The shock had passed

The shock had passed and now is this dull constant void
At the moment I am in Texas with a daughter and her family. It is nice to be here but it feels so strange without my Jack

I look around and looking fr goes on everything keeps moving forward and he isn’t here to see it all.

I am so tired of making the effort to live without him, I am tired of trying to create this new life a life that I didn’t ask for

I have been doing some cross stitch and that’s been therapy for me every stitch is a tear, a drop of anxiety and a sign of how lonely I feel

I still feel numb and frozen and today is a bit difficult to be positive

Sadie

Hi Sadie, I know just how you feel, I’m currently in Spain with my daughter, her husband and 2 of their friends and trying so hard to make the effort to join in and be ‘fun’ when I actually just feel empty inside and exhausted.

I suppose we are luckier than most as we have family who are happy for us to join them, but it just isn’t enough is it when the one person you really want is missing. However, although this is hard, I’m also dreading going home.

Try to enjoy yourself who knows, if we keep pretending one day it might be a reality. X

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Hi Sadie. I think you are stronger than you think. Just travelling to Texas sounds like a major decision to me. We travelled a lot but now without Brian I couldn’t bear the idea of getting on a plane as you have. I am full of admiration.
For me I don’t try to make a new life and don’t make an effort. I let life come to me. I haven’t rushed out to join clubs or meet up with people etc. I don’t dread the weekends or the Bank holidays as it’s just another day and I don’t crave the company of other people. I am grateful when I have a visit or a chat with a friend, I am not solitary, not shy and can converse easily but I am trying hard to just like myself as I have changed so much and don’t really recognise me, or like myself much now. I do look for things that give me pleasure and treasure these moments now. Simple things will do it. I am managing to smile much more now and hope give the impression of being more approachable. I still cry and suffer the pain of loss the same as everybody else but don’t want to be like this permanently and look forward to those moments when the light appears from time to time.
If I didn’t grieve then it would mean I hadn’t loved him so much.
I will have to try cross stitch but I am useless, but your pleasure in doing it is good, so that’s a start. Think of every tear as being a tear of love.
Good luck to you Sadie and don’t wear yourself out trying too hard. Just see what each day brings and enjoy your time with your family.

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Hi Pat
I am not good on cross stitch either but it helps to calm my mind to find peace with in

Like you I don’t want a new life but a new life is coming to me. A couple years ago Jack and I had decided to move closer to one of our daughters. We didn’t had a time table - a couple weeks ago a house just across the road was put on the market - and I went for it. It felt natural and right and I think that Jack’s hand was/is behind it. I felt I couldn’t say to the owners please wait a minute until I am ready.
Do I feel concerned about the change? Not yet, because I know Jack wanted me to do this
Is it hard to leave my house now ? Yes - but Jack is with me all the time and our memories are in my heart

So as I said I don’t want to change my life but life is guiding me or shall I say Jack is guiding me

Hope your weekend is going ok. Today my daughter 's family and I went to visit some friends that live by a lake. It was so soothing, so calming and I felt Jack there with me
My 2 little grandchildren 5 and 7 are so loving tha I feel the power of their love bathe my soul that is so tired bruised and hurt

Lots of love

Sadie x

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I’m exactly like you Pattidot

Hi Shel - enjoy Spain
For me it doesn’t feel like a holiday I am just visiting my daughter

I think it will be always like this, we will have moments of joy and the void it is just there and this void takes the excitement and enthusiasm of everything and in a he has nd we will get used to it

And yes we are lucky to have family that want us around in their life bed

Take care
Sadie xx

Hi again Sadie. That house coming on the market was meant to be. I am sure Jack had a hand in it as you had both already planned this. I would be so comforted. I have thought about moving but can’t be bothered with it at the moment and feel certain that if it is meant to be it will happen and Brian will be giving his blessing. So I wait.
I love having my grandkids to stay as I can talk openly about Brian. It’s as if he’s here with us. I can’t talk like it to anyone else. There’s no sadness it’s all so natural.

The lake would be calming I find my walking very therapeutic being alone with nature.

I like your thinking. Life is guiding you. That’s exactly how I will be thinking of my life from now on. Brian has come to me on many occasions when I have been worried or having a problem. It’s uncanny so I will leave it to him to help me. Although he did dislike change Therefore I don’t think I will be doing anything mind blowing.
Good luck to you

Pat xx

Hi Pat, maybe Brian didn’t like change for you but he will be quite happy to help you to change. Just talk to him

Thank you for understanding how I feel and what is happening at the moment with me

When the right time and right house comes along you will know that it is for you

How was your weekend ?
Sadie xx

Not bad actually Sadie. I walked early this morning as usual and that always sets me up. It’s my therapy and medication. I walk for two hours approx every morning. I’m a morning person but evil at night. I went on to the allotment and worked.
I agree whatever happens to me now will be meant to be. I always believe in fate.
Years ago I had an accident and at the time I did have a good job and a mortgage free house. I was also going through a terrible divorce. Well to cut a long story short I was on the Isle of Wight and eventually gave up everything to stay here with no home or job. Eventually I did find a job, sold my home and bought a run down house here (all I could afford). A few years later I met Brian and we married and I had thirty years of happy marriage to a wonderful man. So my accident was meant to be as far as I was concerned. I would probably never have given up my job and home to move here otherwise.
You take care

Pat xx

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