The Loss of my husband

Trying to get through life and its problems without my husband is so hard. It is 10 weeks since he died. I feel as if it was yesterday but yet it seems such a long time since I have seen him and I miss him tremendously. The loneliness is unberable and I find myself searching for someone to talk to and I feel like im in this merry go round of constant crying complaining and being generally down and helpless. Its awfull and I am struggling to find a way out of this. I don’t want to bother anybody but yet sometimes I think maybe others are fed up of me being like this even though they don’t say. Its probably in my mind as I am so fed up with myself. I feel life is empty and doesn’t offer anything to me anymore. I wonder if I will every feel contentment or happiness again. Its pathetic really but that is how I feel. My husband died of cancer. I nursed him until the end and I am so glad I did even though it was so traumatic and I do this it has had a lasting effect on my mental healt. I don’t regret helping him and looking after him at all. I wanted to be with him until he died. I just miss him so bad and the sadness is never ending. I just wondered if anyone else felt the same or is it just me who is grieving in this way.

Hello Eileen,
You are not alone. I lost my lovely husband who died of cystic fibrosis in April (9 months ago yesterday). I feel exactly the same way. Having grown up with hubby since I was 15 I am left totally devastated by the loss of him. I’ve cried so many tears and still cry every day. The world is a different place without him. I try to keep busy especially when the tears come and I’m trying to remember all the good times we had before oxygen. I know I will miss him for the rest of my life but know that somehow we have to find a way to live as that’s what they would want. I’m sending you a huge hug x

Hi. eileen.
Never say or think you are alone or the only one to feel that way. Everyone on here has varieties of pain. We all grieve in our own way, but a common thread binds us all together. LOSS! There is no way we can alter that or bring back the past.
But 10 weeks is so little time to expect you to be any different than you are, Grief is a process given by nature to allow us to feel emotions. A safety valve. That’s why it’s so important to express feelings and emotions. No bottling up. I know how difficult it is and to feel embarrassed when we burst into tears with people around.
There are plenty of people who can talk to you, But I have found few who will listen or have empathy.
On here it’s so different, We all know and understand. You say you are struggling to find a way out. Don’t struggle to ‘get rid of it’. It can increase anxiety. Try, just try to go with it. Let the emotions and feelings come as hard as it may feel.
Pathetic!!!? Oh no!! If you are then we all are. Don’t put yourself down. If some people are fed up with you, (yes it may all be in your mind), then avoid those.
At this stage of bereavement I always feel words are so inadequate. We can write and encourage you and try and help, but in the end grief is a lonely business. You can and will survive, we all do. But give it time.
Take care and look after yourself. Try and eat properly. It’s so easy in grief to neglect oneself. Come back and talk to us. We are all pulling together in the hope of better times. Blessings. John.

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Thank you so much for your kind words. Im so sorry about the loss of your husband. It is so hard to express how you feel to others who haven’t gone through the same trauma. I know that you understand and I thank you for replying. It is always good to know that people are with you even though we don’t know each other. Thanks for the hug and im returning one to you x

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Hi Jonathan 123. Thanks for your comments. I do feel on my own most of the time. I do have a great family and lovely friends but they don’t live near. Hence I am selling my house and moving closer to them. But it does take time. I will take your advice and try not to bottle things up. But I think sometimes it must annoy others as you keep being upset and they think you should just get over it. People on here have been through the same or similar situations and so understand much more. I am suffering anxiety and got some tablets from the doctors and they have helped too. Thanks for taking the time to reply . God bless you too

Eileen, our loss was similar so I quite understand how you feel as I nursed my husband single handed until the end. We wanted it no other way but the tole it takes out of you watching someone you love die is so mentally and physically exhausting and we doubt ourselves afterwards. Like you I felt as if I wasn’t worth bothering with, that my sadness made me bad company, so I couldn’t cope with being in groups but if you think you are annoying people then keep away from them as they are not true friends. You will always find a sympathetic ear on the forum as we all understand exactly what you are going through.
I am now just over a year along that long road and finding that I am beginning to raise my head and acknowledge people, and my confidence is returning slowly. I can see the real me slowly returning. Some of us look for that light and it does start to appear. Anxiety I’m afraid is part of grief and there is sadly no quick permanent fix. We must grieve and it will be slow and heartbreaking but isn’t that because we have had such love in our life.
Take care
xxxx

I agree with everything you say. It sounds so familiar what you went through. My husband died ov 3 months after diagnosis with cancer which had spread to numerous areas of his body including his bones in his back. He was in agony and so was on very strong pain relief which made him sleep and sleep. So the last 5 or 6 weeks were horrendous and I watched my man lose so much weight and was so poorly and frail. I still relive it in my mind and it just kills me. The only concelation is that I cared for him at home until the end. I am slowly getting better at being on my own without him but I still cry every day . I miss the companionship and hate the emptiness. Im luck though I have a lovely dog which we both loved so much and she is good company and I take her out for walks which is good for both of us. Thanks for listening

Hello, eileen,
I just want you to know that I feel so sorry, that your husband has passed away, I too am on my own with our dog. We were married for 59 years. Stan died very suddenly, although he hadn’t been well for some time, I together with our 2 children who are in their 50s now never expected him to die.
Be kind to yourself,
Blessings,
MaryL x

am sorry for your loss you are in the early stages of this period of adjustment and so hard to find your way, I joined the Way Up widow group which is all over the country and such a lovely group who understand what we are going through, we go for holidays, meals, outings and some do not join for quite a while when they feel they are ready they are most welcome, its the loneliness that is the worst but without this group and making so many lovely friends not sure where I would be.

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Hi again Eileen, I am just beginning to join into group activity but it has taken time. Don’t rush just take your time and when it feel right then you won’t have to worry about the company you are with. Some of the people I meet up with are also grieving and I’m not sure that I will want to meet these people for ever as I want to branch out and get away from grief but again, that will come when I am ready.
I also have two dogs that have been my saviour. They make me laugh when I feel miserable, they greet me with such love, they take me for long walks into the countryside, they are a true blessing.
Pat xxx

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Thankyou so much for your kind thoughts, and so sorry that you have lost your hubby. Being on your own after so many years together is so hard. So glad that you have your children for comfort as well as your dog. Walking and getting out is good. xx

I go to an exercise class and have done for 4 years. I meet people there and we have a coffee and chat. I love that and it gets me out for a couple of hours. I aim to keep it up cause it does help. As you say the lonliness is terrible so it is good to get out and about xx

Sometimes I get a bit overwhelmed if im in a crowded place and I have to get out. I know it is just anxiety. I do go to a class where I know a few people and that is easier for me. I know what you mean about grieving. Sometimes when I read some of the stories on here about peoples loss it makes me more sad than before. But I know it is good for people to write down their feelings and it helps them. Bless all of you xx

Hi Eileen
It is a lonely time, full of despair in the the early days/weeks/months. Its been nearly three years now since my wife passed, though it doesnt feel that long!. I still miss her like crazy, but i know we will be together again one day.
Ive been lucky enough to have had connections with her from time to time. A little while ago, i had a vivid dream, where i was looking down on a country lane, the verges covered in wild Cowparsley, and buttercups, the meadows bright green, the lane led to a small wooded copse. I entered the copse, bright sunlight streaming through the trees. There she was, standing there, arms out stretched, with my parents, and late relatives, standing behind in the glare of the sun beams, chattering. She was fit and well again, not riddled with disease.
She told me, we will be together again, but i must travel this lane. Each day that passes, is another day closer to the copse, to try and enjoy every day of the journey. Your never really lonely, as the big man, has supplied us all with his comforts. Open the back door, what do you see, hear? Birds, animals, insects, trees, flowers, be in touch with nature and all its glory.
So, i have. Love the outdoors, become an amateur wildlife photographer, go for long walks in the country in all weathers! And i know when the big man eventually punches my ticket and asks me aboard i will be reunited again.
Keep yourself busy, life does get a little easier as time goes by, but you can never forget, and wouldnt want to. They dont want us to be unhappy, just have to try and live up to there expectaions. …Love John

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Lovely story John, I also have had many visitation’s from my husband and in them he has always been fit and well. The last one his face had a glow about it.
I am so pleased that you have found joy in nature and photography. I have always maintained that the beauty of the countryside and nature is very therapeutic. My husband and I were Ramblers and I have continued with this interest and with my beloved dogs I walk everyday and wait for the weather to improve so that I can branch out further, I am lucky to live in a wonderful area for walking. My husband was a very keen photographer as was I also and I hope to one day feel able to take up a camera again.
Kind and wise words indeed.
Pat xxx

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Yes indeed. Thanks John.
What a lovely heartwarming post. It was so much more than a dream. A visual promise of what’s to come. Dreams are a way our loved ones can communicate, and when it happens it should be seen for what it is. In Sanskrit, an ancient, language, there is no word for God. But the phrase ‘something is happening’ is used. Something is sure happening when you have dreams like that.
Nature can help the healing process. My wife was an artist and loved the countryside. Take care and thank you again for such a lovely post. John.

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Bless your heart … I felt exactly the same. I still do to a degree after nine months … I still cry every day … I miss my husband and both my sons so much … it’s so quiet and so tidy. I know I’m lucky to have had my husband for 43 1/2 years … wasn’t king enough! But nothing would have been long enough.

I have just started trying to help myself a little bit … no one else can do it for me can they.

Hugs from me to you, Sue x

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I feel the same as you my husband had cancer and i nursed him to the end.I cannot get out of my mind watching him takes his last breaths and saying to me a few hours before i am dying.It haunts me eveyday

Hi Brennan

It’s a terrible feeling watching them fade away isn’t it. All my husband was worried about was leaving me alone without all of them. It’s such a cruel disease… I hate it so much.

I hope you are doing a bit better hun … it’s hard I know… one day at a time sometimes one hour at a time is all we can do. I still can’t believe all this has happened really.

Take care of you if you … I’m here any time. Love from Sue xx