Its been 4 months since i lost my partner to cancer. As i sit here on a sunny saturday i really cant see the point in carrying on. I/we had no children, the house is being sold, and my life feels over.
Im a 57 year old guy, and strange as it may seem im meeting friends later, where the mask will go on and i’ll put a brave face on it, knowing that afterwards i’ll come home to an empty house, alchohol inside me.
No doubt i’ll just fall asleep for a bit, and not have the courage to do anything, but these thoughts are becoming more and more prevalent, and people say to me ‘Coral would want you to be happy and carry on’ but im not and i cant. I just cant stand the pain.
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I know how you feel Ade. I have felt this many many times since my Ray left. Like you, we had no kids, some family never contact me and I really don’t know what my future is.
People say to me that Ray wouldn’t want me to be like this, but I can’t help it. They mean well but don’t understand the longing we have to just hold our loves again and tell them what they mean to us.
I’m sorry I can’t be of more help, but know that I can empathise with how you feel. It is such a horrid awful path that we’re on now. And lonely too.
Big hugs to you and take care x
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Hi Peg, i posted before i had finished, but you are obviously in the same position as me, when dies the pain end? Does it ever end? I just cant see it ever ending.
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Yes I see where you added more. And I understand what you said there too. I’ve thought of nothing else. My pain seems to be getting worse and it was 19 weeks yesterday.
I’m meeting up with a friend this afternoon too, I’ll put the mask on and maybe smile, but inside I’m breaking up
I hope the pain subsides, I’m still waiting for it, and like you, I don’t have any answers. Have you been for counselling at all? I’ve had 3 sessions and it’s helped to get things out. Plus it helps when we feel very low, that there’s always someone here who can help.
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I have had one session, but it was privately arranged and as it costs so much i stopped it. I had a phone appointment with the mental health nurse at my GP’s last week, that i had to wait a month for, but im a guy so i cancelled it the day before because i thought i could cope, stupid of me huh?
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Not stupid at all, completely understandable. If it was me gone before Ray, I really don’t know how he would have coped. He would have done exactly as you did and cancelled knowing him!
I’m hoping this afternoon will take my mind off things for a bit, also important to talk about our partners with other people too…
So sad to see so many of us in unbearable pain on this site. Isn’t it dreadful. I hope I’m not depressing you more, I wish I had something more positive to say.
See if you feel up to making another appointment when you’re feeling stronger. And hope you have a nice afternoon with your friends. Take good care
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Sorry for your loss. I do understand why you would consider just checking out. I’ve contemplated it several times. I don’t know if I would have the courage, and I can’t do that my sister as she’s been there for me since my partner passed suddenly five months ago. The emotional pain and sadness is awful. Have you had any counselling? Some people find it helpful, or maybe see your GP. You could also phone The Samaritans if you’re feeling rock bottom. Keep on posting people on here understand.
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Hi, Ade 188.
I had just turned 57, when my wife went ahead on 25.01.25. So it’s 13 months on. Like you to cancer. I have not had a drink of alcohol since I lost my Dad 25.12.24. 25 is not my favourite number. I had not had a drink since Sue got diagnosed. I fear if I have one drink it will turn in two etc.
Please have a word with your gp, about counselling, it might not work but it is worth a try. Just because we are men it doesn’t mean we can’t get help. It like they say what would you do with a broken arm. Could you go to a bereavement group ? Yes I have had dark thoughts, but I know deep down I won’t act on them. I can’t say it’s a easy journey or gets much easier. If you are lucky to have support around you, please use it. I still cry. I went to my first gig on my own last Wednesday, during one song I got out my phone and looked at a picture of my wife and cried in the middle of the floor. I didn’t care this is my grief journey.
So please look after yourself and take care.
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Hi Ade,
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I lost my hubby suddenly 5.02.25, I’m told I’m still in trauma. I had all the dark thoughts too. I still have them from time to time, when life becomes too stressful and I no longer have my soul mate to share it with me.
Please speak to your gp. I had emergency therapy and I didn’t take to the therapist and gave up. I knew I needed help and called and said that I didn’t get on with the therapist, they sorted me someone else. You need to be totally honest about your feelings and state of mind. I’m taking a low dose of meds, it keeps me just above the lowest point, because I know I need to process my loss. If it’s needed, there’s no shame in that help, whatever gets you through.
I find distraction helps. I bought a load of old comedies from a bygone era, like the golden girls and soap. I watch rewind TV, uktv etc as distraction to while away the hours. I haven’t been able to listen to music since he passed. I have lots of little videos of him on my phone, he was comical. I watch them all the time and cry, sometimes I smile. I know I’ll never get over him, he was my life, my lover, my best friend, my soul mate, my other half and my heart hurts all the time. I imagine him cuddling me in bed, it helps me to fall asleep. I’ll never stop loving him.
I avoid people because I can’t put on a brave face, it makes me feel worse when I’m alone again, because I’ve been false to myself.
Please ask for the help you need, I know men avoid it and you shouldn’t, my hubby was the same.
Please keep talking on here too, we are all sounding boards, and support for each other, because we all truly understand the loss.
We’re all trying to deal with this awful, heart breaking, gut wrenching loss together.
Please be kind to yourself everything you’re thinking and feeling is a process that needs to happen. Find whatever distraction helps you to while away the hours.
Please take care of yourself
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same pain here, hugs matey
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oh my god, i cancelled mine too, then had a massive meltdown yesterday because of his birthday. the darkness is winning indeed
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I’m still here after another night of tears and broken sleep. The feeling of emptiness when waking up, the knowing she isn’t here to share the day, it’s awful.
There is nothing that can convince me it gets any better.
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Same here Ade, I’ve been awake since 5am, crying my eyes out now, my heart feels like it’s broken in bits.
Can’t see a way out of this pain. It’s truly awful.
I went out with his best friend yesterday and we talked all about him and shared memories, but it only reminds me of the future that’s been ripped away from us. It’s so cruel and I need his advice and help as I’m so scared of the future.
I’m sorry I can’t offer any words of comfort, but know that someone else feels as you do at this time. So many of us in the same horrible boat of distress and pain.
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I know how you feel right now. I feel the same. Everyone says to me that Ray would want me to carry on, a tiny bit of me believes that. And I’m trying to hold onto that. It’s so hard to keep telling myself that but I must. And you must carry on too… please try.
Take a deep breath and talk to your partner, ask her for help or a sign. I hope you have someone that you can pour out how you feel on these dark days.
I know it’s not easy, in fact it’s the hardest thing in the world not to go to that dark place. Can you do something nice for yourself today, pamper yourself?
So true what you said there, it’s not that simple when the enjoyment has gone. Our partners made our lives so joyful and now we’re lost and that’s the problem. The one person you could talk to and help is gone. Bloody awful, the whole experience is!
Your Dad’s suicide was a very tough experience at such a young age. That’s a very difficult thing for anyone to go through. And of course you could open up to Coral about that, the one person who understood. My Ray had a very tough experience in his childhood, growing up with a violent father, and he could talk to me about it. This life is full of ups and downs, and trying to make sense of it is something that’s beyond me.
I hope you enjoy your day Ade, and you feel a bit better. We have to take small steps to try and cope with each day on this brutal path we’re on.
Hugs to you this morning 
Your posts have been removed it seems?
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Yes, im not entirely sure why. If you cant express the true way youre feeling then whats the point? Guess i’ll have to be more careful what words i use. A shame really as im sure you werent offended by anything i wrote.
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Not at all, not offended in the slightest. If you can’t express how you feel here, I just don’t know what to think
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I feel physically sick today and I’ve got a huge headache. I’m off to my mums for lunch too, and the worst thing is I know I’ll be short tempered with her, and I hate myself for it. After that I will pay a visit to the crematorium, in the rain by the look of it, I usually go once or twice a week, then back here, ready for another evening and night of tears and despair.
I hope you have a good a day as you can, thank you for replying and listening, it’s really appreciated.
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I was in a really bad place waking up this morning. It’s five months now but things seem to get worse, I was verging on a panic attack.
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