currently experiencing a huge loss for the first time, and going through the motions of grief has been so confusing. but im also realising now that aside from the more obvious sides to grief, like the anger and confusion and hurt, there are smaller seeds that plant themselves into parts of your life without you even realising.
it may seem silly, but heathers is my favourite musical in the whole world, it holds such a special place in my heart and ive watched it 10+ times, and if you know the musical you know there is a pretty consistent theme of suicide. someone close to me took their own life a few weeks ago, and ive just had the realisation that im never going to be able to rewatch it without it reminding me of this loss. i honestly feels defeating knowing that something ive loved for so long will now be forever tainted and theres nothing i can do about it. i guess it all circles back to the fact that when you lose someone it permenantly alters your life, which i’d already sort of understood, but i hadnt yet grasped just how much my life would actually be altered. im still figuring out how to move on with life now she’s no longer here, and clearly i have a lot more to learn in terms of what my future looks like :’)
sorry this post doesnt really have much of a conclusion, just wanted to get my thoughts down.