The loss of my dad / awkward family relationship

Losing a parent
1

My dad passed away from covid-19 on 11th Feb 2021. I have previously posted a lengthy post about this.

My mum and dad split up nine years ago after my mum had had an affair. She was no longer happy and had been trying to salvage their relationship for 10 years prior. My dad was very much set in his ways going to work going to the pub the same thing all the time. Whereas my mum was very young at heart and wanted to do more but instead was pretty much stuck at home raising Their kids cooking cleaning and kind of doing the same thing day in and day out whilst also working a full-time job.

The day she left was extremely hard for all of us but me and my brothers continue to have a relationship with her and it definitely took us time for us to get over what she had done and for things to feel normal again. I think my dad resented Us for keeping a close relationship with my mum after what she done to him. I think he had also painted a bad picture picture of my mom to his friends and family so everyone would turn against her.

They had been together since 1975 married in 1984 and separated in 2012. My dad was heartbroken but was very bitter and angry and could never really get over what she had done.

Luckily my dad found happiness again with his current partner of five years. She was a childhood girlfriend who he went out with for a couple of months at the age of 11. She is a nice woman but we never really had much of a relationship before my dad passed away she was very much her own family and would prefer to spend time with my dad on her own or with her own family going on holidays and for meals we were never really invited. It’s just the way it was. We would see dad at home on the weekends when we would visit.

Since my dad has passed away his partner is obviously devastated but has basically put her own feelings above ours she has told me several times that she and my dad were soulmates and should’ve stayed together from the age of 11. She has also told me that he had always loved her. I don’t know if she’s just trying to make herself feel better by re-writing the past. But the way she is saying things it’s basically making me feel Like my dad never wanted to marry my mum and he wanted to stay with her and me and my brother should’ve never been born. Of course I know the truth and I’m letting these comments go over my head but I just hate that she saying these type of things to me I don’t think she is intending to hurt me but I just wish she would realise It’s not nice.

I hate confrontation and do not want to fall out with anyone. I am planning all the funeral and have kept his partner in the loop with everything. She was annoyed that my mum has gone to see my dad in the chapel of rest and couldn’t understand why she would want to go but to me that was my moms given right. My mum isn’t attending the funeral out of respect for his partner and his family.

I have had to type up my dads eulogy for the celebrant to read at the funeral (31st march) and I did mention my mum‘s name in it but my dad‘s partner has said please do not put mum‘s name in the eulogy as my dad would apparently go mad. Even though I know they did kind of reconcile after they had split up and kept in touch with each other now and again. But the problem is I don’t know what he was telling his partner she seems to think That’s my dad hated my mum which I don’t think it’s true at all. He hated her for what she did but I do think he kind of forgave her in the end.

It’s so hard and I feel like I’m stuck in the middle. I do not want to hurt my dad‘s partner, at the end of the day she was with him the last five years of his life and she loved him and looked after him but then on the other hand I do not want to completely disrespect my mum by not putting her name in his eulogy. I have mentioned that he was married in 1984 to his wife of 28 years and that they raise three children together with lots of good childhood memories. Is this enough am I doing the right thing? It’s such a awkward sticky situation to be in and it’s worrying me so much. I have enough to deal with without this on my conscience. Has anyone been in this type of situation before? I wish I could just not care I’m just do and say as I pleased but I’m really not that type of person. Thank you for reading x

2

Dear Raven Rose,
these things are so difficult.
i was with mu husband for 26 years we were married for 20. . for the last 10 years things were not east double incontinence frustration and the house turned upside down to accomodate his care needs, in November 2019 he needed to go into a nursing home as our tiny cottage could no longer accomodate the equipment and his care needs. he was fairly well from november to March. i saw him everyday we went out for meals and to the theatre.
the nursing home locked down before theofficial date and it could not visit. i phoned him everyday. he found it dfficult to understand why i could not visit.
he the seemed to give up and the home called me to go in. i went in for the next 9 days as he was dying. how ever ‘good’ a death is it is not good for those beside them.
They allowed his daughter my stepdaughter to visit once .
she only ever came when there was a drama.
after he died in April , not from Covid, butcovid restrictions meanr we were onty alollowed 5 at the funeral.
his daughter was the executor with me for the will. due to the ammount of care paid for there was not a lot of money. foolishly mt=y husband had allocated his son and daughter £20000 each . That ammount was was not available so i was onlt allowed the £55.00 pounds that i had paid for the death sertificates. they are soangry at the lch of money. they will not speak or discuss the matter, his first wife is apparently bitter because he gave up alcohol when with me and wants to be the only Grandparent .
i feel very hurt that t- he happy yearsthat we spent are being disregarded.
The Ashes have yet to be buried.
i am worried about them being there . i do not feel that ideserve this hurt along with the grief that i feel at his loss.
sorry for rant
Sueswim

3

Dear @RavenRose,

You sound like a very caring person. I have read your other post as well. First of all I am very sorry for the sudden loss of your dad, I know from experience how hard it is to loose someone who is so important in your life. Your dad was still quite young and he died so suddenly which makes it all so much harder.

On top of all that you are finding yourself in a very tricky situation due to your family situation and I feel for you. Being the eldest in our family myself, I know the responsibility that comes with that. You should be proud of yourself for taking on the funeral arrangements.

I have given your dilemmas some thought and this is my initial response:
Don’t try to please everyone.
Don’t expect it to be perfect.
Keep in mind who the most important person in the funeral is: your dad.
The most important question is: what would he have wanted.

When it comes to the actual service, in my understanding a eulogy is a tribute to the person who has died and there can be more than one. Recently my mother-in-law passed away and there were 2 tributes, one on behalf of the grandchildren and one on behalf of the children, I know from other services I have been to that there can also be a separate life story, just listing all the important events in someone’s life.

Could you have a separate brief life story, read out by the person leading the service, stating the facts like when he was born when he got married, et cetera so that everyone who was part of his life gets mentioned?

Could you make your eulogy your tribute to your dad, describing your (and your siblings) memories of your dad and what he meant to you? You would not need to mention your mum in it.

I think it would be difficult for you to write/speak on behalf of his new partner. Could she write her own tribute, that could be read by either her or someone on behalf of her?

Like you, I am someone who does not like confrontation and likes to please everyone, but sometimes conflict is unavoidable before a solution cam be found.

Your father’s partner is obviously grieving and hurting, but I hope that she understands that she cannot re-write the history of his life, and that you, your mum and your siblings are an important part of that life. Whatever she said he said about you is hear-say so you are right to ignore that.

I hope that things will work out as well as can be and that you will feel supported by your familly and by people on this site.

Jo

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Dear @Sueswim7,

It always makes me feel sad to read how people instead of coming together during a time of grief, turn against each other or make life difficult, especially when it is over money.
I hope that things will improve for you, for your sake and that of the grandchildren.

Jo

5

Hi Jo thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and for taking the time to send such a nice response with lots of good advice.

I have taken on board what you have said and I now realise that I can’t please everyone. All of the plans Are coming together nicely now.

I have written a eulogy about his life which is what the celebrant is going to read out and it basically goes from his birth through to his adult hood Stating facts about him and some funny stories. I have then written my own tribute which is from me and my two brothers talking about how much we will miss him and how hard it’s been to lose him with a bit of our childhood memories mixed in.

My dad’s partner is generally a nice lady but I think she’s really struggling at the moment as we all are.
I don’t think she can see past her own personal feelings as well as her own grief. I have kept her informed of all the plans and asked for her advice on things so there will be absolutely no surprises on the day. We have genuinely been so kind to her she has stayed at my dad’s house since he passed away as we know it’s hard for her to leave straight away. She is coming in one of the funeral cars and has put a poem in the order of service. I’ve also been really nice about her in his eulogy. I don’t want any bad vibes or hate. Her own opinion about my mum and what my mum did to my dad. But that was years ago and me and my brothers love my mum Unconditionally.

There hasn’t really been any arguments it’s just those small digs that get said in conversations and then I ponder over them and overthink things. My head has been spinning and emotions have been running high but I think I’ve gained some better perspective now. I am just hoping the day runs smoothly which I’m sure it will.

My dad didn’t have much money and didn’t own his house so Fingers crossed there won’t be any arguments over what little money he does have Left over from his life insurance. He didn’t have a will but whatever money is left automatically goes to my mum as he is surviving spouse and legal next of kin. But she has assured me that’s the money will be transferred over to me and we will be split equally between me and my two brothers and his two grandchildren because I know that’s what he would’ve wanted to support us with our future and any payments for the funeral.

It’s such a hard position to be in. My dad’s partner was with him for five years and he’s absolute rock so I don’t want to step on her toes but to be honest we didn’t have much of a relationship before my dad passed away but now it seems we’ve got a bit closer as we have both lost team and we want to support each other. I consider peoples feelings before I say things but she is quite open and outspoken and doesn’t really consider what she’s saying and how it will hurt other people. I’m not sure if this is on purpose or if it’s just how she is.

I’m sure months down the line we will drift apart which is a shame but it’s just too awkward as she really doesn’t like my mum and I’m not going to stop speaking to my mum.

Hope you are well Jo I hope we can speak again
Thank You so much

Raven Rose x

6

Hi Raven Rose,

I am so pleased for you that things have gone better than expected and that your plans are coming together nicely without arguments.

Its good that you are keeping your dad’s partner informed in all the plans and that you have got a bit closer to her. I assume that she has no place of her own, so this must be a very uncertain time for her and it is kind that you allow her to stay at your dad’s place for the time being.

Keep being kind to yourself and remember all the good times with your dad.

Jo