my partner went for a lie down asking me to wake him at 6 as he had something finishing on ebay. I fell asleep and woke at 6.05, i went to check on him but he was fast asleep, thinking ebay had finished i let him sleep. Leaving him for another 30mimutes, i went to see him, he was still asleep but something didnt feel right. I shook him even putting my finger in his mouth and nothing. Ambulance was called but an hour later they called it, he was gone. I felt so guilty, if i hadnt fallen asleep. Did he call me and i didnt hear him. For a month after i felt guilty sleeping i lay awake for hours. 4 months on i still dont sleep. With covid i to find no one wants to talk about him and what happens, i am on my own now family live away. I dont think people understand you need to talk about the person that died. I keep busy all day but the nights are so long. Spoke to coroner and they told me he wouldnt of been in pain probally felt a twinge but i wouldnt of been able to help him. I keep his ashes in the front room i just cant scatter them or put them anywhere else. He was disabled having no legs and lived in his wheelchair so really had no life, i just hope he is now at peace.
Hello Saphire,
I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your partner, it sounds like a very tough situation.
I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here, and I hope that you find the community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.
Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling
Take care,
Michelle
Online Community team
Dear Saphire1
So sorry for your loss. The lack of sleep gives us too much time to go over what happened and what might we have done differently but the reality is we did nothing wrong and dealt with what we thought at the time.
As you say the lockdowns are making an incredibly difficult time even worse for those of us grieving. My daughter lives in the South East and was finding it hard to talk about her dad. We have now arranged to talk weekly on the phone or through video-calls. We do have to talk about our loved ones as they continue to be an important part of our lives.
Please take care. As Michelle from SR says this site is enormously helpful and there are others in a similar position ready to listen and support.
Sheila xxx
Thank you for your reply. It doesnt help that my daughter is working very hard for nhs and i dont want her worrying about me. My sister passed away last year as well so my other sister is still grieving her, we didnt get on, so its hard to talk to her as well. For the first month when ever i close my eyes i saw him lying there. He died in our bed. Ive been advised to see doctor but i dont want to turn to tablets. I do have good days, but everyone is happy about lockdown finishing so they can have people around and go on holiday. My lockdown will carry on as my health wont let me do much and holidays are not going to happen. If it wasnt for my 3 dogs i dont know how i would cope. Now that paperwork etc has now finished the reality has hit hard.
Dear Saphire1
We do not want to burden family do we - it really is so hard. I have not turned to any form of medication - don’t even take headache tablets so am avoiding this at all costs. Fortunately GP tries to avoid prescribing. Although lockdown is anticipated to ease, it will continue for me also. My husband and I had so many holidays planned that will now never go ahead. Family and friends posting on Facebook all their plans and trips - envy yes - but also broken hearted that my husband, who was a kind and thoughtful person - is no longer here to enjoy our retirement years.
I hope you get to spend some time with your daughter. I am sure she will want to support and get support from you.
Take care xxx
Sapphire, that is so sad. I am due to retire and was looking forward to spending lots of holidays and time with my hubby. We had worked hard all our lives and had looked forward to this day. Sadly all gone in a flash. I understand how you feel. X
Dear Bubba
I cannot share too much as this is a public site and the inquest not yet started. But I spoke with my husband at the lunch-time day he died, then 3 hours later he had been taken from us. We had spent first lockdown planning our trips and had so much to look forward to. My husband would do anything for anyone - words cannot describe my pain but I know that those of us on this site regretably understand it.
Feel abandoned by so many who appear not to care about the man who did so much for them when he was alive.
Sheila, my thoughts are with you. My husband was tbe same. Most caring, kind and loving person. We to had plans. Its an awful time for us. Life can never be the same for us. I think people avoid me because they don’t know what to say x
Yes now invisible to most of the neighbours and sick of receiving texts from my husband’s family/friends saying they are going to call and never do nor pick up the phone if I try to call them.
I am so sorry that you find yourself on this same journey. It is just unbearable.
Take care.
Sheila xx
Same. My sister rings me most days, but i feel its only to find out whats going on so that she can gossip about it. Asking questions like how much did funeral cost, or if you move smaller, remember a lift costs more maintenance. So i dont always answer as cant be doing with 3rd degree. Majority of neighbours avoid me. Probably only cry if they did speak. If mel was old and weak and lived a long life i could accept it better, but he didnt. He was strong, fit and had many years left in him. When i walk, its cuoples and families. I feel like rhey are staring at me. I feel so alone. Its so hard for us all. X
My partners family havent even been in touch, nothing. They live in the same town. My family all live away. I had to do funeral and all paperwork on my own. It was heart breaking spending weeks sorting stuff. Now its all done i realise i miss it. At least i was talking to people about him, now i dont get to talk at all. My sister texts every day twice a day, but its about dinner and what jobs she is doing never talking about him. I do feel this helps so if any one wants to talk about their life and their loss i will listen. Silly things, plans, even if you were angry with them for leaving you… my god i did. We are in our own lockdown. X
Some people not afraid to text/ring.husband’s sister rings.reality hits.people carry on with there own lives.
My Ron passed away over 2 yrs ago
His family hadn’t been in touch since his mum died in 2012. They sold her house for a really low price without even informing him. We were told by Solicitor that they didn’t even know my hubby existed. My hubby was dreadfully hurt and it caused a huge row. When he was diagnosed with cancer they got back in touch and to be fair exist. I think about phoning her but then realise that I am not the one who should be contacting her. She has a family and now I have no one in the way of family. It is all very sad but people gradually stop asking you about your loved one or calling you. It makes me feel so angry.
Sorry. I don’t know what happened. Half my message been cut out. What I was trying to say is that when my Ron was diagnosed with cancer his family contacted him and visited him in hospital but when he passed I never heard from them again. Hope my post makes a bit of sense.
Its ok it did make sense. Im so sorry you have been treated like that. People think that once the funeral is over then you are your normal self and whats the thing they say, buck up your ideas. Im trying to keep busy, clearing stuff and tidying his things. I think keeping busy is a good thing, then i get told theres plenty of time so no need to hurry. Which one do they want me to do? If you keep the stuff its wrong if you get rid of it its wrong. As you say people make you angry. Please tell me does it get easier?
HI Saphire. Yes it gets easier because the rawness of it fades even though you never forget. I look back at how I felt then and that sheer physical pain diminishes but I just don’t feel whole anymore. I can laugh and deal with things and am beginning to look at photos but it still feels sureal. I don’t cry as much anymore and I can talk about Ron without the tears but life will never be the same. I still can’t bear to go on holiday without him. The memories of those times would overwhelm me. One of my friends wants me to go to Benidorm but I just feel flat at the thought of it. I have faced most things alone now and the 2nd anniversary of Ron’s passing was much easier as was Christmas so I know that very slowly it is improving. Just do what YOU want and do it When you want. Message me anytime you want to. I send you a virtual hug .x
Thank you for your message. I to have that hollow feeling. When i hear people say when lockdown is over they are going on holiday, it makes me sad cos like you we had some wonderful holidays together. I have 3 dogs which i wud never leave and as i dont drive i cant see a holiday coming for a long time if ever. I have bought a nice worded plaque and put a photo of him in it, plus some of his stuff in what was his hobbie room. But i cant scatter his ashes, then i wud feel i have lost everything. Thinking of getting a urn with a fisherman on it so i can put him on a unit. Think its going to be a while before they get scattered. Virtual hug to you to x
I have a beautiful urn with birds on. It stands on my unit with photos and an angel light. I am keeping him with me, and we will be scattered together some day. X
That is beautiful, it makes me feel normal, which i think is what we need to hear that how we feel and what we do is ok. I agree i get treated like a child, are you eating, keep busy, rest. I some time just want to shout and say im 64yrs old not 8. Im lucky i am coping with normal every day stuff, what i find hard is the loneliness. But my sister has offered to come and stay for a few days when lockdown ends, i dont think i could cope with that. The only person that knows how i feel is finding it hard to talk about it, the rest say how strong i am but to be honest, i put on a face for tbem to stop them worrying. Do others do that?
Hi Saphire1
I certainly put on a face, other it does sometimes slip, especially when someone makes a stupid comment to try and ‘cheer me up’.
In addition to having to deal with all the paperwork, police, coroner etc following my husband’s death, I have to deflect issues created by family members who think they are helping but causing more problems. My mother is the latest. I want to give our daughter her dad’s car but it has just broken down and need to get it repaired when I have the money. My mother told my brother there was a car going free so he was straight on the phone to me.
Take care
Sheila