The dream is over

Yes, definitely. The more the better. I’m a Yorkshire man. Its all about the money.

I did think of a lottery. The loser got to travel :))
X

Dear Pat
I do hope it is a better day for you today. I have been bad this morning - but as you say too much thinking. I did a lot of admin stuff yesterday and was OK until I started trying to clear stuff in the bedroom where I found funny little notes from him that I had kept - that first of all made me smile and then made me cry. And I am at the start of this road - just four weeks today. Time has no meaning though does it?
I am going to try and get out today - would feel better if I trusted the car … just a week or so until I change it so am sure I will feel better about going out then.
I have been talking to Gary too - i just miss him answering back. He was always such a chatter and now the guilt steps in as I just used to switch off when he was talking about his music production. I think he knew I had absolutely no understanding of what he was talking about - and I used to tell him it was time to see his best friend who did. They were in a school band together when they were 15 so were friends for 45 years. I am rambling on - sorry.
Take care and sending a hug
Trisha xx

Dear Trisha
I am having a weird morning too
Not bad but just sad
I am laying in bed with my two dogs looking at memorial brochures for my husband
I am starting to feel sick before I even get up to start the day properly
Why I did it now I don’t know
I think I just want to get it over with
Most of the headstones I looked at in the brochures made me want to throw up to be honest
At least my daughters and myself have decided on an inscription from a poem by Thomas Campbell from the 1700’s
But my youngest daughter is in floods of tears because it’s all getting a bit too much for her
We have been going through it since my husband died suddenly last July aged 60
It is exhausting
Please keep posting on here
I can vouch for it that it really does help
We are a community of grievers on here and when one of us is really struggling as I have done on many occasions the rest of us rally around
I had to do a bit of clearing out of our garage recently with the help of an old friend because it was such a mess and I found lots of old birthday cards and valentines cards from back in the day .
Reading them made me remember and realise for how long and how much my husband and I had been loving each other .
They are nice to keep but you have to be in the right mood to benefit from them otherwise they just bring you to your knees because you know it’s over
But I don’t think it’s ever really over when you love someone dearly
The inscription we have chosen hopefully symbolises that …that love never ends .

‘To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die ‘

I’m sure your Gary would like you to try to get out and about today …even play some of the music he liked whilst you are driving . It might make you feel sad but it might make you feel better . Just stop driving though if you start to cry too much . Driving and crying loads is never a good combination .

Sending you hugs and understanding
Romy xxxxx

Dear Romy

Thank you for your message. I think I am having a crying day today - so will try to get out. When you have done everything together for ever though - I can see him wherever I go.

The inscription you are using on the headstone is perfect - it was the last words of the celebrant at Gary’s funeral. I keep asking why too - 60 is too young isn’t it? Still so much to do and time to enjoy ourselves after a lifetime of hard work. Sadly not to be - you must feel the same. Yes the cards are so poignant - I found some love letters yesterday that he had kept - we were great writers in those days. He was such a romantic. I keep telling myself that 40 years of something so special is more than some people will ever have - but really it is just words isn’t it. It does not stop the hurt and the fear of the future alone. We have our beautiful children but they will have their own lives to lead - and we all know how busy that is these days. Your poor little daughter - mine at 24 feels she has lost her dad too young and is angry at the moment - I know that is grief too. I don’t think I could do a memorial stone - Gary was cremated and I have not decided yet what to do with the ashes. My parents I had scattered in the grounds of remembrance but I feel differently about him. Oh well I guess I will decide one day soon.

I think I will have to leave the radio on LBC - I cannot do music in any form and would most certainly cry - as you say a danger when it all goes blurry. I tend to cry in the car too - as if he was not with me I would chat to him (we have a built in system in the car) - I still talk to him and that sets me off.

Oh dear I am not doing much to cheer you up am I? Right time to pull my socks up and get going - thinking is definitely the worst thing I can do.

I hope your day improves and thank you again for the message. We are indeed a community and I am so grateful for the support I have found here.

Sending you a hug too on this difficult day.

Trisha x

Hi Romy and Trisha
I’m not finding today too bad, have kept busy, Long early morning walk with dogs down to the seafront, been to a garden centre to collect bags of compost and seen a friend for a chat. I do hate the weepy, negative days but do accept them as part of my grieving but they are such hard work.
Regarding driving I wouldn’t drive for a couple of months as I couldn’t trust myself to be safe. I too see my husband wherever I go as he was born just around the corner and lived here all his life and I pass the house he was born in everyday. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by so many memories.
I have had a lot to sort through, some of it from before we married and I must admit to lots of mixed feelings as well as tears by the bucket loads. Things from long before we married. I wanted to ask him why he had left me with so much.
I keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day and whatever I will cope.
Pat xxx

Hi Pat

Glad your day was better - I know I am better if I am busy.

Still cried in the car - just so emotional at the moment. Gary would have laughed at me as I cried listening to Donald Trump’s speech - OMG I must have lost it. He was however talking about the American service men who died - and it just made me well up thinking of all those poor young men who never went home.

I did go out and bought my daughter a new suitcase for her holiday - and a nice new duvet cover and laundry basket ( I am easily pleased). Now I have to look through some papers that I need for tomorrow. That will keep me busy - no doubt I will end up with piles that need shredding. I know I need to sort through things - probably aware of my own mortality a bit more and I am thinking I do not want to leave my children all this to sort through… but I have to be in the mood. Will see how far I get.

Take care both

Trisha xx

Try is as much as we can do Romy, I’m having all kinds of thoughts fighting through this mind of mine, when I’m out I get really excited about getting back home to see Alan, then reality kicks in and I have to accept that he won’t be waiting for me at home. My dream lasted from 15 to 67. My lifetime. These past 12 months I’ve been living in limbo, an unreal universe that consumes our every waking moment. Some days I feel I’m improving then days like today, I’m right back in last year, no rhyme no reason, no trigger no specific memory or thought. Just like a time warp.

Some days it is a tiny bit easier and I try to embrace those days as being the life I now must attempt to enjoy and live as my future.

Sorry if I’m talking jumbled up, so is my brain today.

Blessings
Jen☆

No your not talking jumbled, you are saying exactly how I feel, so I must be jumbled as well. I took a dip on Saturday and have no idea why or what triggered it. No idea why I was crying all the time and having to force myself to do the simplest of tasks. Lot better today and back to what I call normal, whatever that is now.
Take care. Pat xxx

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Dear Jen
I still get moments when I feel like that…as if I’m going to see my husband , talk to him , do stuff with him , just be with him . It’s so weird because it takes a little time to settle down again after one of those times because you start anticipating something lovely only to pull yourself together and fall back into the horrible reality of it all .
I sometimes think I should just inhabit some crazy fantasy world but that would never work for very long would it …?
Grief is the most soul destroying , heavy , draining set of emotions you could ever imagine . It makes you wonder what flipping evolutionary purpose it ever served . There’s nothing good about almost being destroyed by your emotions on a daily basis over a prolonged period of time is there ?!
Is it meant to be character forming ?
Is it some flipping badge of honour to show you are strong enough to survive the daily onslaught ?

You get no choice with grief . It takes ownership of you .

I have never done so much thinking and trying to get on top of my emotions in my whole life . To be honest I just wish that grief would bigger off for a bit to let me get my bearings again .

My husband knows I love him . Everyone who knows us knows how much we loved each other . I am sure if he knew how exhausted I was by the whole thing he would be telling me to try and chill out about it because there’s nothing that he or I or anyone else can do about what’s happened . I try to get my head straight every day but it just won’t listen to me and insists on going all over the place thinking s whole myriad of things every flipping day …just like yours . No respite or time off for good behaviour and maximum effort …ever

Grief is such a hard taskmaster isn’t it ?
We must surely admit defeat in the end . We can’t cope with this level of distress indefinitely

Anyway , that’s it for tonight’s philosophical ramblings on the almighty power of grief

Wishing you goodnight
Hope you get some good sleep
Sending big hugs
Romy xxxxx

Just responding to the heading title, yes the dream is over, now we are living the nightmare…if only this was…

Jackie…

Mornings for me are the hardest - as reality bites as soon as you are awake. More tears in the morning than other times. I usually write in the journal late at night - but this morning I felt I had to tell him again how much I miss him. And I think we all expect them to come through the door again - as we don’t want to believe that it ends like this. Sorry - finding it really hard this morning. Will get busy as soon as the headache pills kick in.

Trisha xx

My goodness Trisha, don’t I know! it. Strangely when I first wake up I feel ok, then when reality clicks in, well, how do you describe it? It’s like a blow in the stomach. Another day without! I usually go out for coffee, I’m retired, and seeing other people going about their business helps. But I had a thought yesterday, (dangerous!!!), that when we look at other people we just don’t know what’s going on do we? Anyone looking at us would never guess about the pain we all have. I try to put a brave face on most of the time because I feel we have no right to upset others if we feel down. Only those who understand of course.
I imagine we all do some strange things to relieve the pain. I often phone home when I’m out and let it ring and then leave a message. Have I flipped? Maybe, but it helps to be a bit crazy in all this. Bless you Trisha. You and so many others on here are a godsend. Hugs.

Dear Trisha
Mornings are even more of a downer than the rest of the day
As soon as your eyes open you remember they are not there
Then for me the flashbacks start because my husband collapsed after getting out of bed to go to work
Then I start going over everything that happened that morning before and after he got up . How life can change in an instant is the most shocking bit for me …with absolutely no warning . My husband was dynamic , charismatic , good fun , entrepreneurial , kind and loved to bits by me and our daughters , his friends and employees and people in the community

His death has affected so many people but we have tried to keep going in honour of him

I usually spend time in the morning before I get up , trying to get my head straight for the day ahead but grief is a heavy load to bear while trying to get on with the other demands of life which in my case includes running a business that I never thought I would have to …well at least not now , not under these circumstances , not at this age .
I was 58 when it happened and my husband was 60 and we had been together for 42 years and have three children

Sudden death is like an eruption
I liken my husband’s death to a plane having a catastrophic malfunction and falling out of the sky because that’s what it feels like . Totally out of the blue and unexpected with terrible consequences

Anyway my ramblings are not going to help you but I do understand how you feel if that’s any consolation

Sending empathy and understanding
Romy xxxxx

Dear Jonathan
I definitely do strange things to help with the pain

I have a favourite tree that I now hug and talk to every day when I take my dogs for a walk …as if it is my husband

I tell everyone . I don’t care if people think I’m crazy . Do whatever helps

I also get really excited if I see a magpie because one landed on our bedroom window sill the morning after my husband died …tapping his beak on the window trying to get in . Whenever I see a magpie now I blow it a kiss and take it as validation from my husband that whatever decision I’m taking or path I’m following or whatever I’m feeling or thinking of doing is the right thing to do

I know people don’t like magpies but I have always loved them and my husband knew this . They are stunning looking birds . Really distinctive and a bit cheeky and quite clever even if they have a bad reputation

Anyway without my tree and my magpies I don’t know where I would be so if ringing home and leaving a message on the answer machine helps then you must carry on

I finding writing my thoughts down on the notes function of my phone helps to sort out my brain a little bit …enough to get up and start going through my day and prioritise what I have to do

But this grief journey and all that it entails is absolutely heartbreaking and exhausting

Sending understanding and love
Romy xxxxx

Dear Jonathan
You are so right - I sometimes cry in the car - and people must think I have had an argument or something trivial - and no one would guess why I am really crying. And we do not guess what others are suffering either and it is only now that I can understand this. Usually we are so busy in our everyday lives we just rush around with the need to get things done. So many people do not talk to each other either - I tend to talk to everyone - I am a real chatter - much to my daughter’s embarrassment! I constantly talk to Gary too - but have to be careful where I do that!
My son is suffering today - he did not sleep last night - he may be 31 but he misses his dad so much - they spoke every day on the phone and were best friends too. What a great dad he was as well as a great husband. Better stop or I will be off again! I have some lovely friends that are happy to let me ramble on and cry down the phone a bit- and that helps but only for a little while. Yes I think grief drives all a bit crazy - I am keeping on Gary’s phone contract for a little while as if I can still call him. Mad I know. Nobody told us it would be like this - but maybe we would not have listened - we certainly would not have understood.
So now I have rambled on again - I need to get going. Thank you for listening.
Trisha xx

Dear Romy

I hug my husbands chair in his music room. Our robin is back in the garden too - Gary loved the robins as they are so tame - but not sure if I take it as a sign - however they are very cute to look at.

We sometimes get green and yellow parakeets - there are a lot that live in Richmond Park which is quite close to where I live. It is very strange to see such exotic birds in the trees in the garden. I talk to Gary when I am hanging the washing out - so the neighbours no doubt think I have gone potty… Oh well nothing new there I guess!

Only the people here understand what we are going through - and you would not wish it on anyone ?

Take care

Trisha xx

Good morning TRICIA and EVERYONE…
…it is my back garden I get the most enjoyment from, well looking if not being able to climb up the steep and slanted grass slope, I use the help of the disabled metal handrail to help me up the three decking steps but I went out to fill up the birdseed feeders this morning, the ground feeder cage had been moved, Me and Richard always wondered what it is that comes into our garden through the night and removes it, I think a badger…Both myself and Richard have had visits from pheasants-partridges=young healthy fox cub, I live in a wildlife haven yet strange see very little birds compared to our old bricks and mortar house, where starlings flocked daily at my water bath, what I would do to be back home now…Richard and the three dogs, I never knew-realised how good my life was back then…I had everything I ever needed and wanted…we both had our health…

Jackie…

Hi everyone. Romy love your definition of grief. I don’t think of myself as trying to get over the loss of Brian but as fighting the grief thing. It is trying to ruin the life that I have now. I know I have Brian and always will but the grief monster keep pushing itself between us and making me a wreck and I don’t like this being done to me.
I talk to Brian and don’t care if people think I’m batty. Early this morning I went to our allotments and was planting Tomatoes and Leeks. I was planting in the wrong place really but it was the only spare space I had. A Bee kept flying round me and hitting me. I took it to be Brian telling me I was planting wrong and as I was on his plot he didn’t agree. I started a full conversation with the Bee explaining why I was planting in that position and it was only temporary. Can you imagine what anyone listening to me would think, me having a discussion about planting veg with a Bee.
Take care everyone. Pat x xx

Pat…
…believe you me we all do things as if we are loopy, well I know I do and I have, Richard would have vouched for that…you carry on talking to your bees…I have to admit you have made me giggle…I can just picture you in the allotment talking t your " pet " bee…Yes in all seriousness this could well be your beloved Brian, even f he doesn’t approve of where you were planting the tomatoes and leeks…you tell him Pat, you are doing it your way…

Jackie…

I have got to the point where I just don’t care what people think of me if I do something weird. Provided I harm no one and do what I do from love then it’s OK.
Yes, I had a laugh about the pet bee. Well, you never know; life is full of surprises. I recently sat on a seat in our parkland where my wife and I used to sit and I was reminiscing when I noticed, just in front of me, a small white feather. Now I know many of us have seen white feathers, but it surprised me. It had been raining but the feather was dry. When with our human sight we are unable to ‘see’ Spirit, then maybe the only way to communicate is to send bees or feathers. I think we feel more than we see. But even that comes and goes. I dislike this up and down business.
Blessings to all.

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