Thanks Alana, I hope your right at the moment I just want Sharon back so desperately
I want my partner back too, it’s very hard, thankfully tonight I’m feeling numb, but it does help to share thoughts and feelings. No doubt when I go to bed I’ll start crying again, wake up in the morning at start the staring into space shift, when the tears flow till I’m almost dehydrated, as much as we can write how we feel, there a really no words
Went to doctors yesterday because I’m not sleeping. I took 2 diazepam at 11PM and slept till 2am took another 2 and slept to 4ish. Now I am feeling groggy and feeling guilty for getting some sleep. I’m also so anxious my heartrate is close to 200bpm so I been put on betablockers and my doctor told me to try and be kind to myself HOW DO YOU DO THAT.
Iplease don’t feel guilty about sleeping , it’s our bodies way of healing us, helping us to cope, especially mentally and emotionally, after all we’ve got a lot of grieving to do.
As for the guilt, it’s par for the course, but after the shock begins to subside, I found that the intensity of confusion and guilt began ease a little bit.
As for being kind to yourself, well that’s a difficult thing right now when you’re all consumed with grief, because the last thing you think about is yourself.
It’s a long and lonely road ahead we have to walk, but sharing on here helps so much, it does for me anyway.
Perhaps everyone who reads this reply, that at 9pm tonight we all make a cuppa and shareon here how our day has been, might not be much help, but better than nothing x
Hi Sheila , I’m so sorry for your loss, I can’t begin to imagine what it must be like to lose someone after so many years together.
If you read my latest reply to Richard H, where I suggested maybe we all make a cuppa and have a chat / reply to messages on here at 9pm… Just a thought
Take care X x
I think thats a brilliant idea of Alana’s to just write about our days at 9PM, and your right it does help to discuss with people who know what it is like.
I’m glad I joined the forum.
Big thank you Alana
9pm as arranged , hope you’ve got a cuppa on the go, how has your day been ?
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I’ve had such extreme emotions today, I thought at one point that I had it reconciled that Sharon was no longer in pain and that she would not be able to deteriate further, and the next minute I’m in floods of tears because I want her back
Had friends around today discussing what she was going to do for her husbands 50th, all I could think about was that Sharon would not see her 50th in June
So hard to accept any loss and it will be bumpy; today I was talking to a colleague who lost her mum just after me and her grief and what she was dealing with made me look at myself as not being in such a bad place and I felt my own situation not so sorry for myself. So I do think sharing and talking does help us.
I agree is does help to just write it down on this forum, I’m glad I found this forum but its so unfair that I had to look in the first place.
Unfortunately people do not understand what it is like to lose someone to suicide. You go through all these different emotions in one day not knowing how you deal with the Next. The first of everything is difficult and extremely painful.
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I have to go and formally identify Sharon tomorrow at 2PM. I haven’t seen her since I kissed her goodbye before work last Monday morning. I’m so scared and frightened to see her as I don’t want to accept she’s gone
My partner would have been 50 on June 12th , we shared the same birthday,
as for the roller coaster of emotions, I know exactly what you’re feeling, the intensity of each emotion, , then at some point during the roller coaster I felt almost resigned , indifferent, accepting even of what had happened, I think the the latter emotions are some kind of built in mechanism to cope with the more emotional feelings, well that’s how I think it is for me,
My day has been a ‘blank day’ just went through the usual routine, but I did make myself go out, which helped a little, but I was glad to get home x
Everything reminds you of what you don’t have any more and what won’t happen. It’s so hard hearing and seeing people doing the normal things and it does make you angry, sad and I suppose lonely. I wish some magic words or things that would help but unfortunately the grief has to happen
I can’t imagine to begin how you’re feeling about tomorrow,I’m so sorry Richard, I hope you have support, I will be thinking of you, and sending love and thoughts to you X
A friend asked me what I did today and I said that I went home and was looking at Sharon’s things that were still just lying around where she left them and that I couldn’t stop crying. She told me that I was going to have to ‘de-Sharon the house’ I know they think there helping but she might have well hit me with a sledge hammer instead.
Extremely insensitive, that’s got to be even worse than the ‘you’ve got to pull yourself together’ cliche,
Thanks Alana, I know you have already Said this yourself but it really is good to be able to talk to people who are also having to go through this absolutely terrible time, its good to know we are not alone even though we all wish no one had to go through this.
You do what is right for you, it has been 20 months since my partner died of suicide and I still can’t deal with his things. People just don’t understand
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