The dreaded day

Next week .on the !10th is the horrendous day of my beloved sharryn leaving this world.I wish I could turn back time.I wish I could have been different.I was not there at the hospital.I was at home when the psychiatric nurses came to visit me at home in the morning.when they broke the agonising news to me.I am in a quite different circumstance than others on here I am estranged from my family .there is only my granddaughter and myself .she is doing quite fine with her grief.but am afraid I am not.I am still the same in my anguished grief .sometimes contemplate suicide because this pain is unhalting.and is like no other pain it does not subside.I wish everyone on here some kind of solace.I am fogged up with medication.Annette xx

Dear Annette
So sorry to hear about the loss of your Sharnyn. Tomorrow (4th) it will be 5 months since my beautiful son Jacob left this world, and I will never be able to forget the look on the police women’s face as I opened the door. Life is cold and hard, all the softness, joy and happiness has gone and I realise that for a while yet I need to accept that this is my life. I have 2 younger children who need me, just like your granddaughter needs you, Each day is an endurance race, I am pleased to go to bed at the end of each day and wake up with a sigh every morning.
Are you gertting any support or going to any bereavement groups? I think is important to talk to people, express your feelings, thats why sights like this one are so helpfu. When I read some of the posts it helps me realise that although people cannot know exactly what I am going through, they have a pretty good idea as we are all grieving and have suffered loss of a loved one.
Be kind to yourself
Janet

Hi Janet sorry to hear about your dearest Jacob.yes each day is a task to get through.I don’t really have a life its just an existence.I realize I have Gabriella and need to be here for her but its so very hard Janet.its the worst torturous pain isn’t it.it never gets any better.its a year next week that my darling girl left us.she died of cancer.yes I do receive counselling once a month .if you don’t mind me asking what happened to your dear son.god bless you and this site.Annette.xx

Also Janet I worry I may forget her.does that seem normal.of course I know I won’t cry every day.I have still all her clothes in the wardrobe I can’t bring myself to thrw any of my girls things away .I even have all her meds in the living room also her dressing gowns and clothes still in the bags from the hospital her smell is on them even if it is not a quite pleasant aroma.its the only thing I have to hang onto of my girl.hugs to you .Annette.

Dear Annette
Thank you so much for your reply/ Jacob went to Germany to work for 2 days, unfortunately he had an accident and hit his head and died, he was only meant to be away for those 2 short days but never came home again. The shock and disbelief was unbearable at the beginning, and the pain of this moment remains with me every day. Like you at the moment I do not live I just exists, I function from one day to the next. To the outside world my life must look much the same, I go to work, cook, clean and son on, but it is all pretend isn’t it, we do all these things as what else are we supposed to do. Everything in my life seems wrong, out of place and I am different. Others might not see that I am different but I know I am changed forever.
Jacobs things remain untouched, I have not been able to get rid of a scrap of paper. His little brother has taken over some of his clothes, which I am pleased about and I know Jacob would be pleased to. I do not think there can be any hurry when it comes to their things, there is no hurry, no time limit.
Take care
Janet

Dearest Janet my heart goes out to you.what a terrible shock for you.so unexpected.like you I haven’t been able to disturb anything of my dearest girls things they lay abandoned like her makeup on the bathroom floor shrouded in dust.where she last used it.something akin to a dickens story.next week on Tuesday it will be one year without her.still can’t believe it.life to me seems surreal.my girl is laid to rest on the lsle of wight.my girl died through a misdiagnosis.which makes it doubly horrendous…I send you a invisible wrap around hug .because I know your purgatory and pain…take care .Annette.

Dearest Annette
So both our babies were taken before their time, how cruel this world can be, how cold and hard. The Isle of Wight is such a beautiful place, it was on of my mums favourite places and we have had many happy holidays in the past there. I will be thinking of you next week for the anniversary. Every celebration, every birthday, every anniversary will be so difficult for both of us.
Sending you love and prayers
Janet

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