Its taken me awhile to post , although I have read threads on how others are doing their best to cope with their individual loss…
Maybe its that I didn’t need to post since losing my wife until today but I am just so sad right now…
Over the last couple of weeks, probably since what would have been our 30th Wedding anniversary I ve found it even harder than the past months. It can be the smallest things, a song on the radio, an item about the house or yard that bring me to tears…( I ve been able to part with very little so far)
You always say you’re ok when people ask and sometimes I am but its the times alone that catch up with you. I m lucky that two of our children live very close, but there is a limit to how much I can off load on them, they are each fighting their own individual fight with their huge loss too.
My wife Karen lost her fight with breast cancer back in August last year aged just 51, leaving myself and our 3 grown up children absolutely devastated.
I ve read how others talk of feeling numb and in a daze and I can empathise. There are still times when it all seems like a really bad dream.
Maybe its as time goes on that the finality and unfairness of it all sinks in… You don’t just lose a partner you lose your best friend and all the hopes and dreams you have together for the future…
Karen always counted herself lucky as she got to see our beautiful children grow up,( our youngest was 20 when she left us) but she still had so much life to live and so much still to give…
Certain friends have been very good but life goes on and I feel increasingly like everyone is moving on and leaving us just to deal with it, which I understand but it doesn’t make it any easier.
I now live alone with our two dogs who help me tremendously, but they too trigger memories as they were so attentive to my wife throughout her illness.
I ll wrap up as I m rambling. Its helped just putting my thoughts down though.
Thanks for reading.
I’m so sorry for your loss, I hope putting your thoughts here helps some how. You’re right about everyone moving on and being left to deal with everything alone. I desperately wanted someone to talk to yesterday and called a friend but was told I’m bound to feel this way it’s early days. I suppose I’m hoping for something to make everything less painful. Today I feel so sad frustrated and just want to see my husband again. Take care of yourself xx
So sorry for your loss Spike. You’re right about the little things - a song, a smell, a date in the calendar, they can all invoke sadness and grief. You’re right as well about others moving on. We are surrounded by memories, possessions, smells, dates, sounds and songs and other things which mean nothing to others but for us are a spider’s web of connections to a lost love. Other people don’t have those connections and it’s difficult to explain their meaning to others because they are so personal. Like you I’ve watched friends back off but I’m grateful for the friends and family that have stuck around after my partner died just over 3 months ago. My first birthday without her this weekend - the first one in the first 12 months of significant dates that will bring back memories for me this year which will ultimately lead to the first anniversary of a year without her. I’m grateful for the positive impact she had on my life and that helps me keep going - to honour her memory by continuing to live a life and because life is still worth living however shit I might feel some days. Best wishes to you.
Hi @Lucy55 , thank you so much for your reply. I m so sorry to hear about your husband.
Your right sometimes people’s responses just don’t help at all and it can be so hard. I think especially in the early days its important to take it one day at a time.
Be kind to yourself and thanks again for the reply. xx
Hi @JustSomeBloke ,I m sorry for your loss too, thanks for responding to my post.
So many of the things you mentioned ring true… Karens first birthday without her, our first family Christmas. I think the first anniversary will be particularly hard being that it falls just two days between my eldest daughters and my own birthday…
You’re right again though that Karens positive impact and influence on the last 34years together , the 3 wonderful children she has given me all make a life worth living, just sometimes, like yesterday for me, it all gets on top of you…
Thanks again for your reply . Look after yourself.
Dear Spike7
I’m so sorry you have had to join our community.
I’m 8 months in to losing my husband to chronic illnesses.
He was ill for quite a few years , and the last two or three relied on me for everything. He died at home last August, one day before our 15th wedding anniversary. So like you the first anniversary of his death is close to other significant dates.
I only found this site just over a week ago in the early bank holiday weekend when I was struggling (like so many of us on here I hate weekends,and the long ones have been even harder)
Everything you say I resonate with.
I think most people think that I should be okay by now, or at least be used to it. I’m not.
And I think because I go to work, and walk my dogs, and go for teatime drink in the pub where me and my husband used to go …people think I’m okay.
People ask , and I shrug my shoulders and say I’m okay. And they say ‘that’s good’ sometimes I wish they would notice my shoulder shrug ,and not just to respond to my words.
You take care, I’m glad you’ve got your children. So some beautiful parts of her still with you.
We weren’t blessed with childre aset later on life. I’ve put our 2 dogs. Treacle who is 8 and was by Phil’s side through all his illnesses, he is still grieving too.
And our puppy, Bobby, who only knew Phil for 12 short days. I take comfort that they met, but makes me so sad seeing Bobby growing up…Phil would have adored him.
I hope you have a reasonable day. I’m off to work now.
Big hugs to you and everyone reading
Yes people really are rubbish arent they and tactless - just moving on with their lives and not caring about what its like for you ! It really makes me quite cross ! 
xx
I think unless you ve been through it very few have any comprehension of how utterly daunting it can feel…there have been so many aspects to deal with. Karen did so much for me until she became ill the second time, that life has totally changed.
I think its just another thing we have to learn to deal with, but thank you for your kind thoughts.
I ve felt a little better today. I think trying to keep busy is the way forward when you can manage it.
Good glad to hear it 
i think bank holidays are the worse xx i been better today … still tears but not as sad xxx
I’m finding the lack of empathy from most people really hard to cope with when I’m feeling so terrible. I know there’s nothing they can do to change things but just being told I’m bound to feel like this and being left feeling so awful on my own is hard. Am I really supposed to deal with everything by myself?! I’m as busy as I can be during the week so I’m exhausted by the end of the day but the weekends I find empty and overwhelming. I just miss my husband so much xx
Yes im just the same ! People have just left me to deal with it myself ! Its awful.isnt it ? Its not like a broken leg that can be mended ? What is wrong with people ? Thry just havent got a clue how bad the pain is ! To lose so much in one go ! The loss, the love, the companionship, the support … wow people really have got desensitized to emotion these days i dont just mean for me but for everybody who has ever lost the love of their life xx
Hi Lucy
Everything you just said is how I feel.
And like when people tell me how strong I have been, and how well I’m doing!!! I’m not feeling strong at all!
Aaarrrggghhhh.
Well here we go starting another day…
Lots of love to you all and big hugs for another day to survive without our sweethearts, while pretending to everyone else that we’re okay 
I think people only say how strong you are because that means they dont have to do a lot for you and that lets them off the hook ! Huh … xx
Hi @Deb5 , I m clearly very fortunate to have my kids so close to hand for their support.
It can be annoying people telling you how well you’re doing when you feel like your falling apart inside .
I really hope you have a better day today . We all know what you’re going through. Be kind to yourself. xx
I agree 100%
Like when they ask , How are you? And you weakly reply “okay” and they say “that’s good”
You’re right …means they don’t have to worry anymore
Hope you have a reasonable day too
Thanks spike 7 … hopefully i will. Calmer today but some people just make me cross with their crass comments and lack of empathy. Talking about some specific idiots in my family but i do find that people near me are much more sympathetic … one of my daughters is starting to be more sympathetic too … i just dont think some people care what youre going through … its a pretty horrible attitude … got a few plans for today thanks ! Mainly surviving and getting some food in xx
Also do you know another thing that annoys me … when some people dont want to talk about your loved one . I love to re-live my happy memories and remember good times as it makes me feel close to my husband again - you cant just forget they been part of your life for years ( in my case 37 !!) Some people act as if they never been here ! And avoid talking about them. Thats very stupid i think xx
I am really sorry for your loss, I lost my husband 8 months and 10 days now. You didn’t only loose your friend or wife, you lost your soul mate’s other half. I didn’t really understand what that really mean, we were supposed to grow old together we only spend 30 yrs with mine. I have children and grandkids, I pretend to feel better when I am with them. I have changed the kitchen, I have got rid of the bed, and sleeping on the sofa now
Getting to shower myself is too much work, I go to work, and on my off days I close and lock my door until I go grocery shopping or back to work again
All I can say to you is hang on to the memories even if they are still hurting. Hoping that time will heal us, stay safe
Hi @Spike7, sorry youve had to find this forum. I found it over Christmas and everyone on here is so supportive. Im very lucky and have good family and friends, but like others have said, i hate it when people say im strong, or im doing amazing. They dont see the dark times behind my mask, or the dark circles under my eyes when i say im ok. I guess until you suffer a loss like ours you dont know…
Love to everyone x