Summer sunshine and grief

So as I sit on the beach listening the soft dull waves wash against the shoreline in the brilliant sunshine trying to come to terms with my new normal and the loss of robbie.
It’s been 12 weeks and I still feel like I am going around in circles. The thought of feeling like this for ever scares me. The grief nightmares the waves of sudden saddeness and emotion.
He had a brain tumour removed 2 years ago and was doing so well and an mri last November was all looking good. This year he started having mini seizures we just thought they needed to adjust his medication, by Easter he had bigger fits two weeks apart. The mri showed some changes, we saw a consultant on April 22nd and found out his brain cancer had returned. Devistatly it was larger and eggressive and non treatable our world fell apart as we know it. Robbie passed away 10 days later.
We had no time to except or plan, we cryed and cuddled everyday but I didn’t exspect it so soon. He had a seziure that evening and when I woke up at 3am he in was in a coma. He died at 4.15am.
I am grateful he had no clue and didn’t t suffer and we had the best life together.
But my god I question Where is he now, how will I ever be me again, how will I ever do the rest of my Life with out his Love, effection, gorgeous smile and infectious laugh. We had so many plans and dreams and he was my happy ever after. Its his 40 thbirthday next week I just keep question. Why this happened to us and me.

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I can relate to what you’re saying. I’m so sorry that you’re on this journey too. My husband was 50, went out for a run and never came back. We’re still waiting to find out why 4 months later.
It may be worth trying counselling - I’m having some - and talk to your GP, mine was very supportive as had gone through a similar loss.
I try to keep going for my children but, like you say, it’s hard to think about however long we have left without the love and support of someone who was so special and knew us so well. I often have times when something is difficult or new and I just think that I don’t have the strength to keep on doing this. People say don’t think about the future just focus on getting through each day but I hope that gets better as I don’t want of future of just ‘getting through each day’. Sending hugs


I was under the doctor and had councilling for a while but maybe I should have some more. That’s for taking the time to reply.

Hi DoubleD, I am so so sorry for your loss. 40 is such a young age. My husband died on 13th February 2021 from lung cancer - he was only 51. My life feels so empty now without him. We found eachother late in life and the 27th August would have been our 5th wedding anniversary. Jason had a gorgeous smile and laugh and words cannot describe how much I miss him. I have had counselling too but nothing will ever bring him back. I talk to him every day and visit his grave almost every day. People say “The good die young” and that is a phrase that I have never understood. We had so many plans for the future and loved eachother so very much.
I am always here if you need to talk at all. Sending big hugs to you xxx

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Losing somebody at any time in your life is devastating. When they are young it seems doubly hard to me. My husband was 60, a young at heart 60 and a real people person. If we had managed to hit old age together I think I could have taken comfort in that fact I wouldn’t of had many more years myself before I was able to join him. …… sadly I now face the prospect of possibly 20 years plus.
I’ve been very tearful these last few weeks, I feel I have gone backwards in my grief. I’m sad for me, sad that our future is not to be and especially sad that my husband so deserved to be here still. I would still to this day swop places with him in a heart beat. :broken_heart:

My thoughts are with you

Hi Dee64
I have many tearful days too. Sometimes I think I am getting better and then I go straight back down again. No-one ever prepares you for the grief of losing someone you love so dearly. I lost my dad about 13 years ago now and that pain was totally different to the pain I am going through losing my beloved husband. 60 is no age either and I feel the same as you, that I have so many years ahead without him. It was awful watching Jason suffer the way he did and like you, I would have rather it was me than him.
My thoughts are with you too xx

Your thoughts echo mine. My husband had only just turned 60 when he died. Less than a dozen grey hairs and a full head of hair at that. His best friend always tells me how envious he was of my husband’s hair, youthful looks and big smile. He lit up a room as soon as he entered. It frightens me that I may have another 15-20 years of this ‘non-life’ without him.

Like you, I don’t know who I’m more sad for, my husband because he deserved to be here to enjoy his retirement and see his kids graduate or me because my retirement can’t be anything like I hoped without him by my side. He was only 50 and it happened so suddenly (still don’t know why) - no goodbye.

I lost my dad 10 years ago and like you say, it is very different to losing your soulmate and everything in your future being shattered. Sending hugs

I have to ask and this may sound bizarre, weird even!! I haven’t removed any photos of my husband that are around the house but I struggle to look at them. It’s like I see this smiling happy fit looking person and wonder why he’s not here anymore…… even though I know why he’s not here!
Our home doesn’t feel like a home anymore, it’s just a house and memories that we made together don’t bring me any comfort, they just make me crave for more ……. Does anyone else feel like this? I could scream some days with the constant battle of thoughts and emotions.
I don’t scream because if I did I’m not sure I would stop :pensive:

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My mind wanders wherever I am - whether there are photos or not. I just can’t find any joy in anything as I should be sharing it with him. Take care

Dear Dee64

Our daughter made us put up family photos when we first moved into the bungalow four years ago. I walk past photos of my wonderful husband a hundred times a day but cannot bring myself to look at them for the past few months although I do reach out and touch the pictures. I can honestly say I have screamed and called his name until I could no longer stand hoping that it might change my situation. I don’t want to live a life that is only memories. I so desperately need him here to make new memories but that will never be.

In 2012 we went to New Zealand for our 30th wedding anniversary and went on a sailing trip which was filmed by the boat owner. It is on Youtube and the past couple of days I have been watching it. My husband so full of life, smiling, happy, alive. How am I supposed to continue on with this life without him I just do not have a clue and really do not want to. But for our kids I will have to endure lonely, painful times ahead.

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Dear Sheila26

I long to feel happier in my heart but I worry that it would mean I am moving a step further away from my life I had with my husband.

I really don’t know how to cope with this misery. I feel I am constantly repeating myself when I talk about my grief, almost as though by doing so it will encourage him to walk back through the door.

I want to wake up from this nightmares or not wake up at all.

Take care

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Dear Dee64

I fully understand and have had the same thoughts over the last 11 months. As the first anniversary approaches I can feel the stress levels rising. My head is completely gone. I misplace the same item over and over again, I forget things constantly. I really cannot function and I dread the actual day one year on since the crash.

It is noticeable that I still only have the small support group that have stayed with me since that day, others including family have fallen by the wayside at my greatest time of need. I do not want my husband to be forgotten but am reluctant to place a memory in the paper because those who have been noticeably absent for months I am sure will jump in and leave comments and the thought of that really upsets me because where have they been all the times when I have been desperate for support. I have even discussed this with my counsellor because not sure how I will react if I am being honest.

We have two beautiful grandsons - one born after my husband’s death - and they do bring joy and I am sure that they will continue to bring joy. But happiness for me personally has disappeared.

Take care.

Dear Sheila

Thank you. I have read many of your posts and like you I am have started to learn how to do little jobs around the house etc. I have a life that I do not want and never asked for.

I am sitting here crying as I do every morning without my husband. The boiler has decided to play up again and have rang the engineers who are coming out but not until next week. I overthink and get anxious about everything now so worry in case the leak becomes something much bigger. Life is now just a mess and constant worry. I just hope that I do not have years ahead like this as cannot cope with minor issues now my husband is not with me.

Take care.

Dear Sheila

I booked a cottage in July for myself and our kids and grandkids. It was just the one week but it was in a lovely setting and we scattered my husband’s ashes on the remote beach which is accessed over the farm land we were staying on. I have booked it again for next year for all of us to be together with the exception of the one person we all so desperately miss.

I have just got another quote for the garage and house roof today. We will just have to see if the price is alright and if they turn up as I have had constant disappointments since February. This roofer also came recommended so fingers crossed.

Take care and hope that you enjoy your time in Scotland.

Sheila x

Hi Sheila,

Your holiday sounds lovely. I am taking my mum and mother-in-law away next May to a lovely place in Dorset that myself and Jason fell in love with. I dont know how I will be when I get there though.
I know what you mean about having to learn about little jobs round the house, I am the same in my flat.
Take care and I am always around for a chat if you need to.
Clair xx

Dear Sheila

Sorry lost my original message I was putting together! So here goes again.

The places that I can visit or not visit are random with no logical explanation. Whilst we were away me and the family revisited many places that we had spent time as a family years prior but then it came to one particular place and I could just not get out of the car. A few days later they took me back and I managed to walk around the place and we had fish and chips but all the time I was thinking of the times me and my husband had sat in the same place and done the same thing. It was a very lonely walk back to the car and not sure that I will go back.

Your house clearly holds so many precious memories. Did you ever get someone to do the garden for you?

Me and husband loved to go out in the car and then stop for afternoon tea. I have tried it only once on my own and it was a very lonely place and not an enjoyable experience if I am being honest. Our kids prefer fast-food outlets so I doubt I will ever be having that experience with them, although our daughter may be more inclined to come along with me the next time she is up North.

Like you I truly believe that my heart will not stop hurting until I am reunited with my husband.

Take care.

Dear Sheila

I would have done the same with the hose I have to say. Our hose just keeps disconnecting from the tap and then floods the garage. Every Thursday I have our eldest grandson so like yourself I was trying to give myself a breather today to recharge the batteries to look after him but got a call from his mam and had to go round. Our son keeps hinting for me to take both overnight but I do not trust myselfI at the moment and they are both under 24 months. If my husband was still here there would be no question, in fact I think he would have moved them in, but not at the moment.

Take care.

Our favourite place was New Quay in Wales where Jason saw his first dolphins. I would love to go back but dont feet I could without him.