The next 30 years

My wife was ten years older than me when she passed away from secondary breast cancer at the age 65 last December. As a family we had cared for her at home and she died while my daughter and I were holding her hands.
I am scared about the future . I feel so alone. Its been hard especially with covid restrictions not being allowed to hug anyone.
I am going back to work but coming home is hard when no one here to ask howcyour day went.

1 Like

I understand exactly how you are feeling - my husband died unexpectedly at the age of 50 just three weeks ago. I too have two adult children. Having the future that you planned taken away and not knowing how to get through without your soulmate is something I wouldn’t wish on anybody but at least here you will find people who do really understand. Sending hugs.

1 Like

Hello, I am sorry about your wife and being together for 30 years, life is hard and difficult without that special person. I always say, it doesn’t matter how long you have been together it’s never long enough when they have gone. I too found coming back to an empty house one of those hard things and our son said get a cat or dog. Well I got a cat, sorry that’s wrong, she got me, she chose me and it does make a big difference knowing that when I open the door, there’s someone/something waiting for me. I know it’s not for everyone and I waited until I knew I was ready. It’s just a thought.
The covid restrictions have been horrible and I personally can’t wait for most of them to go but also feel we will not get rid of them all. Hugs and just that touch makes such a difference, I am sending you lots of virtual hugs and I hope you can feel them, I don’t do that for everyone :smiling_face_with_three_hearts: take care and know it will get better and your wife would be very proud of the way you are dealing with your new life.

1 Like

Hello @Minder,

I’m sorry that your wife has died, before it happens to you, you think it would be the most awful thing but it’s even worse than that isn’t it.

My husband died. The future is absolutely terrifying. I used to be afraid to die but now I am much more afraid to live.

Where will I Iive? What do I do with a pneumatic drill. Can I bear to part with our house, the only thing we made together. Can I bear to live in that house where his death so suddenly unfolded and where it is packed with memories and things I cannot bear to move. Can I learn to be strong enough to live there alone, can I learn to drive, how do I turn the gas off, can I look after the cats on my own, what will I do with what now seems like endless time. What if I get ill. No one will notice if I die. I can’t go to any places we used to love so how will I go anywhere. What will I do if the horrible neighbours attack me, no one will hear me scream or care. Can I survive in the house with one wage. Can I get my act together to keep my job, if I go somewhere and don’t come back who would know. There will be no one waiting to pick me up outside work, how will I get home. All my hobbies are not fun without him as they were our hobbies… Did I only like all this stuff coz I loved him. What do I like eating what do I like doing what do I think… I don’t know anymore. Everything used to be so clear to me, in fact I felt like I made a lot of decisions and he helped me put them into reality but now my own mind is not even around without him.
When my mum dies who will comfort me. If I need to move a plant pot well I just can’t lift it so thats it, will everything have to stay where he left it and I live amongst the wreckage of our lives in the rubble left miserably until I finally die in 30 years of some long painful cancer with no one by my side. How long until someone discovers my body, will there be anyone at my funeral or to carry out my wish to have my ashes mixed with his. Will I ever get the guts to pick up his ashes.

It’s endless isn’t it and only leads to trouble. The future I was happily looking forward to now feels like a curse.

I’m sorry for all of us who have had our futures shattered and live amongst the shards trying to find out who we now are… I think work may help if you are ready for it because at least all the nonsense of a job distracts us from this real stuff. My therapist says if you don’t know the answer distract yourself until your subconscious thinks of an answer, it could be hours days weeks or more… Almost 6 months for me and my subconscious hasn’t got very far yet but there has been small progress. Take care.

6 Likes

I am so sorry that you are going through this pain, my wife had been battling secondary breast cancer for nine years, she had chemo every three weeks but she kept on with lfe, to look at her you would have thought she was fit as a fiddle, at home she never told me that she felt ill, so life carried on, in my mind I thought she could live out me, then covid, it was over in two weeks, I went back to work straight away as I did not know how to handle anything, I still don’t but work was my normal, the going home is the nightmare no wife to talk to no wife to bleet about your day no wife to feel that what you do through the day it is worth it for our home pleasure. Coming home is still my nightmare tears heart ache, pain, but it is home our home the one we bought and put together. That’s why coming home hurts so much it is still our nest

4 Likes

Hi there Minder
I’m afraid fear seems to be one of the many emotions that we have to go through. I was almost relieved when I discovered that just about everyone that has lost a close loved one feels exactly the same. I have no idea why we have to go through such a fearful time and I am over two years along this road. I do know that little by little things do start to slip into place in our muddled heads.

FleurDeLis has written a long list and what a list it is but I can relate to every one of her worries. Some of them I have sorted. So don’t rush yourself and try not to dwell on the future too much. Concentrate on keeping yourself as well as possible.
I have had my dogs to hug and welcome me so feel lucky to have them.
xxx

2 Likes

You know I thought I was going mad in the early days of my loss. So many worries, just like yours, every one of them. My biggest worry and still is. What if something happens to me, who will find my dogs and then the list goes on and on. Slowly we do start to get through our fears though.
Take care

2 Likes

Dear @FleurDeLis,
Eventually there will come a time when you will takw control of your life again.

Its good that you ask all those questions and probably writing them down takes them out of mind. But please let them go. As you yourself have advised others, be kinder to yourself, just take a day, hour, minute at a time.

You are still recovering from the shock you experienced on losing your husband and the manner in which he passed.

I know how you feel, its 10 months for me, but things are getting a little better.

My Beloved Marcial is so missed and i mourn him dreadfully but i know he would want me to live my best life possible. I will honour that in his memory eventually.

Just remember, no one can predict
whats waiting around the corner.

Take care virtual hugs, Margarita

1 Like