Julieann, there are no words that are comforting, and unfortunately people do not understand what we all go through unless they have lost their partner. I lost my wife suddenly, and unexpectedly last year. My 1 year anniversary was on Monday this week. I was able to get together with some of my family that day and on the previous day 18 of us got together at the grave to remember Mary and her mum and dad - and many others lost over time.
My 20 strong close family, children, partners and grand kids, all live within 3 miles of me, one family literally next door. I’ve also friends that I see regularly. But that comment you mentioned is just so true, and I am often most lonely during the weekday daytimes, as everyone is either at work or school, or in the evenings when of course my children want to be with their own families. But we do get together a lot.
We did all have a Christmas get together last year, as Mary loved all that and I know she wouldn’t have wanted us not to go ahead, as planned, mainly for the 11 grand kids. I even wrapped and opened presents Mary had bought for me. This year will be different as the children will be going to their respective other parents. (Mary and I had two children each from previous marriages) and we’ll have smaller family groups on Boxing Day and New year too as some are on holiday over that period.
We did all have a good Christmas last year - we all made sure of that - even though there was sadness too. I felt very lost and alone at times. (Queue the tears here now!) Like you, Mary and I have been a huge part of our grand kids lives, looking after them daily from a very early age. My eldest is now 23 and the youngest 11! I’m still involved with them on a daily basis. I won’t say it will be easy, as I very much doubt it will be, but with the support of your children and seeing the grand children having fun, I’m sure you can get through Christmas together.
I now have really happy days - I get out to shows a lot and have meals out too, trying to get a more normal life back however I can. But have really dark days too. But those are lessening and getting past the 1 year anniversary has seen a huge change in how I feel. I’ll never not miss Mary so very much, but I’ve now accepted that my life is different and that there is really not a lot I can do about that. Mary always told me I wasn’t allowed to go first, but she took that situation out of my hands. I now feel grateful for all the wonderful times and years we had, and that she wasn’t left to deal with the things I (and all of us) have had to deal with over the last year. I now need to make my own new memories.
I hadn’t bought Mary any presents at the time she died. But if I had, I wonder what I would have done with them? It would depend on what they were. I think I’d have ended up giving them to a charity - clothes to the homeless, other things to a charity shop - so that I felt they were going to help other people.
In my kitchen, I have a little ‘Tiny Sloth’ holding a placard. One of the things it says is ‘Don’t believe everything you think’. I also have a photo of ‘Positive Potato’ which I look at whenever I am a bit low. They have helped me many times.
I truly hope that you can manage this Christmas as well as you can. My bet would be that afterwards you will say ‘it wasn’t as bad as I had expected’. I hope you do end up saying that.
Much love. xxxx