The pain and the guilt

The pain and the guilt of being alive when your child isn’t just goes on. Facing another day with that ache in your heart. He loved life, I don’t. Why am I here and he isn’t…

Oh Orchard, I am so sorry. I can relate to the feelings you describe. I ask “How can I enjoy a sunset, a beautiful day, a song, when she cannot?” I feel I do not deserve to enjoy life either. She was the better person. She is the one who lost her young life to cancer, and everything loses meaning without her to share it with. Like your son, my Sister loved life and lived it with enthusiasm. She appreciated the smallest things. I wish I had an answer as to “why are we here and they are not.” I hear there is a “bigger picture.” I am told we have a mission, an “obligation” to carry on in their memory. There is a reason we were left behind and they would not want us to spend our time here in pain & suffering. I try to hold on to that concept, but some days it is not enough. The void is just too large, and I am aware of it every moment. I wish I could offer more, but I am always here to listen and support you.
Take care of yourself, and never forget what a wonderful Mother you are to your children. Your son was a testament to that. Xxxx, Sister2

Hello sister 2, that is the most beautiful message to receive, thank you. You have a wonderful way with words and your empathy with others shines. I know I owe it to my daughter to make life as good for her as I can and I do want to share her experiences. But part of me aches for my son too. He was such a lovely young man. When we handed the money raised to one of the charities a representative said to me that the room was just full of love for my son. He had tears in his eyes. Do you work at helping people sister 2? You would be wonderful at it. I’m so sorry you have this pain in your life too xx

Dear Orchard, I hope you are finding some moments of peace this weekend. Your kind words lifted my spirits, thank you. You are very insightful, yes I do work in the helping field. I am in the Mental Health sector as a Group Facilitator (mostly, but the job ask me to wear many hats). I speak from the heart when I post to my fellow grievers here on the forum. So many people here (and that includes you) have been there for me since my devastating loss, therefore I want to give back whenever I can. It amazes me how just a few supportive words can make such a difference to one who is in the depths of despair. Your son is guiding you & your daughter, and the fund raiser is his legacy. He touched so many lives, but none more deeply than yours, the Mother who carried him and loves him with her entire being. I value everyone on this site, and I am so thankful we found each other. Our losses may vary, but or grief is universal. I am here to listen any time (day or night, I do not sleep any more). Xxx, Sister2

Dear Orchard, I know how you feel, I miss my beautiful son as much as you obviously miss yours. I have lost my faith because of his suffering and loss and now know I can only find the strength within myself to cope with this.
Counselling, and it has been intensive, has saved me when at times I didn’t want to be here anymore. Life isn’t going to ever be the same but every time I feel I am overwhelmed I think of the courage, dignity and strength he showed during those six years prior to his death. The love he generated amongst his friends and family lives on and I take pride in how special he was to so many.
It is hard not to focus on the last awful days of my son’s life, but by thinking of all the happy, positive times instead quells the overriding bitterness and anger that threatens to suffocate the bereaved.

Dear Belle, thank you for your message. I’m sorry you to are on this journey of pain, grief and longing. I feel as mother’s a part of us dies with our children. Do we are no longer living as complete people. We have to find a way of living with broken hearts and a peace missing. I look to others who are further on the journey and take hope from them that there is a way. I think we will have to search harder for joy and peace in our lives, it won’t come to us. I hope we all find the strength to keep going…x

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