My sons father took his own life at the start of december he was found and emergency services worked on him for a long time until they hot a tiny pulse and rushed him straight to hospital. He ended up with severe brain damage and died 4 days later. We where together for 7 years and seperated for 5 but i never stopped loving him. Those 4 days he was in intensive care i got to spend every minute with him. my son wasnt aloud to see him as the doctors said it would terrify him. In some way im angry that they took away the chance for my son to say goodbye whilst his father was still here on the other hand it could have traumatised my son like the doctors said. My sons 10 he loved his father very much the last 3 years his fathers mental health faltered. He turned to drugs and my son seen less of him. My son ached for his father to get better. When his father was in hospital i made sure to be there everyday to tell him my son loved him very much. I am extremely close with my sons fathers family. I am apart of theirs and they are apart of mine. My son isnt coping well with the loss of his father its hard to watch him deal with his grief while i try hide mines. Hes getting help tho support services where really fast i am so greatful for them. With my own grief i dont know how to express it. My family and his know i loved him deeply always have and always will. But my friends they dont understand. Im scared to show my grief to them for i dont think i could cope with their comments and judgement anymore. One friend said “sure he was barely around the last few years you will be ok” another said " youve been seperated for years what are you crying for" i know they sound mean i understand where they are coming from. They dont understand how i was still inlove with someone who left us. Everyday since hes died ive woke with this horrid feeling of loneliness. I miss him so much miss the man he was before he became ill. So many what if’s so many regrets. People say you can feel your loved ones near you when they pass. I feel nothing. I wish i could feel him, have some wee sign hes ok hes happy now and hes watching over our son. But i dont feel anything just this loneliness. I never settled down after we split but never did i ever feel lonely. In the back of my mind i always thought we’d work it out. Hed get better and we could go from there. Now that thought has been ripped away from me and my hearts broke all over again. I just dont know what to do. Supporting my son is my number one priority but this loneliness is eating me up.
I’m so very sorry to hear that your son’s father took his own life at the beginning of December. This must be such a difficult time for you as you’re looking after your son, whilst trying to cope with your own grief.
Others in this community have talked about how friends and family sometimes don’t understand grief in circumstances where there has been a separation. You’re not alone here and members of this community will understand what you’re experiencing.
Whilst you’re waiting for some supportive replies from community users I’d like to point you towards an article on the What’s Your Grief website. This article is about disenfranchised grief and sounds like what you’re experiencing: https://whatsyourgrief.com/disenfranchised-grief/
I hope you find some comfort in talking to us in this community. If there’s anything I can do to support you please do let me know.