Hello. I’m new here. I’m 51. I lost my husband in 2024 to pulmonary fibrosis. He was 56. He was my second chance. I had just 16 years with him. My question is how do you cope after the shock? Everyone goes back to their normal life, they stop asking how I am. I go through the “new me phase”. I gave up my job to start my own business to do something I’m passionate about. Something he encouraged me and believed in me to do, yet I lacked his confidence in me. Now I’m doing it, but ironically it feels empty without him to celebrate the success. I’ve created a new life, found new friends, changed my routine, but I often feel like it means I’m losing him because of it, like I’m trying to forget him. I’m far less likely to show my sadness to close friends and family, because they’re so proud at how I’ve “coped so well and been so strong”. I don’t want to disappoint them or worry about me anymore. I find myself thinking so hard that I can’t sleep, hence writing this at 2am, because I don’t know who to say it to. There’s another level to grief, the long game, accepting that this feeling is forever
Dear Molgin
All I hope is that over time good memories will replace the flash backs and heartbreak I feel when thinking of my wonderful husband. We met when I was 14 and he 16, I’m now 66. Life without him feels impossible but I’m forcing myself to carry on like you.
Our children are coping with their own grief so I try not to burden them with mine, friends have mostly disappeared. I am lucky that I have a sister I can talk too. Is their one friend or family member you could confide in?
Sleeping is hard, more cat napping. I use herbal sleeping tablets and distraction, it helps me not to think when I wake. Either the TV on low volume or boring history for sleep on YouTube on my phone.
I try to do something I enjoy every day. I walk in the park, a game of football with my grandchildren. Today I’m going to Oxford for a few days with our daughter and family. First time away without Stephen. Must admit I’m slightly panicking about it but I’m going to try and have fun with the kids, as Stephen would have.
Time heals they say, I pray they are right.
Hi @Molgin. When I read your story, I thought that you have done a really fantastic job at rebuilding your life, and you should be proud of that. Its easy to think you are therefore leaving your husband behind. I rebuilt my life in a really positive way like you have, since my wife died 4 years ago, and worried about the same thing. What helped me was to always keep in touch with her. I very often chat with her, and make a point of that, telling her of my successes (and failures
), what I’m up to, and everything her dogs have done. When I’m out walking, I sometimes hold her hand (it feels warm
). I like to think she’s telling me how proud she is of me.
Your husband would be telling you how proud of you he is. If the situation was reversed, you would do the same, wouldn’t you.
Keep being proud of yourself, because you deserve it.
There will always be times when emotional memories come, and we have a few tears, but they are a small price to pay.
Be proud, and stay strong through the sad times.
Thanks, I keep telling myself all those things, just some days are worse than others I suppose. Weekends are always the worst. A lot of my friends seem to have backed off a bit. I think this is quite normal according to research, so it’s helped me to make some new friends. New friends don’t find me talking about him so uncomfortable. I talk to him a lot, and the business I’m creating has touches of him all over it, the name, his colours on the logo ect. I absolutely know he would be incredibly proud 
Hi again @Molgin. It does take time, and it’s hard to get through. Like you, I did many things outside the house, but when I was home alone it was very difficult, like weekends, but tortuous in the early evenings when it’s dark and cold. I needed new challenges in the house. So I bought a flute and booked lessons. Who at 78 would decide to learn to play a difficult instrument? I’ve loved every minute! The first holiday was a mixture of tears and memories. I went to all our favourite haunts, I even played her a song on my flute on our favourite beach! I now choose to go to all our other favourite places, and the tears are now a small part. Our two little dogs help a lot!!!
I also enrolled for a mindfulness course, which has helped a huge amount with recognising and coming to terms with those endlessly regurgitating thoughts we struggle to get rid of. All of which takes time. Hang in there
I think you are very inspiring to do what you have done because I am the opposite and wish I could be more like you. When I was younger I was more fit and able to do all sorts. It takes me forever just to do what I have to do.
I’ve always been inspired by my hero, Winnie the Pooh
…
You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think
Good thing to remember about confidence. On good days true.
It’s always true, just a bit more difficult to get started on bad days, a bit like our cars on a frosty morning 