Supporting my mum

General chat
#1

I just wanted to ask how others have/are dealing with giving support to someone who has lost a loved one? We lost my stepdad in March, I’ve been the primary support for my mum (with my brother as executor and not so much support).

I would always help & support my mum, without fail, but I feel a little like she’s using me as her emotional crutch. I’ve found it quite hard at times, emotionally draining and almost forgetting I’ve had to grieve also. My mums gone away for a month to her holiday home, which is great, with her friend (who owns the house next door there). I’ve told her to think about the good times they had there.

I’d appreciate any thoughts from any others supporting loved ones. I don’t always want to go to mums and then I feel guilty.

#2

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve lost your stepdad, and that you are finding it tough supporting your mum. Losing a spouse leaves a huge hole in someone’s life, so it is understandable that her grief is intense. However, if you are her sole source of emotional support, that can be a lot for you to deal with as well.

Do you think that your mum would be open bereavement counselling, or joining a support group? It might be good for her to have an additional form of support.

You are grieving too, and it’s important for you to make sure that you have some support for yourself. Do you have other family or friends that you can talk to? Having outlets for your own feelings may help you feel a little better equipped to support your mum.

You might be interested to read and reply to this recent post by Roseybloom, who is also worried about how to support her mum after losing her dad: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-bereavement/lost-my-dad-4-weeks-ago-kidney-cancer

Or check out more of the recent conversations in the Losing a Parent section of the site: https://support.sueryder.org/community/losing-parent

Cruse Bereavement also has some advice on supporting someone with a bereavement: https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-help/about-grief/how-to-help-someone-bereaved

#3

Thank you. Yes, I can see how hard it is for her. She was his carer for the last 3 yrs so she’s feeling the big void. I’ll reach out to Becky, thank you. I am lucky in that I do have a good support group as well. It’s just a long Road I guess. My poor dad lost his wife a year and s half ago too!

#4

I understand where ur coming from. Even though I had lost my mim, I was trying to be so strong for my dad. Little did I know, he told me that he was trying to do the same for us. The best thing to do is to tell ur mum how ur feeling. Chances are, shes feeling the exact same way.

#5

Hiya, yes, I think that’s a good idea. I thought my mum would be a bit stronger, but she’s not coping like I thought she would, infact even she’s been quite surprised at how it’s hit her. I guess you don’t know how you’ll react until it happens.

How are you both doing?

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