The Future

I have been contemplating my future and I don’t know about anyone else but I have no clue in what way to proceed my husband died in February and I suppose it’s still to early to think about such things but at the same time I need something to hold on to and I also know on some level it’s about avoidence on my part. My daughter is 18 so she is less dependent on me as she is growing up.At present we are dividing the bills but I realise that can’t continue as it’s too much of a burden for her as she is young and I want her to enjoy her youth free of financial burden so I have decided to downsize I am in the process of freeing my house full of clutter and desposing of my husbands possessions I make it sound simple but it is a slow and painful process (everything is painful when you are grieving even the simple tasks) Anyway my job is not a career, I’m 48 years old and I simply don’t know what way to move forward, in my 20s I went back packing around d the world (that’s how i met my husband )and am considering travelling again as I learn’t a lot about myself and enjoyed the adventure. When my husband was alive I tried to talk him into taking off somewhere else but he was at a more practical place than me, so its not a whim! I suppose my concern is now my age and it would mean starting again when I returned which again comes back age and so am not sure,however travelling is the only thing at present that provides me with hope, of course I probably would not go if I did,this year " still to teary " but it would at least give me something to work towards.I don’t know, whether it would be to impulsive and reckless but how does one begin again solo after 19 years of being a duo it’s all so scary! I would appreciate people’s opinions xx

Hi Karen,

I think it is great that you are considering travelling the world again and I don’t think that your age should be a reason not to. (Anyway, ‘grown-up gap years’ are apparently a lot more common than they used to be.)

As you say, you don’t need to make any decisions at this stage, but planning and researching it might be something positive to focus on.

Now is the time to put yourself first and do what works for you - so if you do decide this is what you want then why not? I would call it brave rather than reckless!

Hi my husband died in February 2014 after nearly 39 years of marriage. I feel for you and know what a terrible time you are having. Seeing other people getting on this their together lives and you contemplating what to do in the next five minutes nevermind next year. I have no advice but I can say that I found a certain numbness for about a year and am really only now starting to actually think and make decisions. Looking through your husband’s things is difficult beyond belief and I have kept a lot in boxes - mainly personal things. Don’t feel pressured to do anything. I understand the desire to travel and just leave it all behind but you can’t leave this behind as it will travel with you. I hope you do travel at some point when you are ready to cope. I found any stress very difficult for the first two years and still find some things or sudden problems a nightmare. I was never like that before. Please don’t think I am offering advice as I know now how different grief is for everyone but I just wanted to pass on my experience so far. May you find your way and find peace and happiness in the future. My very best wishes. Ev

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Hi Ev thank you for taking the time to reply to me having dialogue with people who has had the same experience brings me great comfort as it allows me different perspectives! I know that some things will take time and then there are urgent considerations that are sweeping me along whether I like it or not. Unfortunately I will have to downsize at some point as my daughter who is only 18 is sharing the bills with me and it’s to much financially for her we have agreed that in January we will persue it so I have about 5 months to de clutter and dispose of my husbands stuff which breaks my heart but what can I do I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place I will also have to get rid of some of our possessions as when we move it will be to somewhere smaller with the eventual outcome of me living there alone as my daughter will probably fly the nest at a later date. I’m still weighing my options regarding travel I know there is no escaping my grief (unfortunately ) I also realizes at this stage I’m still coming to terms with losing the most important person in my life and desperately trying to adapt to my new circumstances. I would just like something positive to focus on but initially I guess it’s silly as my head is not in the the right place. Im very sorry for your loss Ev and I hope that things are becoming easier xx

Hi. I do feel for you and wish I could help. I also let a lot my husband’s things go and only keep certain things and you will know what is right for you. You can have a memory bear or cushion made from some of his clothes which mean they were still close to you. I am glad you have a little more time before having to move house. There is no right or wrong - leaving it behind to travel is neither right nor wrong it is just what you feel you want to try. I found keeping a journal and also a to do list helpful. I still keep the journal but the to do list is not as necessary now. For a long time I had no memory and if I didn’t write it down it didn’t get done and it helped me focus on things. I still found the phone charger with the actifry the other day so perhaps I am not quite there yet - possibly an age thing! People were always telling me to be kind to myself and I think it was possibly the best advice I got even if it is difficult to do at times. Things are changed forever for both of us but hopefully the tunnel widens and we both see some light at the end of it at some point. Accept help where appropriate. Write any time. Take care and a big hug x

AquariusA

Ove only been on this site for a few weeks since my wife passed away in August this year.
I saw the heading “Future” which is why I’m replying as reading your message am in the same situation. I’m looking at my life has ended all the plans we had of travelling to places we had been and some we hadn’t on our early retirement plan have all gone in a flash. My wife and I were happily married for 33 years and never in a million years thought I would lose her so soon and be widowed at 54.
I think it’s a very good idea to contemplate you travelling as that was a happy place you had once, I’ve made the same sort of decision in my work life to go back to me travelling worldwide as I did before June was diagnosed back in Sept last year.
I just don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel for my future I know its early stages for my grieving but Indont see it ending.
Dave

Hello Davecat 87, and also to AquariusA, I think you are both very brave to try and face your future, on your own, without your beloved partners.
Neither of you ever thought that your plans of travelling and sharing life with them would end with their deaths so soon - it certainly takes a long time to come to terms with what has happened, and to make sense of it all. I think you will realize in time that there are still many opportunities for single people, and hope that you will both find a purpose in life again. It is never the same doing things on your own, but I am sure that you will make new friends along the way.
With kind regards, Jackie x

To Davecat87
I am very sorry that you lost your beloved wife of 33 years, I was was with my husband for 19 years and so i understand how your feeling. To be honest it’s still so raw (my husband died in February ) so everything is still quite painful as I’m sure you can appreciate. Trying to work out where we fit in this world now I guess is our challenge when your part of a couple your lives are so interwoven that you almost feel incomplete without your love one. We both have to learn to adapt to our new normal and that will take time it would be foolish for me to one, make any decisions while I’m still so emotional Two Travel while I’m still so emotional how could I appreciate my surroundings when at the moment I genuinely don’t really care about anything. Don’t get me wrong I know deep down that I wil have to make some decisions about what the hell I am going to do with my life plus I want something to give me hope again but at present my thoughts are very much all over the place so I’m have decided to give myself some time to adjust to my circumstances it’s tough isn’t it your future snatched away in the blink of a eye and you think what do I do now your past is gone your present is painful and your future uncertain sorry for rambling but I genuinely am so unsure about everything now I suppose it’s all part of the grief process that loss not just of the person who you loved the most but of the the future you would have had etc xx

Hi. My husband died in February 2014 and we had been married for nearly 39 years. Walked into the back garden to do a little DIY and collapsed with a massive bleed on the brain. That was Valentines’s Day and on the Sunday he was officially dead. I know what you are going through and I just want you to know I feel your pain. I don’t think there is a grief process but I went through the same not knowing who I was or what to do. I had to write everything down to remember to do things and I started a journal and write in it every day - still do. I just want to send a big hug and let you know someone is thinking about you. Take care xx

AquariusA

Sorry of your loss too of your husband in February.
I totally agree I was always an outgoing person and was full of the joys, but as you say trying to fit in the world now, I have no idea, my feelings are that life has no purpose for me anymore, don’t get me wrong I have a lot to live for, 2 married daughters and son in laws and a 20 month old grandson but not have June around to share all these future experiences with me and them is son so hard.
I don’t know what normal is anymore losing your rock, soul mate, right arm etc
I see where your coming from regarding travel and that what and where you want to go you had plans to share that with your husband as I had plans to do with June but yes bang it’s gone in a blink.
I too want some hope for the future but no idea at present where it’s coming from, I know I’m in early stages at present but the last two weeks have been horrid and those evenings are terrible when I get in from work and don’t think it’ll help with the. Ights drawing in.
My thoughts are shot too I can’t seem to concentrate or multi task, which surprisingly enough for a bloke I was good at before June passed away.
Your not rambling at all and I appreciate your reply as this site somehow has given me some comfort just chatting to people.
Keep strong and always here for a chat for you if you wish
Dave

Hi. I am glad you have found this site and it is of help. I too found it really good and still communicate with a friend who lost her husband every day. People think they know what we are going through but have no idea. I too have family and grandchildren and like you love to be with them whilst at the same time crying inside because my husband is not there to share it. I have no answers or any advice as we are all the same but completely different - it is all so weird. I just want you to know that you are not alone and I just wanted to send you my best wishes and just let you know someone was thinking about you. Take care x

Ev

Many thanks for your message glad you like me have found this site of some comfort and that you have a communication friendship from it.
People just have no idea what we are going through and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone but don’t know about yourself but I find myself walking in supermarket or in shops etc and feel angry at seeing couples together, holding hands, laughing etc.
Isn’t it so strange that we have so much love with our family and grandchildren but with it so much sadness. I’m babysitting my grandson as we speak and made sure tonight as always that he blows nanny a kiss goodnight or goodbye when he goes home as this was a promise I made to June that I would never let him forget his adorable nanny.
I don’t think there are any answers Ev we just have to try and do the best we can without our loved ones but boy is it hard !
Take care to always here for a chat if you wish
Dave

Thank you Ev for your kind words isn’t it strange( perhaps that is the wrong word) that complete strangers can find connection through such horrible circumstances I’m really sorry that you lost your husband to sending you and Davecat87 a hug back xx

Hi thanks for the hug. I have found complete strangers have showed unbelievable kindness and some friends the exact opposite. Maybe we scare them. Who knows. I hope we can find some kind of peace. My best wishes and thoughts are with you. X

Everything you say resonates with me Dave by the way my name is Karen. My job has been my sanity I started my job five days after I cremated my husband it’s in a care home serving food we have residents with dementia end of life etc it’s sounds mad but I have come to realise that as painful as my life now is, one, having focus on someone other than myself helps and two far from everyone being happy there is a lot of pain and misery in the world so kinda feel in sync. Of course I like you, have a mixture of emotions some days I feel strong other days I’m a mess and although the blows are not coming like the early days there are still the firsts like Christmas his birthday anniversary of his death our anniversary etc I have a daughter whom I love dearly but that void can’t be filled I lost my soul mate the person who knew me best who accepted my flaws and loved me anyway the person who understood me. I look back on our life together and think it went to fast and I feel cheated and angry and profoundly sad I am having counselling but really I can’t be fixed because I know what my issue is and no amount of talking will help to resolve it I miss my husband like you miss your wife and that’s the bottom line. So I go to work come home eat wash and go to bed I push myself every so often and make my self do other stuff for eg I went Spain with my sister hated it but glad I did because I realise that my new normal consists of me flying solo from now on and the sooner I come to terms with that the easier it hopefully will become don’t get me wrong it will still be baby steps for awhile I am finding it really hard to fully engage with life but I think thats part of the grieving process retreating to heal if you will and I also think on some level I will never fully be healed but who knows xx

Karen

Many thanks for your reply.
Wow you have my complete admiration for your job starting it 5 days after such a traumatic day. You must be a strong women to deal with such a job like you have after what you have been through, my heart goes out to you Karen.
You words have given me a sense or purpose a little that some days are better than others although the blows are still bad at times, I just can’t see that at present and don’t see a purpose in life.
I do the same just go to work, come home to an empty house and just plod through each day and as you say I can’t engage in life which is not me as I was always the outgoing type and hate the new Dave.
Such a big step going tomSpain with your sister and I’m planning to go to London with my daughters end of November, that’s my big step at moment as June and myself use to go to the smoke or away for a few days around this time every year.
I just can’t get my head around what has happened to me and my family and I just can’t see a way forward or have any new direction. We had so many plans and the future all mapped out, that has now gone and Inhave no future to look forward to.
I’m still at work as that was June’s wish for me not too give up work, I used to travel throughout the world as an Engineering Manager giving consultation to food companies until June became ill and I stopped travelling so I could look after her, but I’m going to go back to doing that as soon as I can pluck up the courage to travel again.
Thanks again and keep even stronger than you already are, always here for a chat if you wish
Dave

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