Hello, this is the first time I’ve tried online help. My eldest daughter said to me earlier ‘you used to be a magical person. I miss you’ and I realised I need to look for help, support, answers - to be honest, I don’t know, but something. Mostly, to give again, feel again. It’s like I’m numb, switched off, looking through a window at life and not feeling anything. The last few years a lot has happened. Most recently, albeit 2 years ago, I lost my mum to cancer. It isn’t something I’ve talked about because the situation was difficult. My mum wasn’t on any treatment or end of life care. I have no idea where or how to begin sorting through my feelings, or lack of them, as this happened following my dads death, my mums severe lifelong anxiety, my marriage break up during my last pregnancy, and most difficult, soon after my youngest was born, my middle daughter was diagnosed with cancer. She’s all clear but everything I saw with my mum has triggered something from then. If that even makes sense? I coped well. All this time, 13 years, probably too well. Now, this time later, it’s all caved in and every day is utterly overwhelming. This feels very self indulgent for me to do, to reach out. I’m used to being the carer, am much more at ease in that role, but I truly don’t know what to do in order to start feeling, moving forward. Thank you for reading this. I do appreciate it, especially given that, whoever you are, you’re here because you’re in pain. X
Welcome to the Sue Ryder Online Community. I’m so sorry to hear about the death of your mum, and everything else that you have been through in the past 13 years. You have had such a lot to cope with and it’s not surprising that you are struggling. Yes, I think it does make sense that losing your mum could trigger lots of emotions and bring back the other situations that you have faced.
I’m really glad that you’ve found this site and been able to write down some of what you feel. I hope that you find it a good outlet. Hopefully some other members will be along to reply and share their experiences, too. It certainly isn’t self-indulgent - after being strong for so long, you deserve to get support.
You mention that you are feeling very numb and disconnected. I’m not a mental health professional, and I can’t diagnose you over the internet, but this could be a possible sign of depression. Would you consider some counselling? This could be a really good way to start processing all of the difficult experiences you’ve been through, and to help you to move forward.