The dream is over

I really need to get it into my think head that my husband has gone and is not coming back
My new tactic is to turn everything on it’s head
Instead of thinking that I am now living in a nightmare I am going to turn it on it’s head and say to myself that this is the real deal …my real life . Always was and always will be and the time I spent with my husband from 16 to nearly 60 was the dream .
I am no longer living the dream but I was lucky to have had it for so long
Just because the dream is over doesn’t have to mean that my current reality is crap
It’s going to take some time to try and turn things around in my head so I appreciate what I’ve got and what I’ve had
Don’t know if I can do it but I will give it a go
Home made cognitive behavioural therapy
Romy xxxxx


Thick not think …although that’s all I pretty much do at the moment

Hi Romy
I read your post the other day about you being the person who is there for everybody else. You’ve probably worked out that you need to put you first, and that presumably goes against your instinct.
I’ve come home after nearly three weeks away and I’ve got a lot of fresh memories which I can use to divert my thinking.
What you are talking about is what I would call reframing… looking at things differently, trying to find a different angle.
Having the determination to change things is a great start. Keep believing. You can built a new reality, and then another.
I’d definitely recommend some me time, a short break away maybe. It’s scary at first but it’s worth it.
I’m ready for setting off again. Planning for Pembrokeshire and The Gower second half of this month, and Northumberland next week. It might be a bit like running away but so what.

Hi Romy, I truly understand your thoughts here…I too lived the dream from 16-58. I don’t know a life without my husband but here I am, putting my thoughts in order and ‘giving it a go’ just as you intend doing. I know you will give it your very best…take your time…that’s a lot of change that needs acceptance. Have a peaceful weekend, kindest wishes, xx

I can relate to everything you’ve said, get annoyed with the thoughts going around in my head, I try to convince myself he’s not coming back, but my head won’t yet accept that he’s gone. I too met the love of my life when I was 17 we had 46 years together I’ve joined different groups walking, craft and do go on a fortnightly Cruse meeting to meet similar people in this situation. Joined the Way Up group on line too, they do have met ups. Like you said I was very lucky to have him for all those wonderful years. Facing the future is going to be hard, very hard, but like you need to focus on me now. I’m really going to try.

I’m going to try but my heart’s not in it
Romy xxxxx

I try every day too. Romy but my heart’s not in it either. Not even sure I want it to be…x

I just feel like there’s a heavy weight on me , on my brain , in my heart , in my mouth . I just feel weighed down . It must be the grief . I hate it . I feel so knackered and not myself . Nothing makes it go away . Such a heavy , heavy feeling . Maybe tomorrow will be better . I hope so and for you too xxxxx

Ditto to all of that, Romy. Love to you xx

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Dear Rainbow
It’s lovely to hear from you
I don’t know whether it’s because I was focusing on the word dream yesterday and all that that entails but before I went to sleep last night I asked my husband to please visit me in a dream . He rarely does but I asked him last night and it worked . He did .
I won’t go into the details but he was able to show me love and compassion and that even death cannot break the bond between us . It has upset me because I miss him so much but I am also very grateful to have shared the majority of my life with him and that we have this continuing bond
I have never been a really spiritual person but things change when you lose someone special . This grief journey is hard work and I don’t think it will end until I die too . Still figuring out how best to live in the meantime like everyone else is

Sending much love
Romy xxxxx

I’ve also asked my husband to give give me a sign, anything, to let me know he’s ok I too have dreamt of my David and it’s always in a protective role. I’ve asked him to help me through all this grief, after all those years together we still had a special spark between us, the touch of his hand, the cuddles and laughter we used to share, the memories are keeping me going at the moment, his pictures are everywhere , I worry his face will fade, my children realise now how their Dad and I loved each other they had a wonderful childhood, now they are looking after me.this road of grief is sure a long endless one.

Dearest Romy,
Thank you so much for sharing with me. There have been many times when I have not known what I believe, think or wish for, anymore. However, the continuing bond between my husband and myself has never failed to remind me of how much I was loved and cared for; it is a force to be reckoned with, that’s for sure. I too become upset and then…sometime after, as the tears and anguish relent…I feel as if part of the grief has been washed away and I’m left on a higher level which helps bring me out of or save me, from the downward spiral that encompasses everything around me.
The depth of love you have had for Mark, all of your life, will keep you strong on your grief journey. When it’s said be kind to yourself…this means to me that I need to stop reliving the memory and feelings of the cruelest part of our life. It has gone, it is in the past and torturing myself is self-destructing. My heart is forever his but I’m stuck with my mind and the daily battle to gain some control over my life, goes on.

I send much love and kindness to you Romy and to everyone, as we walk on…x


That’s so lovely for you Romy. I too ask for something now and again from my hubby, although I don’t know why because I know he’s with me still. Sometimes something happens and I know in my gut it’s him. Usually when I’m the most upset. Some tell us it’s imaginary, our minds playing tricks on us or, whatever other reasons they come up with on our behalf. Just as someone could never convince me some things are signs from my husband, if I don’t believe they are, neither can I be convinced otherwise. I know what is and what isn’t. It’s my gut that tells me, not my mind. I just know and, I’m glad you do too. So pleased for you that you got your dream and proof that it isn’t over after all, as you thought it was. Feels like it is right now though doesn’t it, but even dreams instil a break on us, in death just as they do in life!

I agree, I don’t expect the grief to go from us until we die. Why would it. It’s an interpretation of our love. I trust I will take it with me when I die and once again it will become the love and the dream will be continued… Scared of dying, not at all :slight_smile:

I hope Sunday is kind to you xx

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Thanks everyone I needed your comments today. I have been trying for months to find acceptance and had thought that I was slowly getting there. What frustrates me is when I take a sudden dip for no apparent reason and my mood becomes one of loss and desperation. After a week or two of plodding along quietly I then get a complete meltdown. No explanation why. The grief monster attacks. Today has been one of those days and when I took some flowers to Brian I sat crying for the first time in a week or two. I’ve been looking at his photograph on the coffee table and asking him over and over how he could have left me like this. I hope tomorrow will be a better day and I can turn my head around. Many thanks. Pat xxx

Hi YorkshireLad,
Just wanted to add good wishes for your next adventure, this time to the North East…hope you find Geordieland interesting and a great place to run away to, x

Thank you Rainbow.
We spent a lot of time on the coast of Northumberland and for years we took a cottage at Lesbury. It’s only a short break this time. I thinking of 2 nights at Bellingham and 3 nights at Beadnell. Time for some kippers from Craster.
It’s a good bus service between Berwick and Newcastle for linear coastal walks.

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Dear Pat

I hope you are Ok - you have been so helpful to me over the last couple of weeks and I am so sad you have taken a dip. Your posts are usually so positive about the lovely place you live and your dogs - and Brian and his music.
Wishing a better day for your today. Please let us know how you are.
Sending a big hug

Trisha xx

Hi Pat
I had a bad day yesterday and I’m assuming it’s because of being massively overtired. I drove home from Surrey on Wednesday and went walking with the Ramblers on Thursday and did 10 miles. Not a good idea. I think that the physical and emotional sides of coming home just collided yesterday. Fortunately I slept well last night and things look much different today. I’ve even been cleaning the kitchen.

I’ve found that if I sit and think about Carolyn it will have inevitable consequences, too much and it destroys me. I’ve got newer fresher memories from my time away and I try to switch my thinking to them.
I don’t think we find acceptance despite going looking for it, I think it will find us.
I hope you feel stronger today.

Hello Trisha and YL. No today isn’t much better but I have now come to accept that these days will come. I went to the allotment early and planted Squash and Pumkins. still miserable so went to the gym to work off some of my anxiety.
I have had nearly three weeks since my last episode so that’s not bad. Comes on for no reason and lasts a few days and as I like to be in control not happy when start to fall to pieces. I go and sit with Brian in the cemetery. He’s hidden away under a canopy of tree’s and tell him how I’m feeling, cry and have a good old moan. He won’t mind he’s used to me. He’ll listen and then start to read or even drop off to sleep and I will wonder why I even bothered. Oh happy days.
Hopefully out of this mood tomorrow
Love to you all Pat xx.

Hi Yorkshire Lad, I too try not to sit and think, I do something to make the brain switch. Walking, gardening, today Gym and shopping.
Well done on the 10 miler. I used to say I wouldn’t get out of bed to do anything less than 10 miles but now I keep to shorter walks with the Ramblers as I have my dogs with me and don’t like having to keep them on a lead for a long walk. They’re not used to it. That’s my excuse anyway.
You have done a lot after all that driving and as you say coming back home again and of course having to clean the kitchen would push you over the edge. Now what about the garden have you been out there to pull up those weeds, or have you just been looking at them.
So pleased you enjoyed your travels and it seems to have done you good. Could you find room to take a group of us with you.
I wish I had a camper van, it’s sound absolutely ideal what you are doing. The open road, my dogs, countryside. Bliss.

Take care Pat