The feeling of losing yourself after losing your parent,

I lost my dad last year and am still finding it very hard to understand my own place or purpose. I think with dad being alive he allowed me to know who
I was and certainly was my talisman. I’m struggling to find true happiness in normal moments I feel that everything i do whether individually, or as family is constantly tinged with sadness. I feel sad to my core, I put a good front on and try to get on with things but I have moments where those feelings of sadness get the better of me and I end up acting differently, being moody, terse or quite impatient/ intolerant. I feel myself changing and worry that I’m becoming someone that I’m not and know that I don’t want to be. This thought plays on my mind alot.
I n sure this stems from grief but I’m finding it really tough at the moment and feel I’m just not the person I used to be.

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Hi, I am sorry for your pain and sadness, grief can become all consuming and difficult to break the cycle but you also that you put on a brave face. We all try to push it under the carpet but it keeps getting out and making our life’s hard. Is it time to think about getting help to break your thinking, it may help but there is no guarantees in life. Sue Ryder have counselling services and Cruse also have and it may be a few weeks before you can talk to someone but hopefully it may help you. It’s just a thought but please look after yourself and take care. S xxx

Thankyou for replying
How do I talk to someone? Is there a cost involved?
I have sunny days and rainy days just at the moment it seems to be more of the latter and can’t quite work out what the trigger is or has been to try and break this cycle.
Best wishes

Hi, there’s no cost for Cruse or Sue Ryder both have a waiting time which alters depending of were you live, days and times available to both parties.


https://www.cruse.org.uk or phone 0808 808 1677

If you find someone locally and private then cost can be high but they may see you quicker. Try either of the above and see. If your dad had care from any of the cancer support teams then you may be able to ask them for help. Our local Sue Ryder hospice have their own bereavement counselling service.
I know it seems such a hard thing to do, asking for help is never easy but it helps, so go for it and don’t think you are ‘soft’ when we loss someone special life is never the same.
Hope this is helpful and gives you the strength to move ahead with your life.
S xx

I’m sorry for your loss Rhyso, give yourself time to grieve fully. My Mam passed in December 2013 and the length of deep heartbreaking loss lasted many years. There is no time scale that we can go by for the intensity of a loss, unfortunately.
The emotions you’re going through sound absolutely normal for grief after a year of having to suffer the life changing loss.
Sending you a virtual hug and although I can’t help much, I can tell you the rawness eases over time to a duller pain - but it does take a while x
Thinking of you

Dear rhyso1979

I am sorry for your loss. Speaking as a mam who has had to watch both our son and daughter grieve the loss (and continue to do so) of their dad I can understand your great sadness. Susie123 has already provided information regarding online bereavement counselling services. I just wanted to add that if you are working then approach your employer as most offer services to their employees. If you are a student then please approach the institution where you are studying as they also have support services.

You will also find others in a similar position to yourself on this forum and hopefully you will be able to share and support each other through difficult times.

Take care.

I think I feel something similar - like I don’t like who I’m becoming after my Mum’s death last year. But then I think of everything that’s happened, everything I’ve had to do when I’ve been terrified and exhausted and I try and be a bit kinder to myself. Maybe there’s no other way than to be lost and full of sadness right now. And I do think having a short fuse/ being impatient is just our mind’s way of trying to get a bit more space to try and deal with what’s happened.

I’m sure all these changes we’re going through will continue to change, it just might take a long time. It’s a lot of endurance isn’t it? Keep posting on here, it’s always a relief to find that others get it x

I truly believe losing a loved one changes you, a part of you is lost with them and obviously while your grieving you aren’t really aware as to who or what you are becoming, we will never be the person we was, I lost my mum 7 weeks ago and I’m still on that rollercoaster of emotions and feel I will be for a long while yet and I think until we can come through this feeling of emptiness ( if we ever do) we will never ne 100% able to move on

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Hi Lynn
Really sorry to hear about the loss of your mum, if i can offer any comfort in the first few weeks/months I felt the same. If im honest empty didnt really come close, just a void a massive gap opened up and I felt terribly vulnerable for the first time in a long time. I think you begin to consider your own mortality more and that buffer of your parents being there is removed by one, certainly adds to that vulnerability. It takes some getting used to thats for sure. You re exactly right in that part of you is lost with them, its upsetting to think about all those little things that you personally had with them that nice one one else had is suddenly gone. Im beginning to embrace some of the changes to my own person and I think you have to in some respects as it ll drive you mad otherwise, being kind to yourself all to commonly heard is definitely something I am trying to do. I get some space each week by walking or running, I find that helps me to gain a bit of clarity again, pod casting is my new favourite thing as I find listening to music sometimes reminds me too much of my Dad and makes me sad. I also keep a journal, initially i would write in it everyday, saying how i felt, what new things i was feeling etc… Also started expressing gratitude in it, writing as if i was writing to my Dad and thanking him for the things he had done with me, that I felt was the most long lasting and effective form of grieving. Nearly a year on since my Dads passing I use the journal once or twice a month and know it is there to get things out of my head if i need to, much like me responding to you now, its encouraging to know that even through all the loss and absolute tragedy of losing a parent, you can cope, even if it is a bit at a time. Really appreciate you getting in touch with me as I ve been low these past few weeks. I hope you begin to look forward to more sunny days but be kind to yourself through the rainy days. Best wishes

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