Gosh folk, I see so much of my journey here. You are all apparently at the beginning of the road none of us wanted to take.
My wife died suddenly and unexpectedly in November 2024. I have come a long way along that road, with all its twists and turns. There are really no words to make things better for any of us, but maybe, just maybe, I can give you a glimmer of hope or more.
I have been down as far as I could ever be, saw no point in anything but I’ve since had high days as well. I’ve screamed, shouted, kicked and hit the walls in anger. One time I had to leave the house and go and see my daughter to stop me throwing things around the kitchen in frustration and grief.
The amount of grief we suffer has a direct relationship to the amount of love we have for our partner. I say ‘have’ because we always will have that, it is never a ‘had’.
People will tell you things and say things like, ‘it will get easier’, you will ’move on’, only because unless they have suffered the loss of a partner they can’t understand the grief that leaves behind. Don’t be angry with them if they make insensitive comments. Be glad that they have not experienced this. One day they probably will.
As has been said, do seek help – we men are notorious for not doing that. I saw my GP at around 7 weeks in, and he gave me some tablets to help me sleep. I have only taken three in 15 months, but knowing they are there helps somehow.
I am very lucky to have a close family of 20 within 4 miles, one literally next door. We all have friends too. I’ve cried with them, I’ve cried on my own – many times and still do.
Nightwish mentioned going to a gig recently. I have done the same, the first one being one my wife had specially wanted to go to, at around 8 weeks in. Her empty seat beside me had my coat on it. It was tough but I got through. I’ve been to many more since then, alone or with family. I’m now enjoying the shows and generally don’t end up in floods of tears.
All I can say is that over time things have changed, it’s been less difficult meeting people and going out. I learned to be honest when people asked ‘how are you?’ There is no less love for my wife now than there was for our 40 years together. What changed was that I got to the point of accepting things as they were, but that didn’t happen until after the funeral anniversary. You have a lot of firsts to go through. I know how tough those can be, and I suspect you can’t see a way past at least some of those yet. I can almost guarantee they will not be as bad as you fear they will be. Not one has been for me.
So take courage from the fact that I and many others are all still here and getting by, a year or more later. That was due in no small part to the friends I have made on here.
We are the strong ones, we can survive, some of you have had dreams of your loved ones. There are your signs. Treasure those dreams as they don’t always happen or don’t happen often. Remember all the good times with fondness. Oh I so wish you every success in getting yourselves along this journey, and coming out the other side relatively unscathed. Remember you are so loved by others.
A friend sent me this, just today. The words are just so true!
Take care. Much love. Nigel xxxx