The things people say

Recently I was asked how I was, the enquiry came from a person who seems to have difficulty with tact(after 6 months he asked if I was ‘over it yet’?). This time I was almost ready. We chatted and I returned his question, “so how are you both?” …the answer, without thinking was,“still living”.It has stayed with me for a while, I just felt it was insensitive. Have others here had similar instances and how to deal with it?

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Yes I just think people don’t think before they speak I was told by someone I thought was a friend to pull my big girl pants up and get on with it how dare these people think they can say things ike that and get away with it my gorgeous husband has only been gone six months I’m fed up with people asking how I am how do they think we bloody are so why ask us sorry for your loss even that don’t comfort you I know sending big hugs xx

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Hi @Malc39200 .I learnt from a psychotherapist some years ago a very valuable skill. Its really sad how some people seem to say hurtful things to us.
The worst thing that can happen is that we can accept the hurt and carry it around with us, yet the perpetrator goes on his merry way totally oblivious and happy to do it again. The answer lies with just not accepting the hurt.
The best way to do this is to firmly hand back the hurt with polite comments such as " do you realise how hurtful that comment is, Id really appreciate you not doing it again". Then they go off carrying the hurt, not us. Thats best done at the time, but if its too late, then its just a case of telling ourselves “stuff 'em, that’s someone I choose to avoid in the future”.
I have absolutely no problem in people simply asking how I am, but I do have a problem who dont care about me and don’t even mention it.

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Thanks for that, it sounds like a much better way of dealing with it. I appreciate your suggestions.

Sorry for your loss too and thanks for your kind words.

Thanks Tykey for the advice. I have been lucky and only had one comment that really did floor me and I was lost for words (not something that often happens to me). A friend said it was all right for me as I had ‘Only’ lost my husband. I never spoke to her again.
However this topic does come up quite a lot on the forum and I do think that perhaps we can be a bit oversensitive. People are usually trying to be helpful and kind and don’t really mean to offend. They are doing their best and at least speaking to us. I’m sure in the past I have said the wrong thing though. I have often wondered just what can we say to a grieving person that might not upset them and now very reluctant to speak to someone suffering a loss although I know exactly what it’s like myself now. A friend told me that she never speaks to a grieving person for fear of saying the wrong thing. Which is so sad.
P xx

I agree about the tendency to be oversensitive from time to time. Some people get upset about people asking how they are, and others get upset because people don’t ask anything at all. I guess it depends on what state our emotions are in at the time, and how far into the journey we are.
My approach is to not get upset with anybody, unless its DELIBERATELY hurtful, then the gloves are off! I’ve got better things to get upset about.
This journey is extremely difficult without carrying unhelpful baggage as well, isnt it.
If we dont know what to say, then a hug or a touch on the harm is always best!

@Malc39200 That must’ve been awful for you. That response was so crass & thoughtless. I do think some people lack a tact filter but they’re usually the first to moan if they’re wronged. My advice would be forget it, focus on the nice comments you’ve received. X

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Hello Tykey
I agree with you. I don’t let people get to me that much. What’s the point??? but I have been very lucky and not had comments that have really bothered me except for that one. Being asked how we are is natural and I have done it myself to a woman who had just lost her husband. I did apologise as it had just come out of my mouth without me thinking. Fortunately she laughed.
People are trying to encourage us to get past our grief and although it’s not possible until we are ready at least they have tried.
P xx

Or we can remember:

Sticks and stones…etc

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Thank you Cee, the person concerned is never around a lot but always seems to make some sort of comment when in the vicinity. Thanks for the help and sorry for your loss

Thank you all for the helpful comments. I am so grateful.