Today I couldn’t stop crying. Wanted to do some gardening or go for a walk but hadn’t the energy to do so.
In the end I went to a small room that was built at the end of my husbands studio, a selection of his paintings line the walls as a gallery.
It was only like that for his last summer and though he had dementia he simply loved it, taking pleasure in looking at paintings he no longer had the capacity to do.
We would sit in there with a glass of wine each in companionable silence.
I sat there and cried until there was a possibility of the room being flooded!
Yet I realised I felt nearer to him there than anywhere else. I could touch the surface of the paintings and know he had touched them with love and such skill.
It seemed just the right place to be when darkness falls over the mind.
Soon it will be a year but
I don’t want to remember his final pain but the pleasure he took in his paintings and hearing the laughter with our son and his dogs.
Now I know I can go into that room close my eyes and have glimpses of how he used to be as clearly as though he were sitting just next to me.
I am so fortunate, so very fortunate in that respect as I can close my eyes and it can seem we are together again.
What a lovely post ,I love to sit and think about stuff we did, walking the dog, going into town to mooch about, we just enjoyed simple shared pleasures. I find it hard that he is not hereto do simple things such as changing light bulbs ,jet washing the drive and I feel so much satisfaction that he would be proud of me learning to do so may DIY jobs
It us now 15 weeks since I lost my husband of nearly 47 years . I have got through his funeral the scattering of his ashes on our 47th wedding anniversary 3 weeks ago and a weekend away with my daughter . But now I feel so lost and lonely even though friends and family are there for me . I cry every single day and feel worse than I felt when he died . I try to keep a brave face on when the girls are here but fall apart when they aren’t . Life is so cruel I am only 65 and have to face our retirement without him by my side . He was only 66 . Feel need to move forward after this time but how ?
Gillyb, it is still so recent for you.
My husband died ten months ago, thought I was getting on well but yesterday I wept for no known reason, it just happens out of the blue.
On my own and it just suddenly hit hard.
We put on a brave face to others but something has to give, a release valve.
Let the tears flow they are nothing to be ashamed of and do things as and when you feel you want to.
I joined a Tai chi class met some lovely people and found I laughed without thinking then felt guilty for doing so until I realised my husband wouldn’t have wanted me to feel that way.
There’s no time limit on grief.
Hugs to you.
Gillyb I too lost my husband of 46 years married for 42 it is 6 months ago now. It’s still surreal, I too put on a brave face, when my children ask how I am, I’m devastated, but a small light is immerging, for me. I still cry, especially if anyone shows me any kindness. I make myself go out meet people, I have joined clubs, but I think at the moment I’m doing it to fill time. The best thing I did was join the local Ramblers, the fresh air, the countryside and of course the people were very kind, a lot of people too are on their own, you’ll soon strike up conversations and make friends, and look forward to the next walk. It has worked for me.
I’m still feeling sadness when I come home, but don’t cry anymore when I come home. It’s my sanctuary.
It is early days, just go with the flow, cry if you wish, poor over photos, write a journal to him, pour out your feeling it does help. Looking back on my journal, I can see progress bring made.
Also get on the ‘Way Up’ web site, it does help reading about other peoples progress.
They also have meet ups, which I have been to mix with people who truly understand.
It’s hard this life we never chose, but TRY to keep busy and get out to meet people.
I went to a coffee shop on my own last week, so hard to do, but I got through. Small steps, don’t look too far ahead. Xx
Thank you davidmybeloved and 12remember the advice and support given on here is so helpful and reminds me of the pain other people are also going through . Myself and my Les played golf and made some wonderful friends who are helping to keep me going as I still play about once or twice a week . So I am still meeting and being with people but it is hard as everywhere I am I see couples ! The worse times are the evenings when everyone is at home and we have to face the end of the day alone with nobody to discuss the day with . I did begin to feel stronger but feel I have taken a step backwards now . Hope to find my inner strength and move forwards a step or two as I am usually a positive and strong person .
I often feel I go forward six steps and back five!
My mantra is I am a strong capable person and can do this.
Know what you mean about when the door is closed at the start of an evening alone and there’s no one to discuss the day with. Now I make sure I have a project on the go whether it’s making something or baking a few meals for the freezer. Anything to keep me occupied.
Hi, I am a member of the local Ramblers, have been for years and agree with you it is a good idea to join. All people with the same idea to keep fit and enjoy the countryside and very easy ti mix. It should be prescribed by GP#s instead of pills. Unfortunately I can’t do it as I would like anymore as my husband was a walks leader and I find it hard. Some of the members are not comfortable with me, I can tell and I’m not strong enough to cope with this at present. I also now have my dogs and as they have to be kept on a lead when out with the Ramblers and they are used to being off lead when out, they are a bit confused. So for now I keep to walking on my own most of the time. Nevertheless I can recommend joining some form of walking group. Some area’s have ‘Health walks’ which might be easier for beginners.
xxx
That room will give you great comfort. Brian was also a painter and I have his paintings all over the house. I like your idea of touching them and will be doing that from now on. I have ten of them in the living room and six of them I can see clearly. I look at them all the time. In the bedroom I can see five and find myself staring at them and remembering when he would show me a new painting for the first time.
I’m so sorry your struggling lately. I’m having the same problems. Some days are such rubbish although I’m trying so hard.
I do so agree with closing your eyes and they are with you. I do this all the time. When out walking I put out my hand for him to take hold and be with me.
When Brian was painting he would put on headphones and listen to music. When I came in I would shout out but he never heard me calling to him. I still call his name and even give his (now disconnected) phone a call and have a conversation as I did before.
Pat xxx
How are you doing this latter end of the week. For me it stinks nothing seems to be going to plan and it is throwing me. Like you I make sure I am kept occupied and also prepare meals, I freeze veg and fruit also from the allotment and preparation can pass a few hours. I walk miles and spend hours at the allotment until I am exhausted some days and struggle home.
I also keep telling ,myself I will come through this as I am a strong, independent person and used to think I was capable but strongly having doubts at the moment.
Take care
Pat xxx
Hi Pattidot
For some reason not so good at the moment I’m afraid.
I’m sure things will improve but however much I do I still feel so alone.
Think because I always had to organise everything and cope with all that went with dementia for years, now I’m feeling a little lost.
I keep repeating, I am a strong independent person in my own right and shall get through this awful time.
I hope things improve for you as well.
Keep struggling on!
X
Recently it was said that we lose our sense of purpose and I feel that is exactly it. We are lost, we don’t have our loved ones to care about anymore. We are floundering and haven’t a clue which way to go. All my little problems this week are no more than silly complications that wouldn’t have bothered me at one time. But with no one to talk to we feel as if we are climbing a mountain and constantly slipping backwards.
I also hang onto that thought that I will get through this and one day will feel happiness again. It won’t be for the wont of trying.
Pat xx
2 delightful posts, thank you for sharing. Love, MaryL