The year of magical thinking

This is the bane of the book I just read. The author says so many things I feel and we share in this forum
After Jack died I had to buy a bed so I bought a king size bed - after a while I asked myself why king size? A double bed would be enough - as I was reading the book I just realised that I bought the bigger bed waiting for Jack to come back and share it with me - the draw on his bed side table has his wallet his glasses - all waiting for him
This book has so many passages that will resonate with all of us
She says how fragile and unstable she feels - I certainly feel this way
" it takes an average widow after her spouse’ death to regain her level of life satisfaction "
“As we mourn our losses we also mourn , for better or for worse , ourselves. As we were. As we are no longer. As we will one day. Not be at all”
"Dolphins refuse to eat after the death of a mate. Geese search for their list mate until they themselves become disoriented and die themselves… only the survivors of death are truly left alone "
So many words that describe so well this journey, these feelings of hurt and void.
It did help me someone describing so well this new senseless life
Sending you love
Sadie xxx

2 Likes

This is what i am now fearing, that when i was younger i heard so many stories of the surviving hubby’s - wives not surviving very long after the deaths of their partners, i had always thought they mourn themselves away…I am fearful due to my MS deterioration that this will be the case for me sooner rather than later…I feel that if i am taken, i am ready…I have that 50% - 50% of do i fight to move forwards or just give up, i am and have been at this in between stage for the past nine months now…still not sure which way this will go, nor which way i want it to go…

Sadie…
…like you with your new king size bed, we are preparing our home for our loved ones homecoming…
Yes i went through a stage a few months back of getting out from the hidden cupboards and placing them around the sitting room several of the Dartington Crystal and Portmeirion China Items we had bought on our first dating holidays just to make my Richard happy to see them out on display, well in my mind i was pleasing him…
Sadie, just like you and your new king size bed, in my mind i was preparing my-our home, for my Richards home coming…

Jackie maybe read this book it may help you - yes you are right it is quite common partners die after they have lost their other half - but it doesn’t have to be so.
It is also true that since Jack died there is always something wrong with me: cough, whizzing, hip, and falling 8 steps etc and I also put on weight , sleep is still disturbed …
I have an aunt at 93 that has been a widow for 30 years , she has a full life even though her void and hurt is there
Sadie xx

Thanks for that Sadie. Of course it doesn’t have to be so. The pain will always be there. It may well diminish. But it’s up to us which path we go down. We are all at a crossroads in our lives and the signposts may well confuse us, but if we want to go on then the road taken will dictate the course of our future lives. Sorry about your aches and pains. Our immune system takes a knock in bereavement. XX

2 Likes

Hi Jionathan, of course doesn’t have to be as described but what was described is not uncommon

Jonathan as you say the pain will be there - the void will be there but we go on we have to
Sadie

Yes Sadie. Unfortunately it’s not uncommon. People are as they are. We can’t change them neither should we try. It’s maybe a case of sorting the sheep from the goats. Love the sheep but keep well clear of the goats!!
Mind you, and this does go with what I said at the beginning. No one should allow themselves to be put on or put down or made scapegoats. We can be very outspoken, but in a kind but firm way. But if we have no contact with the goats the it won’t matter. John. XX

1 Like

Hi Sadie this book sound interesting. Brian’s slippers are still in front of his chair in the living room and for some reason I have to sleep on his side of the bed and never on my own side. I agree we do become fragile and unstable at times. I have also come to realise now that I am probably grieving for myself. My future and the love and life that I have lost. It’s frightening. This does sound selfish though.
Thanks for that.
Pat xx

Oh Pat it is not selfish to mourn for the life we lost. It seems that we are entitled to feelsorry for ourselves - we not only lost the person we love the most but we lost the lives we had, we lost our femininity : I will never be touched, held or seen as a woman - I am a mum, a grandmother, a friend but the person that saw me , held me as a woman is not here anymore
Lots of love
Sadie x

Sadie - Jonathan…
…as you already know i have PP-MS and stress exacerbates MS, it has done so for me, and once further damage is done it is done…Yes if i never had this d***n illness i would get myself out and about, walking, just walking, with dogs preferably…and no, not even a mobility scooter would get me out of this steep sloped isolated parkhome…nor would it travel far enough to get me onto a main road and back home again, no car, no one to lift the mobility scooter into the back of a car…Even my poor Richard with his then breathing issues had difficulties lifting in and out of the back of his car which was soon collected and taken back to to where he once worked…

Jackie…

As for food, i have to rely on our - my Richards computer to order and have delivered…Oh there are voluntary types of transport but only one lovely man will cover and venture out to my postcode…no one will set foot near here we are off the beaten track it seems, and yes my home is on the for sale market but these parkhomes can be on the for sale market a lot longer than bricks and mortar, so i am trapped here for as long as it takes to get back home to some form of normality, whatever that is when one has lost their forever partner…
I dont even qualify for help, for someone to come in whilst i take a shower all by myself for safety reasons as my money now goes over there quota…

Jackie…

And yes, i was a d***n fool in moving here, a hard lesson learnt indeed, and i should never had up-routed my Richard, i should never have taken him and myself away from our lovely bricks and mortar home 140 or so miles away, i would never had done this if i had known what i know now, that within seven months we would lose our dog number three, then a couple years later i was to lose my Richard, if only i had known- foresaw what was coming, i would never have taken him away from our happy home with stairs that i now was struggling with, but I was diagnosed with PP-MS at the late in age of 64, something that just creeps up you…no cure, no idea as to how or why people get it…but it put a sudden stop to both of our lives, our retirement, our future…
The reason i am replying to both of you is that your answer is to get out and about…well, if only for me it was that simple…and easy to do…I would be doing it as quick as a flash…particularly that i love trees and birds…

Jackie…

Continuation of previous posting…and as once i used to enjoy walking…yes once putting one foot in front of the other…the one thing i always assumed, that everybody can do, well i have learnt the hard way, and the answer is a no, not when your body controls you, you are not in control of your own body…you wont get far, and you have to remember you have to get back, plus it can and will have you down on the ground…
It was not that long ago i done a downhill walk with my Richard and i had walked too far because i could but i could not get back and i had o send Richard back to get the car, just short uphill walk but my body had collapsed on me, its nervous system…

Dear Jackie
It sounds so awful - it seems like gat you are trapped
Looking back is always easy to see what we should had done - don’t blame yourself
I honestly don’t know what to suggest
have you contacted social care?
I wish d I could say something to help you
Lots of love.
Sadie xx

Just trying to emphasize that not all bereaved members can get themselves out and about walking to places to meet other people …nor be close enough to take public transport, ie: buses…Mind you if i manage to get away from here, i shan’t make this mistake again…God Willing as my late father often would have said…

I do understand what you say - and i apologise for not hav considered others not able to have the freedom of movement. Even though moving around is difficult it remains essential to try to keep in contact w people. I am sure you have spoken to me he MS society and social workers
Do you know how f exists a book club on line? Other forums where you can chat with other people- a group interested in birds? Wild life?
I do feel for you and I am sorry I was insensitive
Love
Sadie xx

Sadie…
…no you were not insensitive, please do not think that you were, nor was Jonathan, it is just that i have given up on the posts to me who meaning well but maybe dont know I have a deteriorating nervous system illness and mention about getting out and about, i so want to be out and about but believe you me, i am in such a stunning beautiful location but so so isolates, my fault i chose to move here not Richard…
i am sure we have other non able - disabled members who also are in a similar situation of not being able to get out and about, who like myself need to get away from this home if only for the memory of this is where i saw and found my Richard dead…Yes it wasn’t that too long ago i would have been walking at a pace three gorgeous dogs, once or twice a day, plus Richard would also give them one or two walks, one longer walk then one shorter…my three dogs and Richard were my life in-fact Richard knew his place, which came after the dogs, we often had a laugh over this as he new i was not joking…he came last in the households pecking order…

Jackie…

Sadie…
…no you were not insensitive, please do not think that you were, nor was Jonathan, it is just that i have given up on the posts to me who meaning well but maybe dont know I have a deteriorating nervous system illness, or dont realise to what extent, nor might not even know much about MS, how it takes control of our body, it controls me, i cant control it… and mention about getting out and about, i so want to be out and about but believe you me, i am in such a stunning beautiful location but so so isolated, my fault i chose to move here not Richard…
I am sure we have other non able bodied - disabled members who also are in a similar situation of not being able to get out and about, who like myself need to get away from this home if only for the memory of this is where i saw and found my Richard dead…Yes it wasn’t that too long ago i would have been walking at a pace three gorgeous dogs, once or twice a day, plus Richard would also give them one or two walks, one longer walk then one shorter…my three dogs and Richard were my life in-fact Richard knew his place, which came after the dogs, we often had a laugh over this as he new i was not joking…he came last in the households pecking order…

Jackie…

Sending you a big hug
Sadie x

And a big hug from me too Jackie. You are a very brave lady. In spite of all you still manage to post. Take care. John XX