Hello, I am a new user of the site and joined to get advice.
My two sons (19 and 15) lost their dad on Monday morning. My eldest son was living with him and found him. There will be a postmortem as it was completely unexpected. We were married for a long time but had separated 7 years ago. We generally had a good relationship as exes - we didn’t see each other much but spoke if we needed to and my children knew we would be there for each other if there was a problem and that we weren’t bitter about the break up.
We have managed ok for the last few days and are checking in on each other and saying we’re fine. I will be more fine than them as they’ve lost their dad at a young age. I am grieving for him but also for what my sons have lost and how much they’ll miss him. We have good support. Both boys say it hasn’t hit them yet and it doesn’t seem real.
We are talking quite a lot a lot about their dad and starting to talk about preferences for the funeral etc but very slowly.
Does anyone have any advice that isn’t obvious but could really help me help them deal with this in the short, medium and long term? I lost my dad as an adult and was surprised at the depth of grief. Losing their dad as teenagers is very different and much harder in so many ways.
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing about you and your sons’ loss. I’m so sorry to hear about your ex-husband. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support. In the meantime, you may wish to look at these resources which might be helpful.
Winston’s Wish provides grief and bereavement support for children and young people (up to 25) after the death of someone important. They have a helpline that you can call free on 08088 020 021 between 8am-8pm, weekdays. They also have a live chat feature on their website. - https://winstonswish.org/
Child Bereavement UK supports bereaved children, young people and families through grief. They have in-person and online support groups. The also have a free helpline on 0800 02 888 40, or you can email helpline@childbereavementuk.org. - www.childbereavementuk.org
I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
I’m so sorry for what you and they are going through.
I lost my father when I was still a child, and one thing that helped me then was my mother took my brother and I into her confidence a little bit to explain about the practical aspects of the future. She made it clear that the buck stopped with her and we didn’t need to feel responsible because she was responsible, but she told us she would tell us if there were big changes that needed to be made (for example it wasn’t immediately clear that we could keep our home) and make sure we were involved and informed about what was going to happen next. Looking back that helped me a lot because so much had changed so suddenly and knowing that I would be involved and consulted about any further changes was reassuring. Had she not done that, I think I would’ve worried more about what was going to happen next. She also tried to ensure that normal family traditions and events continued, e.g. we continued to go to the same place we had always gone on holiday which we loved, and this continuation helped give us a sense of stability. I pass that on in case it is of any use. J
Thank you so much @Tryingtokeepgoing, that makes alot of sense and I’ll definitely use it.
I am sorry for the loss of your dad as a child and I’m glad your mum was so wise xx