The C word. "Christmas"

Hello.

I’m looking to share ideas on how to deal with Christmas as it is looming over us and I find it a very difficult time of year so want to get prepared to face it head on.

Loooong story cut short…I lost my wonderful dad in 2017 then 6 weeks later my wonderful mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I lost her a year later. I’m an only child so I have a tiny family and I have a lot of resentment issues with my in laws which makes it even worse.

We all used to spend Christmas together, my parents and my husband’s parents and us but now the rituals have been thrown up in the air.

I have a son so can’t just stop “doing christmas” but the pressure to bite my lip with the in laws on such an emotional day is hard and I am already worrying about it.

I’ve wondered whether I can invite someone else over to change the dynamic. A lonely neighbour for example but not sure they would come.

Anyway, I’m rambling now but just wondered how you lovely lot are planning to cope with Christmas and loss at the same time.

Much love
Ann xx

What about explaining it to ur inlaws, or letting ur husband explain to them, that this is a hard time for u and that their support and help would be better than any gift u could get. I am not so close to my in laws, even though we re married 17 years. My husband talked to them and they did keep quiet and let me do what i wanted to do on a very difficult, yet lovely day. Hope this helps
X

Thanks Theresa for your ideas.

If I’m honest, the issue is with me not them. I guess I resent them and they are so different to my parents so it seems to make my loss more noticeable when they are around.

I like spending time with my parents friends as they are more like my parents so remind me of the easy comfort I once had. It is more like walking on egg shells with the in laws and just seems so false.

I am glad you also had a lovely day as well as a difficult one. Hopefully as time goes on the lovely will take over the difficult more and more.

Take care
Ann xx

Ann, honestly, i do understand where ur coming from. My in laws are quite, ‘posh’, in their own way and my parents reared 9 kids in a 3 bedroom terraced.
But, to be fair, they did understand that i couldnt be, ‘all in’, at christmas. Plan what u want ur christmas to be like and what ur loved ones would want u to do. Then, just do it. Do the Christmas u want and do it as best u can.x

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Hi Ann, do what u want to do and get your hubby to explain how difficult it is going to be for you. I had my 1st Xmas last year without my darling hubby Martin, I cried lots on Xmas Eve when i went to bed and Xmas morning, but then i got up pulled myself together and spent the day at my sisters with my parents and it was fine in the end. I raised a glass to Martin at dinner and everyone wished him a happy xmas too because he was with us. I got through it - its just a day, but focus on your son and make it a happy one - speak out loud to your mum n dad make them part of your day and keep a picture in a prominent place too. I bought everyone a glass ornament for their tree which says “Always with us Merry Christmas Martin” and they all loved it and placed it at the front to be seen by everyone, do something like that perhaps for yourselves too. It is always going to be a hard day but make it hte best you can xxx

Hello Ann, I think that you should put yourself, your husband and son first, just for once and do whatever you want to do. Good luck… MaryL

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Hi AnnAnnie

This is a really tough one!! I have lost 3 brothers, 1 sister, a mum and dad, Aunties/Uncles and more recently a beloved Auntie.
My husbands family are very very close, without any bereavements, and i am grateful that my children at least have the closeness and love of “another family”.
However, for me that closeness and love only serves to reminds me of what i have lost!!
I plan on “getting through Christmas” by telling myself that even though i am suffering (and believe me i am), my children, thankfully, have never experienced that kind of suffering. and because of my love for my children, i will play my part and go through the motions. I appreciate, that not everyone on here has children, to give them a reason to participate, so maybe you have to say “What would your partner have wanted you to do!!”
I hope this helps…it is sent with love and feelings…

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I would like to know what to do about Christmas as well. I do not want to acknowledge it with decorations and gifts. It was a holiday filled with joy when my husband was here. He made Christmas so special for me and my 3 kids. But he was killed 7 weeks ago. Our youngest is only 11 and I can’t totally ignore this holiday like I want to because she needs some happiness. What do I do?

Dear Morr

I am so so sorry for your loss…7 weeks is such a short time. I am sure Christmas is the last thing you want to think about!!
But, as you said you have children, and Christmas is about children isn’t it really. Do you have any family/friends who can come around and help you through it, or could you and the children go to them maybe…i think it might help if you are with other people as it will be a distraction for you and the children. Or, is there any possibility you could get away for a few days maybe just to break up the long festive period…
I hope you find a way through…x

I think getting away is what we will do. Anywhere but home. A place with no holiday decorations where I can just be with my kids and dog. Thank you.

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