Hi
I’m new here, and apologies if what I am writing is repeated here a number of times, but its all a whirlwind and fresh to me at the moment.
I lost my mum 2 weeks ago today to COPD, mum was a real fighter for 10 years, but the last 4 at end stage COPD has taken its toll.
It sounds odd saying this but given the false alarms and being on DEFCON5 for the past 4 years where you expect the worse and being told by doctors your mum has 2 months left to live, only to find mum but battles on, seems to have somehow cushion the blow to me.
Where my mind was 100% focused on my mums wellbeing, its now shifted to my Dad who is 80yrs old, was mums sole carer (we tried to get help in and care support but they were dead against it)
I have only one brother who lives 3 hours away, whereas I live 10 mins from dad. My mum came from large family all local to us who have all been absolutely amazing
Where I am struggling and need advise is my brother has a view that between myself and him, we can look after dad between us and he stays with us. But dad doesn’t want to sell his house, but equally doesn’t show any sign of wanting to go home.
I feel really selfish saying this but when I am with my dad he goes into deep conversations about mum, and I am acting as a shoulder for him, and I feel guilty that I only get to mourn and think about mum when I am not around dad. And I need space as well to process my loss of mum and to understand how best to support Dad.
Dad has not been home for 3 weeks now, I don’t know how to have a conversation with dad without it sounding like I trying to get him to move on or looking like I am trying to push him into a direction he isn’t ready for, but equally he knows if he doesn’t go home soon and face the house he will just keep putting it off.
I am here for him, and we talk but I need to understand if I need to delicately manage what my brother might be saying to dad when I am not around versus reassuring my dad I am here but we need to get into some simple start of a routine.
My mum managed my dad and literally ran his life, she was his engine and I feel I need to take on a bit of my mum, and tough love, but I cant bear to be like this at this moment.
Has anyone else had a parent live with them after loosing a parent, how do you begin to introduce them back to their home and what does this look like, short and long term, what support did you put in place?