I have written what I want to say on Thursday, I had to write it down because I will not remember on the day.
Now I’m riddled with guilt that I must have let her down, what did I do to drive her to this, I loved her more than anything in the world, so what did I do wrong, she told me she loved me so much each day. Im so confused
I understand the guilty feeling, and you’ve just got to go with it till it passes and it will.
As for the ‘what did I do to drive her to this’ ? … You didn’t do anything, the same as I didn’t do anything, it’s tough having to accept their choices, but we have to, because we have to carry on living. I found it very difficult ,as my partner survived 3 days after he overdosed, he was up and about , talking, and kept saying if he pulls through, he’d would change his lifestyle, and there would be better times ahead for us and how much he loved me.
I witnessed his whole demise. I wish he had just passed away painlessly within a few hours, and not lived to regret his actions and the pain he was in as his major organs slowly shut down ,that for me feels impossible to live with, but I do, I carry on, just as he would want me to do. I think you will find some closure after Thursday, and the grief will change , not get any easier yet, but it will change, and the confusion will work itself out, as you very slowly come to terms with your different way of life.
I wish I could say some words of comfort, I’ve had so many, but as you know , no words are comforting at this time. So I’m sending you words and thoughts of encouragement and strength to help you cope on Thursday and beyond.x
Thanks Alana, I can not imagine what you went through, I try to take comfort that Sharon’s overdose was quick and painless, I pray the inquest confirms this. Its just so difficult to accept as we were both in love with each other and I just wish I saw a sign or anything, I spent the entire day today sat in her home office just stareing at the walls
It’s a tough time leading up to the funeral, I had to wait 7 weeks, it was torturous, except for the day of the funeral . I woke up feeling extremely calm, I even played music while I was getting ready, and for some reason I felt I had to look my best for him, and made a big effort to do so, I never looked like a ‘grieving widow’. I got strength from somewhere, I think it was believing that is how he wanted me to be that day. I think Sharon would feel the same for you too. Be strong for her, as you will gain strength from her too.
Your completely right about what Sharon would want me to be like, I just hope I make her proud
You will make her proud, sorry not been communicating just been struggling. You will find the strength as Alana said I remember standing up and saying my speech knowing this was my last mark of respect. Sending you both a big hug xx
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Had a really bad night, I couldn’t stop sobbing and thinking of all the pain that Sharon went through with her back, and I cant imagine Growing old without her by my side, I miss the hugs and cuddles so much.
I guess my emotions are on edge because of the upcoming funeral and I don’t want to say goodbye, I feel so lost
you’re probably overwhelmed right now with everything, but it will pass, try and stay focussed. Like I said yesterday, the lead up to the funeral is awful, but you will manage, I think we all have hidden inner strength we are not consciously aware of until it kicks in and carries us through. You will deal with this.
The anxiety leading up to his funeral made the pain of my loss feel worse, once the funeral was done, the anxiety subsided very quickly, which helped. One day at a time, you will get through this for Sharon x
Thank you Alana, I just miss her so much.
Had another really bad day, been pineing for Sharon all day, I’m missing her so much, I know its because the funeral is close and makes it feel so final, but I cant believe shes actually gone, I’m feeling so lost and lonely, ive spent the day looking at pictures of her and talking to her.
Sorry for being selfish, how has your day been, how is your son coping today and did you get to see your doctor, any luck speeding up your counciling appointment (sorry so many questions)
My son is ok, my GP is a waste of time, the bereavement service acknowledged my referral and will be contacting me sometime in the future once they have assessed the form I filled in about my partners suicide, how, when etc. Although they did send a pamphlet offering art and decoupage therapy, and classes learning to cook for one, which I ripped up, as art and decoupage is not my thing, I have no desire or need to cut out pictures and stick them onto something, I also struggle to draw pin men, and I’m quite capable of halving ingredients for for a recipe !
And you’re not being selfish at all, selfish would be not sharing how you’re feeling and bottling it up. And it’s going to be very very hard between now and Thursday, reality is hitting hard, the pain is indescribable, but through all your hurt and pining, and wanting Sharon back, you are going to get through it, don’t try and stop the tears, they are what will get you through this. X
It’s so sad that you understand, I feel like I’m being torn apart and feel like I’m having a panic attack, I am going to take diazepam tonight. I hope that this feeling of sheer panic will pass after Thursday, I know I will always miss her but I’m really struggling with these current emotions
They’re unknown unimaginable most painful emotions you’re experiencing, as well as painful I found them very frightening and nerve wrecking too. Nothing could keep my mind focussed, so I know exactly where you’re coming from, hopefully once the diazepam kicks in you’ll settle a little bit and become a tiny bit more focussed about Thursday. I totally understand the ‘panic attack’ feeling , it’s relentless.
But I promise you, that unconscious strength and resolve will surface and get you through it, and I hope in the days to come after Thursday, your grief will change, I can’t say lessen, but will change. X
Thanks x