Anne passed 2 months ago on the 12th July from pancreatic cancer. My dearly loved wife of 50yrs. Im pushing 74. In the early weeks it seemed I was coping despite grief attacks hitting me every so often. I changed the living room furniture around to create a new environment ; sitting in Anne’s chair to avoid seeing it empty of my beloved. It worked for a while. I got through the shopping trips on my own and survived the dreaded grief attacks. I felt pleased with myself. I learnt to cook the easy way using a microwave steamer to cook the veg to supplement the ready meals I eat. All of them the healthiest I could find. That created a psychological lift for me. Washing and housework went well and I surprised myself in my efficiency. And when Im with friends and family I act my old optimistic self. I even feel like my old self. BUT - So what Im saying now is all those little past victories have now worn thin and threadbare. I’m now, in the present day norm: a shadow of the man I used to be. Yes I’ve proved I can survive but that’s just it - surviving but not living. I’ve had counselling in the past for clinical depression but that too had a short term effect. It’s now controlled with meds. But there are no meds for grief, are there? Specially in the lonely evening times. Some will say ’ But its early days yet Geoff.’ Early days for what I say. Another relationship? No way. Anne was, and always will be the only love of my life. Well perhaps I could hitch hike around the world like a 50yr old could. Erm! No. And clubs or associations leave me cold, always have done. Too ‘clicky’ So where does that leave the future? I honestly don’t know or even care. Like many of you good people I’m at present living a zombie life style, trudging on just for the sake of it. WOW! That was a long and somewhat depressing post wasn’t it? But truly folks that’s where I am at the moment. Any inspiration responses gratefully recieved folks.
Love and Light.Geoff.