The pain of remembrance

Today I went to the Family and Friends remembrance day at the hospice where my husband died. It was the first time I had been back there since he passed away 8 months ago, and although the Chaplains service was really nice, and there were several little remembrance activities (such as lighting a candle), I was really upset and crying. In fact I find that I can’t hold back the tears when anyone talks about him. I know that It’s still early days for me, but I did think that I was starting to move on a bit, and that things were starting to get a bit easier. Just goes to show how wrong you can be x

Hi. They have something similar at our parish church and I’ve received an invitation to go next week. I’ve decided not to go though as I know I will break down. Last year I went to the Remembrance service in November and it was a huge mistake - I just cried all the way through - I couldn’t get out fast enough so I know exactly what you mean. It’s now been 16 months since my wonderful husband passed away so suddenly and I can now talk about it / him without crying. Having said that, I still cry uncontrollably without warning. I think I always will. Much love xx

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Jane, is it okay if I give you a virtual (((((hug))))) and you too, Kate?

Jane, the fact that some tears were triggered for you, does not mean that you haven’t moved forward. Tears, even big ones, in my experience are a part of this enormous wound, and of proceeding through this life with it - even when you’ve had times of feeling relatively okay.

Back in April, when I was about 16 months in, I had a huge dip and felt that this meant I had made no progress at all. I’ve been feeling a bit worse again for a few weeks, hence coming on here. I know now that the hard times don’t mean we haven’t experienced any progress, they are just par for the course.

Lots of love,

Louise xo

All hugs gratefully received, virtual or otherwise. Thank you Louise xx

Thank you so much for your kind words, Louise.( And the hug.) I will remember them next time I am feeling a bit low. Jayne xx

Hi Everyone

Today has been a day of remembrance for me too. My husband Geoff died a year ago today and so did our best friend Brian. This morning when I turned on my phone there were so many messages from friends and family all saying they were thinking of me. It was lovely to know people cared and loved Geoff enough to remember.

I went to the cemetary with my sons where we placed some red roses. I have spent this afternoon reminiscing with my brother in law. This evening I will light a candle and send a donation to charity in his name. I will then feel as though I have done what I can in honour of my husband.

Today has gone well, better than expected - now I have to get through my Wedding Anniversary on Friday and my Birthday next week.

We never know when the grief tsunami will hit us again and so we have to be grateful for those days when we feel stronger and are able to cope.

Thinking of all on this site and wishing you peace.

Yvonne

You brave, strong girl Yvonne. Your Geoff would be very proud of you for making the day go as well as it did. Big hugs xx

Thank you Kate

It must be the season for Remembrance Services. I’ve just got an invitation today and just thinking about it reduced me to tears. The date is just 13 weeks after my wife died and whilst I’m trying to push myself to do new things that is just off the scale. Maybe next year. I’m a humanist and so my contact with churches is minimal but raw emotion is nothing to do with church and it would be just the same wherever such a gathering too place. My wife was a big part of the church community and her service of remembrance was held there. She also worked in the cafe there. Lots of friends from the church have been in touch and I’m grateful for that but, although it feels like I’m being disloyal to my wife, I just can’t do it yet. I actually went back to the church for a meeting of the History Society just four weeks ago and I sat very close to where I sat on the day of the service but that was manageable, or I just coped. No tears and just a measured calm that evening.

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It is indeed the season for Remembrance services - 31st October is All Hallows’ Eve.

As “Halloween” though, it has been almost totally hijacked as a secular, faux-spooky, Americanised party time.

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