The light in me has gone

Hey everyone, it’s coming up to 7 months since I lost my Mum and I’m still struggling so much! I feel so alone and helpless and like I’m just existing and waiting for my time to come. (I could have years yet I’m only 32) I’m sad all the time :frowning:

They say it gets better in time but I don’t believe that for a second because if anything it gets harder the longer me and my Mum are apart. I just miss her so freaking much! :cry:

I always go back to the denial stage and just can’t quite believe that she’s gone and I seriously can’t make any sense of it at all.

A lot of my friends never bother to contact me these days, Prehaps they really aren’t friends? I just feel so alone.

Although my partner has been my rock and has been there for me, I feel like I’m constantly going on at him about how much I miss my Mum and I get worried he will get sick of me repeating myself. I feel a massive burden.

My Gran who is my Mums mum often accuses me of thinking that I am the only one suffering because I want to talk about it but I guess I am going to have to put a stop to that because I don’t want to upset her.

Also I am worried about how angry I am, I fly off the handle over anything that irritates me these days and I find myself getting so worked up over certain things.

Also when I’m really having a bad day with grieving my heart literally hurts. I’m just wondering if this is me for the rest of my life now.

Sorry to go on, I don’t think I’m even making much sense :woman_facepalming:just felt I needed to write it down on here where people will hopefully understand what I’m going through!


Hi Jess,
I read your post and could have written exactly the same for myself. Its 9 months since my mum passed and I feel no better The crying has eased but I am constantly sad and miserable. Get rid of any so called friends who dont understand Thats what I have done
Deborah x


The thing is I don’t have many friends left anymore, it’s not just the case of them checking in on me, I’d just like them too include me in things to help take my mind off things for a bit but they don’t anymore. I sound like a bloody child but all I do these days is work and mope around and it’s taking its toll on me :(.

I honestly feel like my mum took a part of me with her and I don’t know who I am anymore, I write to her all the time but even that is getting repetitive going on about how much I miss and love her.

Thank you for your reply and sorry that you’re going through the same thing I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Honestly one of the hardest things I’ve ever endured! To think that I thought I had it bad before I lost her, I’d do anything to go back to that time and be happy with what I had hmm x


I feel exactly the same, Jess. I honestly can’t imagine ever feeling happy again.


It’s complete torture isn’t it. I feel so stuck and honestly don’t know what to do.

I am also very close to my Grandma and worried about when I’ll lose her. I know I should make the most of the time we have left but I always thought me and my Mum would be there for each other when the time came.

I just feel like when my Grandma goes I’ll be on my own as I’m not that close with other family members.

I have 2 brothers and a sister that don’t really make the effort to check in on me and I feel that they are handling the situation a lot better than I am. I guess it’s the price you pay for being the eldest.

I am also struggling with the fact that I don’t get many signs that she’s still around in another form anymore and wondering if it was all in my head in the first place. I hope not! The only thing that keeps me going is thinking I’ll see her again one day.


I feel exactly the same. Hang in there. I just hope it gets easier for us. xxx


Hi Jess,
I had a lot of signs in the beginning and now nothing. I think they will appear when we least expect them to. I resonate with everything you have written.
It’s so awful all this grief. We can only take one day ata tiem but its so hard
Deborah x


I find myself feeling poorly a lot as well like I’m constantly tired and ache all over and just genuinely feel like total crap! I don’t want to do anything and going to work is a real challenge urgh.

I do go to a development circle which has been interesting and I’ve had many convincing experiences but I still question if it is real lol

If only they were some solid evidence but even then it would still hurt not being able to see them whilst we are here.


Hi @Jess1 I definitely can relate to all that you’re feeling. I’ve accepted that all of these feelings are part of the immense grief that has come from love. All we can do is to keep going and treasuring the memories of our Mums. All I will say is that it must be very difficult for your grandmother too, losing a child is a heartbreaking experience I imagine. I hope you can find a way to support and comfort each other. Best wishes xx


Feel the same 3 months in now and it gets harder that’s for sure . Here anytime Jess x x
Laura x


I am definitely aware of how it has affected my Gran as that adds to me being sad, and if she wasn’t here I honestly dont know what I’d do. I worry about her so much.

I feel at a loss and like there’s no way out of this endless pit of despair :frowning:

I get so much pain in my heart sometimes and it worries me especially seen as I seem to be comfort eating now. I feel disgusting so I think that needs addressing as well.

Sorry to ramble on just so fed up x


Hi Jess1
Im so sorry you are going through a hard time.I think grief can be like that.7 months is so early it hasnt been very long since you lost your mum.What your feeling is completely normal.Your emotions can be all over the place.Dont feel bad for feeling angry.I still find it hard,really hard sometimes and i miss my mum every day and im still waiting to wake up from this nightmare over 2 and a half years later.
I have no friends to talk to so i do understand how it feels.I always think is there going to be an end to how im feeling but theres not because my mum is never coming back but she is still my mum and she would want me to be happy and to move on with my life.
Just think about what your mum would want for you.Hope things do start getting easier for you.Take carex


Thank you :relaxed:

I just feel bad for being angry because I can be quite nasty when I’m annoyed these days and when I do lose it, I always feel bad after and wonder why I even got that angry in the first place. I just feel constantly on edge these days.

And I am extremely lathargic, I guess it’s all the over thinking and constant sadness I feel within me :woman_shrugging: I’ve got 0 energy to do anything, although I do tend to push myself to get through each day, so that could be the reason why I am so drained.

I do sleep a lot, but I think I use it as an escape but worried I’m doing it too much!

I just know that I’ll never be the same again nor will I ever get over losing my mum, if given the chance I’d join her within a heartbeat which seems weird deep down cause I’d be leaving other family members I love dearly.

Sorry I’m rambling again lol going from one thing to the next and that exhausts me to :frowning: I feel so stuck and wonder what the point of all this is!


Stay strong Jess. We’re all in this together. I’m trying to keep busy all the time. Definitely eases the pain. xxx


Thank you for your kind words.

I am trying really hard because I know for a fact that’s what my Mum would want me to do.

I am off work today and getting overwhelmed just doing out my kitchen cupboards, ehhh I don’t know my heads a total mess!

I find myself randomly stopping and saying out loud “how are you really gone? it doesn’t make any sense”

I try so hard to keep myself busy, yet I still think about my grief no matter what I’m doing, like is there any end to this suffering :frowning:


Hi Jess
I feel your pain and can relate to how you are feeling I lost my mum 9 months ago today, I never knew something could hurt so much that you couldn’t see. They say where there is deep grief there was deep love and I fully believe that as I don’t think I could love anybody more than I do my mum and the pain I feel in my heart because see is no longer here is unbearable some days. So I totally get where you are coming from I feel like I wear a mask to pretend I’m ok and get through each day but I’m not, I’m not very good about talking about how I feel so I don’t.
Just reading your post and everybody’s comments helps, to know there are other people who know exactly how you feel and can offer support whilst we navigate this new life without them. Xx


I feel exactly the same and it sounds bad but if given the chance I’d join her within a heartbeat but unfortunately that’s not possible.

Life just doesn’t make any sense anymore, I wake up every day wondering what the point to all this is.

I write to her in a journal a lot but feel like I repeat myself constantly telling her how much I am missing her and struggling.

I kiss her photo every night and believe she is watching over me but sometimes I worry it isn’t real but surely all that love can’t just come to a end!


@Jess1 the love carries on… it doesn’t end with death. You wouldn’t feel so much pain without the love. Grief and love exist alongside each other forever…xx


I was meaning you can’t just lose someone you love so much forever, like how can their very essence just disappear like that, it doesn’t make any sense.

I just wish they were actual proof that we would be reunited again one day, although I’d still miss my loved ones terribly it would be the only thing that would keep me going knowing I’ll see them again x


@Jess1 I think we lose the physical presence but the essence lives on in us, through the love and memories that we treasure. Why worry about proof that you will be one day reunited? If the belief brings some comfort then let it make you feel stronger and live better… I know that many grief stricken survivors believe in a spirit world and that helps them to live on in this one. Personally I’m not sure, I think as a society we need to be more accepting that all life has to end eventually and properly support those left behind. Take care xx

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