The lose of my brother at 44

I don’t know where to start really. The past week has been an uphill struggle.
Since losing my brother to bowel cancer in September 2020, i seem alot more anxious than normal. My partner doesn’t seem to understand how I’m feeling and seems to yo work harder at our business. I’ve had a few emotional meltdowns this week. The pressure is proving too much. I dream about my brother alot. I cared for him right to the very end. Its impacted on me emotionally and mentally. I feel quite unsupported

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Hi , I understand how you feeling right now I lost my twin sister in December 2020 to breast cancer , at first just got on with things even though I was heart broken i had about 12 weeks off work and then went back I was trying to get back to my own routine , I bottled everything up over the last 12 months I was going to the cemetery nearly every day then we had the bad weather that was when I couldn’t get I started panicking is she ok , I’ve started having counselling I’ve only just started 2 weeks ago I’m also on medication to help me sleep . We know we will always think of them and no one can tell us any different .

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Hi Maria , I’m sorry for the loss of your twin sister. It leaves such a void in our lives. I get where your coming from, we still feel we need to take care of them. It doesn’t feel real sometimes. I could be sat in the car and have this overwhelming sadness was over me and I start to cry. Other times I can function and wotk through it . Not even a year after my brother passed away. I moved out of my parents place. I just couldn’t face the emptiness of passing by his bedroom he had moved into for ten months. I still have flashbacks of caring for him and what I saw. At the time we were on autopilot. This week alone I have struggled to function. I’m praying next week is a big better.

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Hi , have you tried counselling , I’ve just started mine last week my doctors gave me a number , it’s just nice to talk to someone who we don’t know and we can open up to . Maria if you won’t you can always message me private if you won’t to talk

Hi how’s your day been today

Today’s been okay, a few wobbly moments earlier, trying to keep ahead of it. Today at work wasn’t as challenging as I thought it would be. How about you?

Hi , I’m ok I’ve been to the cemetery put fresh flowers on , Claire loved her flowers . I’ve just had my counselling which is helping me a lot I’m not at work at the moment trying to get myself back to normal.

Awww it’s good to be able to visit and place fresh flowers down. It allows you time to reflect and to connect with Claire. I’m pleased to hear counselling is helping. Last year I had my first lot of counselling, it helped me to cope with the feelings of guilt and shock. It’s taken me a while to process it. Just been throwing myself back into work. At the time it seemed the right way to cope in hindsight I should have allowed myself more time

I agree I only had about 10 weeks off after we l lost her , I thought going back to work would n trying to get back to some sort of normal everyday life , then we had our birthday the first with our her, then Christmas came by this time I hadn’t spoken to any one how I felt , that’s when I went back on the sick . I do feel a lot better in my self talking to others who are in the same Position , This time am not rushing back to work till I feel I’m ready and finished mr counselling . Maria

It’s certain times of the year that seem .ore painful, for me it’s Christmas and birthday of my brother. In September it will be almost two years. I still find myself dreaming about him and feeling that huge void in my heart. He was very over protective of me, even in my 30s. I was his little sister. I try to be ok and strong for my parents. Especially in front of them, while privately I come home and cry. At the moment when my partner is out I ask alexa to play some of my brothers songs to have a part of the day I can remember him and cry. It seems nobody really understands and less they have lost someone really close to them. Its like life goes on, we are meant to jump back on the bus and be normal again. It’s like finding a new norm, which seems to take alot longer to do. This morning I’m up early, off to work not feeling it at all. But I got to be ok and to get through each day. I try to find positive in everything I do. And fight them days of feeling down. I hope you have a ok day.

Hi , I feel a bit emotional today , don’t know why , don’t know if it’s because I’ve not been to cemetery as often or just one of them days I’m having , but then it’s the anniversary of Claire’s funeral tomorrow so could be that .

Hi Maria, it’s sounding like the bulid up to the anniversary behind how your feeling today. Them days and reminders remain with us. Never be too hard on yourself, whatever happens today, you will get through it. When I get bad days, I simply write them off and never do more than I can. Sending hugs to you

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Hi I’ve had my face to face counselling was emotional trying to explain things , having to to back to the start I’m hopeful it will help me as I’ve not spoken to anyone for 12 months I feel I’ve got a ton of bricks on my shoulders waiting to Explode , I know it will take time .

I’m sure it will help you just to be able to share them inner thoughts with a stranger. I found my first part of grief counselling challenging at first. I seem to spend the entire three appointments discussing what my brother went through, rather then talking about my own feelings and pain. Eventually it started to change and helped me.

Hi Maria, I hope you are okay?

Hi , I’m ok thanks , I’m going to cemetery soon to have a chat with Claire , I’ve had a quiet. day . I went in to town yesterday first time for months , I’ve not been I did my Christmas shopping online , it was so quiet shops where empty , how are you today

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Hi Maria I’m not too bad having a stable few days, a few tears on Friday. Made it through OK. My nephew made Mr smile yesterday. He’s doing Gcse in music and has decided yo learn how to play the electric guitar. The song He’s learning was one brothers favourites. I heard him play yesterday and it was one of them moments, where I knew my brother would have loved. Could imagine him joining in with the vocals. A Happy and yet sad moment rolled into one. I hope you are ok Maria, how’s your weekend going?

Hi , I’m ok we got through Thursday went to cemetery , I have been going a bit more this week just makes me feel I’m with her . This morning I do feel a bit tearful don’t know why , think I need a good cry but I can’t , have you got any more brothers or sister .

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Hi Maria, bless you, today has been similar in terms of crying. Earlier was put under quite alot of stress by my partner. We run a cleaning service. He’s taken on a caravan cleaning contract which we gave to vlean as many caravans as we can from 9am until dark. Just finished now and it’s nearly 7pm. So stressful and I hate yo admit I’m struggling with the extra work. More so because I’m not emotionally able to cope with any presure, it makes me anxious and tearful. Found myself crying an entire deep clean.

I have another sister she’s sic years older than me and we don’t really get on. How about you? How’s your day been so far?

Hi , I’ve had my counselling didn’t really enjoy it today all we talked about was what I’ve been doing this week , I’m sleeping better and I’m not as much stressed , I’ve. got a step Dad , step brother who we got same Mam and a step sister , we’re al brother and sisters , we are all close , ,my brother moving out soon him and his girlfriend are having a house built. . I’ve been to cemetery more last week just need to be there , Do you go to the cemetery often Since I’ve been off work I’ve had time to release I’ve got to get on with my life , and still think of Claire . We got a lot going on this year , spa day , our Auntie 60th birthday meal , which Claire would be organising , it feels sad that I’m going out enjoy myself with out her .