Hello,
On the 3rd May 2020 at 12.15pm my beautiful 87 year old Mama lost her battle after fighting courageously with end stage COPD and heart failure. She had so many co-morbidities but she was the strongest lady and I’m so blessed to have been one of the people who was holding onto her as she took her final breaths.
Mum was in and out of hospital for the majority of last year, she ended up having to have an oxygen machine at home and slowly became more weaker and struggled even with her walking frame. We celebrated her birthday on Christmas Day and had a Christmas and New Year’s Eve to remember…we knew she was poorly and being told that “every day is a blessing” we wanted it to be special. Mum always pulled through, fought for every breath just as she did right up until the end.
In February this year Mum had already been into hospital twice but mums prognosis came on February 26th that she only had 3-6 months left to live. I couldn’t believe it, I just kept thinking “she will be fine” but deep down I knew that what I saw my mum go through that she was really poorly. We made every day count, talked, made memories, listened to her favourite songs as she lay at home in her hospital bed, she even planned her own funeral. The carers had to take over where myself, sister and dad would help, she was no longer able to get out of bed, that hit her hard because she had always pushed herself. Mum wanted to send everyone in our family a birthday card, I went to buy them for her and we would sit and she would tell me what she wanted to write in and hen she would put her name or mum or nan, one last card for everyone. The day came where she asked dad to help her write my card, I left the room and then I heard her sobbing, I walked in, she was short of breath and crying, she held my hand tightly and said “that was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, I never want to leave you” we just cried and hugged.
By the end of April mum was deteriorating rapidly, the Douglas McMillan nurses administered the syringe driver on Monday 27th April, she was so so tired and just slept, her appetite diminished and 2 days before she died she stopped drinking. On Saturday 2nd May after sleeping next to her for 2 nights I was on my way home to my family, I walked over to her bed, placed my hands around her face and kissed her, we’d always say “love you all the world, all the moon and all the stars” we’d then rub noses scrunching them up and smiling, I said “I love you so much mum, I will be back later” she opened her eyes and weakly said “I love you”…that’s the last time mum opened her eyes and spoke. Early on the Sunday my dad phoned me to say he thought she was going to leave us today, we quickly got down and mum (I believe) wasn’t conscious, the nurses administered her medicine into her syringe driver at 11am. Mum always asked “you will be with me when I go won’t you” of course I will I will always be with you mama…mums secretions we’re bad and at 12.12pm they stopped, she fell silent even though we could clearly see her breathing, 3 minutes after she left us, she took her loved ones hands in Heaven and went home to them. My heart there and then shattered into a million pieces. I was holding onto Mama telling her that we were there with her and how much I loved her.
Mums funeral was 21st May and on July 31st we are able to have her ashes inturned at her resting place. Some days I feel like I’ve dreamt it, I can’t eat properly or sleep, having panic attacks and just miss my mama, I wouldn’t want her to be in any pain but what I’d give to have my precious, best friend, beautiful Mama in a million back here with me. I feel so sad because she will never be present physically to see our little girl grow up. I really really miss her with every breath I take xxx!
Hello, your post as had me in tears, when we are there at the very end it makes it so final but you still want them to be there where the should be. She sounds such a brave lady and from what you wrote I feel I knew her. I am so pleased that she had good nurses making sure she didn’t have pain and I am sure the mind tells the body to start closing down which seems to be what as happened with you mama. You will miss her and life will not be the same without her, somedays will be ok days and then it will hit you again, please look after yourself and and just take each day one at a time. I am pleased that you have posted and I am sure there will many others reading your post, we are always here for you and we all support each other because we all know how it feels. Blessings to you xxx
Thank you so much for replying and your kind sincere words. From the day that Mama passed away to the date when we can lay her ashes to rest it will be 90 days! It’s agonising, painful and heartbreaking.
My mum was one of the most gentle, kind, loving mums ever, as long as everyone around her was smiling and happy then she was happy. Her thought for others came before herself, my dad tells me “your just like your mum not so much in looks but in the same way that she had a put heart of gold” that makes me smile.
Losing mum has changed me so much, I feel guilty for laughing and even smiling, I miss her face, her smile, her voice, her hand holding mine and her kisses. Isn’t it devastating 
truly devastating
Thank you so much for your kind words, they mean so much xxx
11 weeks without my beautiful Mum, we have her ashes internment on the 31st July…that will be a whole 90 days from the day she passed, it’s still so raw and heartbreaking. It’s my daughters 9th birthday on Saturday, a day we always spent with my beautiful mum and every time I think of my little girls birthday I’m in floods of tears because it’s the first birthday without mum here to share this wonderful day. Just miss my Mum so so much and I talk to her all the time. I’ve kept a journal since mum had her prognosis in February And I spend time looking back over the pages and I’m glad I did that so at least I can remember the special times and heartbreaking times. My memory is so bad lately, I mean really bad…both physically and emotionally drained
Hi, first the mental and physical thing is all down to grieving for your mama, so please don’t worry about that, in time you will return to what you can call normal for you. We all suffer and that’s why I tell people to take care and be kind to yourself, grieving takes it toll. I think you should spend all your time this week on making Saturday a very special day not just for your daughter but for you, really all I am saying is use all your time doing things which will occupy both your body and mind. Perhaps by the end of the month things will feel more settled, but right now what you are experiencing is 100% grief and it’s hard and it hurts. We are all different and go through grieving in different ways and to some extent we all have to find a way through it that right for us. If things don’t get any better perhaps think of counselling, it takes a little time to get to see a counsellor, so if you want to, it may be better to start earlier rather than later. Sue Ryder or Cruse are both free, it may be worth thinking about. Keep posting, we are always here and as I say take care. I am thinking of you and your daughter xx
Thank you 
Your right! In so many ways 
I am throwing myself into a lot of craft (as I always make my daughters birthday decorations) and I intend to make it a special day. Before my beautiful Mama died she made sure she had birthday cards for all her family…this was mum and my little project, mum was quite weak and therefore asked me to write what she wanted to say…I know when she said the beautiful words for my daughters card she cried so much; we both did so that’s going to be emotional for all, especially my little girl. I had an assessment with sue Ryder last Friday and have my counselling this Friday so I’m welcoming that and see how it helps me on this grief journey. Thank you for replying, I’m really lonely and I tend to put a face on (which I know we all do) never thought my broken heart would hurt so bad…at least from the 31st July we can go and sit a while with mama at her resting place, lay flowers and be there.
Hi, it’s really good that you have got some counselling and I am sure it will help, just take each small step and don’t try to rush anything. It’s the same as your craft work, if you rush at it, you get it wrong and have to unpick it. Small steps each day and you will get through this trouble time. You are bound to feel lonely you have lost a very treasure person and she isn’t there to talk too or ask questions and get the answers. She must have been a big part of your life and now there’s is this big hole. It takes time for that hole to start to become smaller but it will. It’s a while since my mum went but her memory lives on and I see her both in myself and also my sister who’s birthday is Friday, there will always be your mum around. On a brighter note, I am now off to the hairdresser first time since 12 March so it’s going to be a big job for her and I am not very helpful about what I want her to do. Enjoy your craft things and let the family help you with your grieving. xxx
Hi, before I go to bed just wanted you to know that you and your daughter are being thought off. Please say Happy Birthday in the morning to her, from me and let her know her gran will be smiling down and wishing her a very happy day. S
That’s so very kind of you, thank you for thinking of us I’ve had a lot of crying episodes today, mainly because I keep thinking of the birthdays where my beautiful mum was with us and this is the first without her, the first birthday in the family since mum left us. My daughter hugged me earlier and said “Nannie would want us to smile tomorrow and have a happy day, she will always be with us mummy especially tomorrow so let’s have a lovely day” I just love her and those words from a very nearly 9 year old resonated and she’s right! As hard as it will be and as heartbroken as I feel my little girl will have the best birthday and we will never ever forget mum 
Thank you again for thinking of us xxxx
Your Mum sounds so lovely - my mum died a month ago of heart failure. It’s so hard for us here but I feel mum is with my sister and Dad now. Mum missed my sister so much - she died in 2016. All I can think of is rest in peace and I think my mum has found it now. Sending heartfelt condolences x
Hello I just checked in as I feel so low like I’m weighed down - but I can’t cry and I’m sure it would make me feel better. And lonely - I want my mum xxxx
Sending hugs
It’s so hard and grief feels like the house has fallen onto your chest and you try to take a deep breath but you struggle-so overwhelming
I’ve had a couple of really tough days, felt so rock bottom and I don’t think it’s ever going to leave-I need my mum and feel so sad for all of us who need our beautiful mama’s 
sending huge hugs xxx
Thank you 
You are right it’s so hard - no one can love you like a mum does. So unconditionally. I might need to try some counselling. I hope you are doing ok - big hug back to you x